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Taking to Distant Boyfriend

Group Therapy: Talking to Closed Off Boyfriends

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm having a huge problem. I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and we've had all sorts of communication issues. I cannot get him to talk to me, and it's finally reached a boiling point for me. I've tried almost everything. From yelling, to passive aggressive hints, calmly talking, writing letters, and even writing down a list of things I want to talk to him about. He rarely reciprocates positively to these methods, and most often just not at all. He's just beyond closed off. I also have the issue of him not being truthful with me when I approach him about something at first, only to tell me later a different story about the subject matter. It's led to a huge issue between him and me before.

I understand that as a dating not married/engaged couple we aren't going to have things to talk about everyday, which is fine, I totally understand. I'm a pretty boring person. But I can't hold a conversation with him sometimes. He'll give me a monosyllabic response but turn around and be annoyed with me when I say "OK" in a conversation with no follow-up sentence. Our other problem is we maybe see each other once or twice a week, and our primary mode of conversation is texting. Which he doesn't like, so I have tried to call him at the end of the day to talk to him and he seems totally uninterested in talking to me. I simply just don't know what to do anymore. I've asked him if he's growing bored of me and he said no, but given our past communication issues, I'm not sure I entirely believe him. Don't get me wrong, we get along great when we're together and I do want to be with him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've run out of ways to communicate with him and I feel like this is starting to take a toll on my sanity.

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testadura67 testadura67 5 years
So... he doesn't talk to you, he has a history of lying to you, and you barely see each other. The only reason I can figure you're still with him is low self esteem. "I'm a pretty boring person." If you don't think you're interesting, why should he? Sounds to me like you need to get rid of the guy, and do some work on you, because I guarentee you are fascinating, and you a deserve a man who's fascinated by you.
mrs-dr-who mrs-dr-who 5 years
Also, don't put your feelings and self worth aside no matter how much you love him or you will just become resentful. Take some time alone to rebuild that. That is my intention.
mrs-dr-who mrs-dr-who 5 years
I am in almost the exact situation. it is SO hard. I recently walked away, or ran without saying goodbye. I had to walk home at midnight alone and he didn't follow. So that is my sign. I am trying insanely hard to not call him. but I know if I do, I won't have anything nice to say. I've been putting in so much effort just to get him to do something nice for me at all and I'm tired, exhausted and drained. The ball is in his court now. If he really loves me and misses me, he'll have to do something. So I say, walk away. He might come back, and if not, let him go. It sounds like depression to me but that's what's going on with my bf... but now I'm beginning to think it has more to do with me than he's saying. :( I feel ya girl.
alowishes alowishes 5 years
oh girl, i was with a guy like this. it was so frustrating... trying to have a conversation with him was like pulling teeth! i could never change him, so i decided to break it off. i say move on... communication is sooo important. what if some serious problem arises? if he can't communicate, then it's going to be so difficult to solve your issues. good luck!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
When you ask him a question, wait for a count of 100 before you say anything else. It may take him a long time to turn his ideas into words. You could very well have been interrupting him over and over again for your entire relationship just because you're a much faster talker! It's also possible you're being a bit too direct when you talk to him about problems. I realize you shouldn't "have to" worry about how you phrase complaints, but it does make a difference in his reaction. One as big as him turning away or turning toward you. Communicate love and respect first. And appreciation for the things he DOES do. Then, once you have his attention, ask him to do xx for you, say how it would help you out in your life, and then ask him what he would need from you in order to do it. Then, remember, count to 100 before saying anything else...And be ready to negotiate. That's what differentiates a request from a demand.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Communication is huge. Lack of it leads to exactly where you're at now. It's impossible to tell if he's just not interested in a relationship with you or if he's like this with everyone in his life. If you see it in his other relationships, it's something that's part of his makeup and won't be fixed unless he chooses to fix it (which leaves you to decide if you love him enough to be in it for the long haul) and if he is like this only with you, I would assume it's your relationship that has closed him off. If you feel it's specific to you, I would walk away now.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Both of you go to couples' counselling and get the paths of communication open. If you want to have a decent lifetime relationship, find a way to open up. If not, walk away.
ddbella ddbella 5 years
I dated one like that, I never thought he was interested in me, so eventually we just drifted away, i stopped texting and calling as much and so did he so it just..ended. was weird. I found out years later he didnt understand what happened and really loved me but all i remember @ the time was thinking, this guy doesnt give a crap! You might want to cut back on contacting him and see how much he tries to contact you. Does he give more time and conversation to friends an family? If so u might have a problem. If not, your guy could be going through something emotional or be depressed, and that has nothing to do with you but you should know so u can understand and help or let him be if you can't handle it or come up with your own plan. Also, the daily texting's get monotonous spice it up a bit and see if he respondes more. or only text him with info or exciting news. Might be a way to get his attention, for awhile anyway. Youll make your decision soon im sure.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
I just think that he is not really interested in the relationship. He won't talk to you or see you on a regular basis, won't share his thoughts or whatever feelings with you and isn't honest with you. After a year of being together you should know if there's a future or not and it seems to me there is not, so I think you should just move on. Don't you think you deserve someone who really does care about you?
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