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Sunday Confessional: My Boyfriend's Proposal Sucked

Sunday Confessional: My Boyfriend's Proposal Sucked

Dear Sugar,

In the past few weeks, things have been a little weird with me and my boyfriend. We're very much in love, have been together over six years, and we have a house together. We've talked about getting married, but haven't made it official yet (we're not engaged). He's been acting really distant and depressed lately because he hates living in Florida. He says it's way too hot and he misses winters up north.

Last week he got a work promotion, but the job is in upstate New York. He asked if I would go with him, but I told him I wasn't sure. I love the warm weather and being close to my friends and family, plus I'm finishing up grad school and can't really pick up and leave. I was also straightforward and said I'd never move anywhere with someone who wasn't committed to me. He said he was committed to me, and I said I'd only move if we were engaged.

So right then and there, he got down on one knee, told me he loved me and asked me to marry him. I couldn't believe it. I was shocked, and not in a happy way. I felt like he was being selfish in a way, and that he only proposed because he wanted me to move with him. It wasn't the heartfelt, romantic proposal I had always dreamed of. I cried, and said that I wasn't going to answer him until he asked me properly. Should I forgive him for his crappy proposal, or is this a sign that things just aren't meant to be?

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puffaroo puffaroo 8 years
It seems to me that he didn't have to propose *at all*. I don't see anything wrong with his proposal. Ultimatums aren't very romantic either.
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 8 years
Yeah in this case I would be so elated. That is so romantic! Proposing on the spot when you're emotions are going crazy and you know you are looking at the woman you want to marry. I think that a spontaneous proposal would be great. I have a friend that was out to dinner with his g/f and they were on the way home and he was walking her to the door and he just stopped dead in his tracks and proposed. He said the moment hit him. He went out and bought her a ring afterwards so that she of course had the official symbol of the engagement, but it's not always about a ring. I think it was heartfelt of your boyfriend and I think you shoudl cut him some slack.
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
Honestly it sounds to me like you aren't sure what you want. it seems to me he is very sure that he wants you with him no matter what. i think maybe the reason you are so upset is because he did what you asked and you still didn't get what you wanted. Maybe you don't want the relationship to continue or maybe there are other issues here. I know that nobody wants a forced proposal but it sounds like you gave him no choice
yes-jess yes-jess 8 years
Forgive him for the proposal and ask him to wait (in Florida) while you finish school. You guys will have the rest of your lives to figure out where you're going to live and he'll find another job. You both kind of put each other on the spot and it really isn't fair to either of you. I don't doubt that the love is there, so clearly this would be the most fair and logical decision.
msame msame 8 years
i don't think you were completely out of line. Yes you gave him an ultimatum, but he didn't even have a ring. There's a time and a place to ask for your hand. That was definitely not it.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
Wow shame on him for not being the perfect man :oy: Let's see, he moved to FLA,(a place he now doesn't want to live in and probably wouldn't leave because of you except there's a job promotion at stake ) left his family and friends to be with you, and proposed marriage because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Yep he's a real loser. IMO he didn't do anything wrong so what exactly does he need to be forgiven for?You on the other hand need to take the proposal in the context in which it was meant(considering you didn't give him enough time to come up with something more to your liking) and stop the whining. Or better yet why don't you let him go so some lucky girl can appreciate what he has to offer, because honestly you don't deserve him.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
Wow shame on him for not being the perfect man :oy: Let's see, he moved to FLA,(a place he now doesn't want to live in and probably wouldn't leave because of you except there's a job promotion at stake ) left his family and friends to be with you, and proposed marriage because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Yep he's a real loser. IMO he didn't do anything wrong so what exactly does he need to be forgiven for?You on the other hand need to take the proposal in the context in which it was meant(considering you didn't give him enough time to come up with something more to your liking) and stop the whining. Or better yet why don't you let him go so some lucky girl can appreciate what he has to offer, because honestly you don't deserve him.
viridiana viridiana 8 years
but he deserves to be forgiven
viridiana viridiana 8 years
You have to really consider if you're the one who wants to get married ... because I can doubt his feelings for you if he proposed to you when you gave him an ultimatum, maybe he felt caught and didn't want to loose you... Long time relationships are hard to measure on the level of commitment and love each one has for the other... when a relationship that long doesn't evolve or transform we tend to get used to it... and maybe we are more comfortable than in love... it's not a question on how he proposed...you might analyse your own feelings... maybe you need to stay in Florida and re evaluate what's your status in your current relationship...
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I was of two minds about this, because of course everybody wants the fantasy proposal. You know, that's always nice to have, but so many times marriages don't even work out because there is so much emphasis on the "fantasy" aspects of getting married and the fake romance of it all. I think it's utterly sweet of him to have absolutely NO doubts to the point where he can just drop down on one knee and propose without preparing himself for weeks. IMO, that shows he has no reservations about you and truly loves you. I'd be pretty excited if my guy did that for me after 3 years (how long we've been together)-- but I agree with others, I thin the big problem here is not the proposal but the moving situation. I saw my SO's brother's marriage fall apart because she didn't want to move to leave her family. If this is going to be a thing for you, give him up NOW. If you are going to be unwilling to go where love takes you, then find someone who will never move from Florida and marry him. Keep in mind your husband is your new family, just as you are his. If you really don't want to be his partner and work something out with the grad school (I'm also in grad school, and it can be worked around) then don't do it. But don't let it fester and then get a divorce down the road. That's just unfair to him.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I was of two minds about this, because of course everybody wants the fantasy proposal. You know, that's always nice to have, but so many times marriages don't even work out because there is so much emphasis on the "fantasy" aspects of getting married and the fake romance of it all. I think it's utterly sweet of him to have absolutely NO doubts to the point where he can just drop down on one knee and propose without preparing himself for weeks. IMO, that shows he has no reservations about you and truly loves you. I'd be pretty excited if my guy did that for me after 3 years (how long we've been together)-- but I agree with others, I thin the big problem here is not the proposal but the moving situation.I saw my SO's brother's marriage fall apart because she didn't want to move to leave her family. If this is going to be a thing for you, give him up NOW. If you are going to be unwilling to go where love takes you, then find someone who will never move from Florida and marry him. Keep in mind your husband is your new family, just as you are his. If you really don't want to be his partner and work something out with the grad school (I'm also in grad school, and it can be worked around) then don't do it. But don't let it fester and then get a divorce down the road. That's just unfair to him.
Jack-D Jack-D 8 years
It’s not the proposal that matters, its the commitment and love that comes from being married. Just like its not the ring size that matters, its the question.
danibzow danibzow 8 years
Look; here's the thing: He proposed (in an admittedly unromantic, lacking drama, flair, style, etc manner) because he loves you and wants to be with you. That's what this is about, right? Him wanting to be with you, wanting you to come with him, because he loves you. From one married lady to another (soon to be? hopefully?) -- if he proposed to make you happy, you win -- he loves you and wants to make you happy. If he proposed to make himself happy, you win -- marrying you, having you by his side for the rest of his life -- makes him happy (which, in turn, assuming YOU love HIM, should make you happy). Bottom line is that he wants to be with you. That's a pretty good reason to propose, either way. Good luck (and congratulations!)
danibzow danibzow 8 years
Look; here's the thing: He proposed (in an admittedly unromantic, lacking drama, flair, style, etc manner) because he loves you and wants to be with you. That's what this is about, right? Him wanting to be with you, wanting you to come with him, because he loves you. From one married lady to another (soon to be? hopefully?) -- if he proposed to make you happy, you win -- he loves you and wants to make you happy. If he proposed to make himself happy, you win -- marrying you, having you by his side for the rest of his life -- makes him happy (which, in turn, assuming YOU love HIM, should make you happy). Bottom line is that he wants to be with you. That's a pretty good reason to propose, either way. Good luck (and congratulations!)
nikkeeb nikkeeb 8 years
I'm undecided because essentially it depends on you. If this upset you so much, you might need to think about your relationship. Sure, a beautiful, elaborate proposal would have been nice, but you should probably be more excited about the prospect of getting married to a person than how they propose. Might want to decide why your focus was more on the impromptu proposal than the idea of marrying him. Also, I don't think it was fake. After 6 years, I'm sure the man knows if he wants to marry you or not. It was poor timing and a little tactless on his part, but I wouldn't question his intentions based on what I've read.
nikkeeb nikkeeb 8 years
I'm undecided because essentially it depends on you. If this upset you so much, you might need to think about your relationship. Sure, a beautiful, elaborate proposal would have been nice, but you should probably be more excited about the prospect of getting married to a person than how they propose. Might want to decide why your focus was more on the impromptu proposal than the idea of marrying him.Also, I don't think it was fake. After 6 years, I'm sure the man knows if he wants to marry you or not. It was poor timing and a little tactless on his part, but I wouldn't question his intentions based on what I've read.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
You are a spoiled brat. Not Forgive YOU. I agree just because the proposal wasn't out of a Disney Movie is no reason to get upset. You have discussed marriage in the past and you told him what you wanted and he gave to you. You won't move to another state without a commitment but you have a house together, how is it any different. Grow-up.
PinkSparkleGrl PinkSparkleGrl 8 years
I agree with chakra_healer. He obviously loves you very much and he did what you asked him to do. I think you were very selfish and you should apologize.
PinkSparkleGrl PinkSparkleGrl 8 years
I agree with chakra_healer. He obviously loves you very much and he did what you asked him to do.I think you were very selfish and you should apologize.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 8 years
Well- 6 years IS a long time relationship....you would rather just breakup than stay together? It seems like YOU might be a tid bit selfish. Relationships are about loving someone and sacrifice sometimes. So what were his options anyway? Either ask you to marry him, or leave you in the dust of the moving van?
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
My brothers gf basically forced him to decided they were going to get engaged last year. They broke up 3 months later. They are now back together but I don't see things ever being the same between them. And marriage is a touchy subject. I don't think I could ever give someone an ultimatum like that. It just seems it will end disastrous.
Liss1 Liss1 8 years
Forgive. He was trying to show you he was committed. You basically demanded a proposal, what did you want him to do? He will probaby ask you again with a ring. You need to grow up before you get married, not everything goes the way you want it to.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 8 years
If you're looking at this as a sign that maybe you aren't meant to be together, then you're are just looking for an out. A proposal, while crappy is still him going out a limb asking you to marry him. You want the perfect moment proposal and that's not a bad thing to want. Just if you've been together 6 years and his proposal is at the most imperfect time, then you are obviously expecting too much of him. If you love him, accept the proposal and move on with your lives together. Don't constantly hold it over his head, that his proposal sucked. Give him the chance to make you happy...and don't look for reasons to be unhappy.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 8 years
If you're looking at this as a sign that maybe you aren't meant to be together, then you're are just looking for an out. A proposal, while crappy is still him going out a limb asking you to marry him. You want the perfect moment proposal and that's not a bad thing to want. Just if you've been together 6 years and his proposal is at the most imperfect time, then you are obviously expecting too much of him. If you love him, accept the proposal and move on with your lives together. Don't constantly hold it over his head, that his proposal sucked. Give him the chance to make you happy...and don't look for reasons to be unhappy.
ChelseaGirl ChelseaGirl 8 years
I definitely sympathize with your position. That was a pretty shitty thing to do. That said, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that things "aren't meant to be." I think your boyfriend made a dumb move and you have every right to be upset. But talking to him about it could help the two of you get on the same page. Not to completely stereotype, but boys sometimes just don't understand the importance of these things. All of that said, trust your gut. I'm sure everything will work out the way its supposed to if you trust your own instincts. Good luck!
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