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Sunday Confessional: I've Never Had an Orgasm

Sunday Confessional: I've Never Had an Orgasm

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

Nope, nada, nothing. The big "O" is probably as much as a mystery to me as it is to any guy.

I've tried it all. Same story, every partner, each time. Masturbation, vibrators, fantasy, role play, different positions. I've tried dwelling on the thought of the orgasm through sex, I've tried not thinking about it at all. I've tried focusing on my muscles, the feeling of my body, the feeling of his body.  Reading articles on how to make it happen. Focusing on exactly what it is he's doing to me. Focusing on exactly what it is I'm doing to him . . . and etc. It just doesn't happen.

And really, it's not a huge deal to me. Sure, I'd love to be able to relate to all my friends when we get together and start talking about our sex lives. I usually just take a nice big gulp of my drink, and listen in. I'm definitely the only girl I know that hasn't had one (though, I kind of wonder who's lying . . . I've never heard screams of ecstasy come from my roommate's room!)

But I enjoy sex on a lot of different levels. I focus on the bonding of two bodies as one. I focus on the emotional aspect of it, I focus on the physical. I focus on the energy and electricity going through our bodies and the fun that we're having. I still make mindless, NOT fake, noises that keep my boyfriend turned on and let him know that I'm enjoying it as well (even if you're not having an orgasm, if you or guy knows what he's doing- it's going to feel good!) I really believe that it effects my boyfriend more so than it affects me, he hates not being able to get me off. But he understands that it's not something I exactly have a say in. I've talked to my doctor about it and she said it could very well be another five or ten years before I have one (I'm a 20 year old female, so I'm fairly young anyway) and in the mean time try to avoid stress and keep "practicing." (Yes, ma'am!)

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community — join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups, and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

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Join The Conversation
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
I agree with many of the other comments. In particular I would encourage regular masturbation and finding out exactly what you like. Also I would suggest a multi-speed vibey but concentrate on the clitty. If you are confident enough masturbate with your partner being present from time to time too. Oral is always a good starting point, send him down but don't let him up too soon and communicate with him exactly when he is hitting the spot. Finally, take a look at this. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/betty-and-carlin/2010/09/ive-never-had-orgasm Good luck!
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
I agree on the idea that you continue trying to orgasm through masturbation. If you cannot orgasm through masturbation, then you will never be able to orgasm through sex because you will not be able to understand your own body or teach your partner how to please you. You need to learn the combination of fantasy and stimulation that works for you on your own before you can teach your partner. Also, I have to say that I disagree with what Studio16 is saying about focusing on your partner only during sex. You should also be focusing on yourself because if you are sexually satisfied, that will make your partner feel happy. Let's face it, most men generally do not require a lot of stimulation to make them orgasm. Men are aroused by a woman that is sexually confident and enjoys her own body. Generally, a man cannot magically learn or understand what makes you orgasm because it is different for every woman. You need to learn what works for you first and then teach him how to do it. I would recommend the book 'For Yourself' by Lonnie Garfield Barback. Good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Relax. You're enjoying the sexual experience, so that's good. You may very well experience it later, as you are quite young. Keep practicing, but let go a little bit. Sometimes having your eye on the single goal of orgasm can halt you from achieving it. Keep on enjoying it, continue with masturbation and the discovery of your own body, but don't let it be the only focus of your sexual experiences. Sometimes letting go and enjoying the moment is so much more beneficial to achieving orgasm than just stressing about actually achieving orgasm.
Studio16 Studio16 5 years
You say that you are enjoying sex and that you're focusing on the bonding of two bodies. Good! So many women are concerned with orgasm and feeling good. I am not addressing this to you, just women in particular: Sex is not about making yourself feel good. You should be focusing on making him feel good. Let him worry about making you feel good! If he's worth having sex with, that will be all he's thinking about. In short: Let your boyfriend worry about making you orgasm. And if you're still concerned, don't be. It takes some women a few years of "practice" before they hit the Big O. Really, I think your problem is just stress. If you're having sex and thinking, "I'm not going to have an orgasm, I'm not going to have an orgasm, oh shit, I just didn't have an orgasm," why would you? Just relax (have a few drinks, take a hot bath) and let your boyfriend do the work!
makeupbydeidra makeupbydeidra 5 years
I was with my boyfriend for nearly a year before I had my first orgasm ever. I was 22. He was so excited for me. I was more relieved than anything. I'm not sure why it took so long. I would just continue enjoying the intimacy of the being with your man and maybe the O's will catch up to you a bit later. PS: He needs to be paying special attention to oral sex. It may still take a while, but I think thats your best bet.
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I'm in the same boat. I've been sexually active with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, and I still haven't had an orgasm with him. Like you, it doesn't bother me that much. It still feels good, and the emotional high I get is what I really love. My bf has even tried oral sex and clit stimulation on me. Nothing has worked. It frustrates him as well, but I just keep reassuring him that it's fine and everything he does feels good. It's not his fault.
ltoya ltoya 5 years
I understand your frustrations. I have never had an orgasm from intercourse which is hard when my fiance does every single time. I can only have O's when I masturbate. I have grown to accept this as no one's fault and so has my partner.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
You sound like you're doing everything right as far as working toward having an orgasm, and you're not judging yourself because of it, which is also good. You're 20, you've got a lot of years ahead of you to figure your body out. Though you say you've tried everything, I'd recommend you keep trying!
Dashygurl Dashygurl 5 years
Yeah could just be the timing, although I had my first O at age 18, and I was so excited when it happened... What I would suggest is every time you get to where it feels good, stay there, have him to massage your nipples with his tongue of course and see if that dont do it for you. I know I just made 30 and I guess that the time women hit there sexual peek because I can't get enough right now, I can go 3 times a day right now, but since I have children its just a wish... Keep at it it will come, literally!!!!
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