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Talking About Romantic Relationships to Family

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Tells His Brother About Our Arguments

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years and have a generally great relationship. We have lots of fun together and have a great connection, but we do have our occasional arguments. The arguments we do have are usually about important issues that we are constantly working on to resolve and have a better understanding of one another.

Whenever we do have an argument or a fight about one of these issues, my boyfriend immediately gets a hold of his brother (usually via IM) and goes on a rant about me. It really bothers me that he feels the need to tell his brother about all of the negative things about me, and it makes me feel like I'm just getting thrown under the bus. 

I never go running to any of my friends or family every time I get mad at him, because I do not think it is fair to talk bad about him to the other people I care about. I don't want to portray a bad image of him to others, and I think there needs to be some sort of privacy in a relationship, especially regarding issues that we have between us.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. Part of me is worried that if I do bring this concern up, he will then go running to his brother and tell him all about this too. Should I just roll with it and learn to accept the fact that he needs to consult his brother about everything? I really just hope his family and friends don't start to get the wrong picture of me. It makes me very sad.

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missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I think everyone needs someone to rant and vent to. So I'm not really surprised. It's hard to keep all your troubles to yourself and sometimes you need a sounding board. But if it's not sitting right with you then he needs to respect that and keep your disagreements between the 2 of you.
daisy23 daisy23 5 years
bf's family without drama. So i sympathize with you on this.
daisy23 daisy23 5 years
So I'm guilty of this. I would tell my mom. Luckily she knows about my good sides/bad sides, and isn't afraid to put me in my place. Had the scenario worked out differently then it would just be extra validation for why I am never wrong. So yes talk to him about it and then see what he says about his brother. Could be his brother like my mom puts him in his place. if you don't get that vibe then tell him that you would prefer that he confides in someone other than a family member. It's nerve wracking enough to deal with your
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He's making a mistake because his brother is going to take his side and tell him what he wants to hear. Unless the brother is incredibly mature and wise, which I'm kind of doubting. And if the brother were wise enough to give good advice, he wouldn't. Because he'd refuse to get involved unless life and limb were at stake.This situation really seems to bother you, so that's enough reason right there not to roll with it. You and your boyfriend need to come to an agreement on confidentiality. It's generally agreed that most arguments are better kept private, between the parties involved only. Do your research. Print off some articles on communication and fighting fair. And then schedule a discussion with your boyfriend.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He's making a mistake because his brother is going to take his side and tell him what he wants to hear. Unless the brother is incredibly mature and wise, which I'm kind of doubting. And if the brother were wise enough to give good advice, he wouldn't. Because he'd refuse to get involved unless life and limb were at stake. This situation really seems to bother you, so that's enough reason right there not to roll with it. You and your boyfriend need to come to an agreement on confidentiality. It's generally agreed that most arguments are better kept private, between the parties involved only. Do your research. Print off some articles on communication and fighting fair. And then schedule a discussion with your boyfriend.
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