I have been with my bf for 8 months, lets call him Joe. We had a really rough time before Christmas where I caught him in a lie then was lead to believe by a third party that he had cheated on me. He was out of town in his home community. I was devastated and pretty sure we were over. One of his best friends, lets call him Bill, came on to me the night that I had been informed that Joe had made out with another girl. I ended up kissing Bill that night and the following night we made out a little but it did not get serious (i.e. no removal of clothing).
Now me and Joe patched things up. It turned out that he did lie to me but had not cheated on me. I felt too guilty to admit to my infidelity and also did not want to hurt Joe since it was with one his best friends. He had a best friend do this to him with his previous girlfriend and I did not want him to go through that again. I was certain I would not do it again. But then our relationship ran into problems again and I ended up cheating on him again with the same friend. This time it went past kissing to Bill putting his hands down my pants and I went so far as teasing him with oral sex. I don't know why I did this. I partly felt bad for the guy because he is stuck in a dead relationship with an awful partner and also he made me feel really attractive. I don't feel that guilty about the first incident but I don't know how I did it again. I should have known not to be alone or drink with him.
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Now I will never be alone with this person again. Bill was in town when my boyfriend was away and asked me out to dinner but I turned him down even though he insisted it would just be friendly. He also came by our home when Joe was away and I just talked to him in the doorway, I didn't want to be alone with him in the house. I am not even attracted to Bill. When I did fool around with him it was not passionate. The sex with Joe is wonderful and passionate and I am completely satisfied in that area. I am still confused why I cheated. I guess I just liked being so desired.
I have not admitted any of this to Joe although he did ask if anything happened that weekend. I feel guilty but I think the guilt is fading. This relationship is so important to me. Maybe Joe would understand, maybe he wouldn't. But if I confessed to Joe I think I would just hide the guilt of not telling him with the guilt of having hurt him by being betrayed by his girlfriend and good friend Bill. Am I an awful person? Why would I do something that wasn't even satisfying me? Is it ok that I didn't tell Joe? I just feel so guilty and it has been 2 months since it stopped.
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