I had a close friend for 4 years, who I lived with for two of those four. A year ago I moved across the country but we stayed in close contact. I promised her I would fly out to see her on Halloween. The date neared, and I realized I didn't want to go for various reasons (too lazy, mostly. I fly standby as my mom worked for an airline, so it involves waiting around to see if I get on a flight).
Anyway, I called her and lied, saying I had tried but didn't make it on a
flight. It was cowardly, yes. I did it to avoid drama and also because I
was afraid to tell her I just didn't want to put in the effort at the last minute. She called me out on my fib and I denied it, telling her I was mad she would accuse me of such a thing (cringing even typing this)! After irrationally and falsely attacking her instead of coming clean, I took a step back and then told her the truth, apologizing to her sincerely and letting her know I had flown off the handle and had acted crazy, and that I was sorry to have mislead her. I was simply afraid to tell the truth, and the more I denied my lie, the harder it became to confess.
To make a long story short, she stopped talking to me. I have a feeling this is all sounding very Seventeen magazine, but I can't stop shaming myself for lying to her like that. I am consumed with embarrassment over my behavior and at the same time, I feel completely slighted that she simply dropped me like a bad habit after 4 years of tight friendship.
Was what I did truly beyond reproach? How do you let go of someone you love who clearly does not love you?