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Sunday Confessional: I Semi Cheated

I met a guy that I really liked before Christmas. It's been a while since I've felt a connection with someone, but I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. He went home to visit family for the holidays and I didn't hear from him for over a week, and I had no clue when he was coming home.

Since we hadn't had "the talk," I wasn't sure what the "rules" were while he was away — would it be considered cheating if I went out with someone else? Was he seeing other people back home? etc. There was no one else I was interested in, but on New Year's Eve, I ran into an ex-fling and we ended up ringing in the New Year together, so to speak.

The next morning when I checked my phone, the guy I was seeing had texted me, wishing me a happy New Year, telling me how much he missed me, and that he would be back that day to "see his girl that he told his entire family about." I was so happy to read his text, but I immediately felt guilty about being with someone else while he waited for me. I don't plan on telling him about my NYE affair, but can I be forgiven for keeping a secret from him in the beginning of our relationship?

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ali321 ali321 6 years
I guess my take is that you wanted to be serious but you weren't yet or you wouldn't have had such a good time with your ex. Personally I don't prefer to sleep with others if I'm into someone else that I'm dating and I prefer them to do the same. I think it makes things way less complicated and it's just respectful imo. But I still don't think that what you did is cheating. It doesn't sound as if you've been together that long at all. And I can see that even if you've been just dating someone for a long time that you have to consider their feelings, but again you pretty much just met him is the way I took it. He doesn't really need to know. If you guys have the talk and he wants to know if you've been with anyone since you've met then be honest. I don't care for lying, but it's nothing that you need to confess to because you can't cheat on someone that you're just getting to know and not in a relationship with. Just enjoy yourself and good luck.
sweetmargot26 sweetmargot26 6 years
Not forgive. Although I feel sympathetic about her not feeling some type of connection for a long time. It does not matter how long you have been in a relationship with someone because regardless of whether it is the beginning or 10 months later, cheating is still cheating. But, good luck girl!! Maybe the guy you are dating is not "the one."
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Don't say a word. It's none of his business. Do you have an engagement ring? Were you sitting under his family's Christmas tree drinking eggnog opening gifts? No? Then a text message after a week huh. Wow. Impressive. He's really clueless. Keep your mouth shut about it if you really like the guy.
karlorene karlorene 7 years
forgive! you are not in a committed relationship at this point... in fact, you aren't even sure if you're "in" a relationship. and, like you said, who knows what he was doing when he went home?
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
I said forgive, but there's nothing to forgive, you didn't do anything wrong. If y'all hadn't had "the talk", then you aren't official, and it's none of his business what you were doing when he wasn't around. He can't just assume you feel the same way he does without talking to you about it. The only reason it would be his business is if something will affect him, like STI's. So get yourself checked before you do anything with him. Even if it affects him by hurting his feelings b/c he was more serious than you were at that point, you didn't do anything wrong. You can't be responsible for what he wants and his feelings. That's his job. So if he didn't ask you to be official, he can't expect you to act like you are at that point. That would just be crazy. And I agree with what MyOwnRules said about him making assumptions. I would watch that too. I totally agree with everything Marci said. We girls need to quit worrying and caring about other people so much sometimes, and worry more about ourselves. You have NO idea what he did while he was home. And you shouldn't feel bad for living your own life and doing what you want to do. He didn't talk to you for a week and then sent one text!!! What are you just supposed to wait around forever, for whenever he decides he wants something to happen? I don't think so. And I don't think there is such a thing as a mutual understanding like some people are saying. You should NEVER assume someone thinks the same thing you do. You can't know that for sure. They could be thinking something totally opposite and it doesn't matter later if you just thought that you were both on the same page, b/c you never actually discussed it. So it only counts if you both talk about it and know for sure what you each want.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
I said forgive, but there's nothing to forgive, you didn't do anything wrong. If y'all hadn't had "the talk", then you aren't official, and it's none of his business what you were doing when he wasn't around. He can't just assume you feel the same way he does without talking to you about it. The only reason it would be his business is if something will affect him, like STI's. So get yourself checked before you do anything with him. Even if it affects him by hurting his feelings b/c he was more serious than you were at that point, you didn't do anything wrong. You can't be responsible for what he wants and his feelings. That's his job. So if he didn't ask you to be official, he can't expect you to act like you are at that point. That would just be crazy.And I agree with what MyOwnRules said about him making assumptions. I would watch that too.I totally agree with everything Marci said. We girls need to quit worrying and caring about other people so much sometimes, and worry more about ourselves. You have NO idea what he did while he was home. And you shouldn't feel bad for living your own life and doing what you want to do. He didn't talk to you for a week and then sent one text!!! What are you just supposed to wait around forever, for whenever he decides he wants something to happen? I don't think so. And I don't think there is such a thing as a mutual understanding like some people are saying. You should NEVER assume someone thinks the same thing you do. You can't know that for sure. They could be thinking something totally opposite and it doesn't matter later if you just thought that you were both on the same page, b/c you never actually discussed it. So it only counts if you both talk about it and know for sure what you each want.
superjules superjules 7 years
What's to forgive? You aren't in a committed relationship. You don't have to tell him anything, unless you want to.
bransugar79 bransugar79 7 years
I voted forgive - as long as you tell him. I think that things were unclear but now you know how he feels and clearly it's not casual. If you intend to build a relationship with this man then tell him what happened and explain why. I don't think he had the right to expect exclusivity but he does have the right to be told the truth if you want things to be serious as well.
red4bonez red4bonez 7 years
forgive...the whole week you didn't hear from him? you shouldn't feel guilty because first you didn't have the talk and second it seems like you guys just started to date. there is nothing to forgive cuz basically you didn't do anything. He disappeared and you didn't even know what he is doing. Don't tell him, what he doesn't know wont hurt him. Plus now you can start over. and have the talk lol. =) good luck
Deidre Deidre 7 years
I'm in the "you didn't do anything wrong" boat. Your situation is not uncommon, and you can use this as an opportunity to have The Talk with this guy you're dating if you wish to. Don't beat yourself up over something you don't really have to feel guilty over.But I will say this -- if you slept with the New Years guy, get tested before you start a sexual relationship with the other guy (which, honestly you should do regardless). Because if you passed an STI onto the guy, that would flip the situation into Not Forgive territoty...
Deidre Deidre 7 years
I'm in the "you didn't do anything wrong" boat. Your situation is not uncommon, and you can use this as an opportunity to have The Talk with this guy you're dating if you wish to. Don't beat yourself up over something you don't really have to feel guilty over. But I will say this -- if you slept with the New Years guy, get tested before you start a sexual relationship with the other guy (which, honestly you should do regardless). Because if you passed an STI onto the guy, that would flip the situation into Not Forgive territoty...
weffie weffie 7 years
i think you've done nothing wrong, so there's no need for forgiveness... but keep in mind that if you are already lying and covering your tracks this early into your relationship, he's probably doing the same thing...
vmruby vmruby 7 years
You shouldn't feel guilty although I understand why you do and I don't see that there's anything to forgive.There was no discussion between the two of you about not dating others before he left so as far as I can see until you guys come to the agreement that your relationship is exclusive then it's all good.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
totally forgive. You hadn't discussed being exclusive, so you didn't do anything wrong.I know how you must feel though, I would also feel somewhat guilty!
macchiatolove macchiatolove 7 years
totally forgive. You hadn't discussed being exclusive, so you didn't do anything wrong. I know how you must feel though, I would also feel somewhat guilty!
Annie4385 Annie4385 7 years
i voted forgive. as long as it was a fling and you're ready to be with the new guy exclusively. just move on-- and NEVER tell him about it. he doesn't need to feel and pain for something you did with no ill intentions.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 7 years
If you feel guilty or is asking about this, I think the right thing to do is probably to tell him. Not telling him is not a right way to start off the relationship, especially if you really value the relationship. Although it will be messy, it is the right thing to do. Just because "the talk" hasn't happened, if it's a mutual understanding (it seems like there might have been if he has told his family about you) then it makes your actions less forgivable because not having "the talk" is just a cop-out and a bad excuse for your bad judgment on what happened on new year's eve. Even it's hard and may cause a lot of troubles, I would say do the right thing and tell him and I would say forgive, but as of now, not forgive.
Marci Marci 7 years
Nothing to forgive. You're not in a relationship with this guy yet so you're a free agent and can do whatever you want. Too many women take themselves off the market long before they're in a relationship, and the fact that you are even asking this question falls into that female trait we seem to have. Until you're absolutely boyfriend and girlfriend, you do what you want and never ever share the details, explain yourself or feel guilty. Who even knows what he's been up to, and he won't feel any need to tell you.
Marci Marci 7 years
Nothing to forgive. You're not in a relationship with this guy yet so you're a free agent and can do whatever you want. Too many women take themselves off the market long before they're in a relationship, and the fact that you are even asking this question falls into that female trait we seem to have. Until you're absolutely boyfriend and girlfriend, you do what you want and never ever share the details, explain yourself or feel guilty. Who even knows what he's been up to, and he won't feel any need to tell you.
Colleeninator Colleeninator 7 years
Whoah. I'm agreeing with a LOT of people when I say this:You didn't do anything wrong, seeing as how you hadn't made a commitment. However, telling lies to/keeping secrets from the person you're in a relationship with is a bad idea. It's messy, it makes you feel guilty, and the other person usually knows something's going on, they just don't know what.I think what you did was okay, but it's NOT okay to try to get into a relationship without telling this guy what happened and why it happened (he hadn't communicated with you, you didn't know if you were an "item", etc.)And someone else said this, but I'm not sure who. Secrets don't get better the longer you wait, they get worse. If you're gonna tell him, make it soon, please.
Colleeninator Colleeninator 7 years
Whoah. I'm agreeing with a LOT of people when I say this: You didn't do anything wrong, seeing as how you hadn't made a commitment. However, telling lies to/keeping secrets from the person you're in a relationship with is a bad idea. It's messy, it makes you feel guilty, and the other person usually knows something's going on, they just don't know what. I think what you did was okay, but it's NOT okay to try to get into a relationship without telling this guy what happened and why it happened (he hadn't communicated with you, you didn't know if you were an "item", etc.) And someone else said this, but I'm not sure who. Secrets don't get better the longer you wait, they get worse. If you're gonna tell him, make it soon, please.
magalaya magalaya 7 years
I agree that you didn't technically do anything wrong, but if you feel bad about it then your gut is telling you that you did something wrong. Does that make sense? And I feel if you really really liked this guy, you probably wouldn't have had a fling with someone else before you guys were official, just because that would put your potential relationship on rocky ground. I think you should tell him once you set the ground rules for the relationship, because though it's totally oversaid, relationships ARE built on trust and it's better to start off on the right foot than with a lie/omission of the fact.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 7 years
Forgive, if your not even sure where the relationship even is, then obviously its nothing big yet! Do what you gotta do... :)
Michelann Michelann 7 years
I agree with everybody saying you didn't do anything wrong. It's probably best not to tell him about your New Years Eve hookup, it's not really any of his business and it would just complicate things so early on in the relationship. On the other hand, you might want to ask yourself why you would sleep with somebody else when there's a guy you're seriously interested in.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
i think the "boyfriend" was seeing how he'd do away from you, and you have no wqay of knowing what he really did while he was back there. seriously, how hard is it to text someone to say "merry christmas"? 1 text does not a relationship make, and w/o a relationship you can't cheat.
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