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Telling Boyfriend You Want an Abortion

Group Therapy: How Do I Tell Him I Want an Abortion?

This question is an excerpt from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I recently graduated college and moved to a new city to be with him while he also finishes his degree. We both moved into an expensive apartment, we adopted a dog, and at this point I'm unemployed and looking for a job. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I wish this was under different circumstances and I didn't feel this way. But right now having a baby in our lives is not only irresponsible on our part but unfair to our child. I feel that our relationship would become very bitter and unhappy due to the fact that we've just recently made all these changes.

On top of that, I really don't want to have a child, as much as people cringe at the thought of that. The only solution I can think of is to have an abortion since I'm only a couple of weeks. I'm worried how my boyfriend will respond to my decision, and I'm scared that he will not only hate me, but also it will destroy our relationship. So, it's like I'm hurting us either way. I'm scared, but i know in my heart that I do not want to carry this to term even if he disagrees. What would you do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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JessieSP JessieSP 6 years
Tell him as soon as possible. It's your body and you're not ready. So the abortion choice is ultimately yours. If you don't want baby mama drama/dead beat daddy drama, then do what you have to do. You are not prepared mental, physically, and financially to have a child. If you were married and set in your career then maybe I would have a different answer.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 6 years
Oh don't listen to that person! Look, despite the fact that, yes, it is something you're going to have to decide on your own...and get up the courage to tell him on your own, it's not a stupid question to ask on a forum. Most people DIDN'T debate, they truly tried to give you unbiased advice. And, yes, I know you don't know them, but when a girl's in a serious jam, EVERYONE'S advice is wanted.
mmclaire mmclaire 6 years
I understand that and I know it happens, it's one of those situations where it's difficult to make a call. But I do think that he deserves to at least know about the pregnancy and the choice, don't think it's right to leave him in the dark.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
mmclaire: usually when a child is not planned, the mother ends up with sole custody. Sometimes the father of the child pays child support. Sometimes he doesn't. A man walks away from an unplanned child much more often than a woman does. He may say he doesn't want her to have an abortion, but what if she carries the baby to term and then he leaves?
mmclaire mmclaire 6 years
I am pro-choice in my political views. Personally, I don't think abortion is something I could ever have considered in my own life, but I believe each person has the right to make their own decision regarding their bodies and their lives. However, I do believe that the man has just as much right as the woman to participate in the decision making process. I understand that the woman has to carry the child and give birth, but without a man this "child" wouldn't be growing inside of you. I know this is probably not going to be a very popular comment, but I think a father has just as much right when it comes to their cildren as the mother. It's not his fault that he is unable to carry the baby. I would tell him how I feel and talk about it like mature adults. If you are unable to have this discussion, in my opinion, you aren't mature enough to be participating in the activities that can lead to this situation.
kkkb83 kkkb83 6 years
I had an abortion last year. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not going to push you to be pro/anti choice. But I would urge you to do research on the aftermath of abortion. It can be very painful for some women, including me. However others feel fine both physically and emotionally afterward. The decision is totally yours. You can't post on this board if you are thinking about getting one, but I recommend checking out and reading some stories there from women who have had abortions. They are unhappy stories I will warn you. I just want you to be well informed. If you feel that that won't happen to you, go ahead with the abortion.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
You seem like a well educated and intelligent woman. I think you conveyed your feelings on the situation rather eloquently in the post and I believe your boyfriend will have a hard time disagreeing with your arguments. Give him a chance to react before assuming. My best friend and her now husband got pregnant shortly before marrying at the ripe age of 20 and jointly chose an abortion. They are still in a loving relationship and often look back on that as a sad moment, but overall the proper decision. One day they will have a family, it just wasn't the best time. There is definitely still hope for a future with him. This is not the end. Also, as early as it is in your pregnancy, you might be able to get the pill that at Planned Parenthood that causes a miscarriage. Pennyroyal Tea is another good thing to drink lots of right now if you know you don't want to carry this full term. This doesn't make you a bad person, just an honest woman who knows what's right for HER. Good luck.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
Have you and your boyfriend discussed before what would happen if you were pregnant unintentionally? When we were dating, I told my then boyfriend/ now husband that if I were to get pregnant, I would have an abortion. Do you know what his views are? If you anticipate "a fight" from him, then I would do what GlowingMoon suggests and keep it between you and your doctor. If you are sure he will be supportive and comforting, then tell him. Good luck. And remember, posters: she isn't asking if she should or should not get an abortion. She is asking how/ if to break the news to her boyfriend. Preachy comments not helpful.
bikinib7 bikinib7 6 years
I didn't post earlier because I anticipated lots of flack - but I totally agree with GlowingMoon. While others may say this is selfish and he has a right to know, you have already made up your mind (it seems like it). He may end up being bitter (if he is pro-life) and holding it against you.. The downside is that you will have to deal with psychological effects alone (or at least with someone other than your boyfriend, such as a therapist). Also, if you would break down and feel the need to tell him a year later, etc... he may not be able to forgive you. Weigh all sides and whatever you do will work out :)
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
Personally? Given everything that you shared, and if I was in your shoes, I would move ahead with the abortion, and keep it private between me and my doctor. I know this will draw a lot of flak, but I think this is the best judicious decision. Please. Learn from this situation, and be EXTRA careful about birth control in the future. Use multiple ones as a precautionary measure. Truthfully, I do not envy you. My husband and I decided not to have children, and that's why we are very, very careful about birth control. We both have fertile propensities (as both sides of our families are very fertile :)). I would hate to be pregnant by surprise, and be at your difficult crossroad. That's why we are so careful about birth control. Take care.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Since you've decided (in your post), my only advice is to let him/your bf know as soon as possible. Just tell him that you love him, you love your life with him, but you're not ready to be a mother yet (or ever) therefore you're going to have an abortion. Your bf may end up being very supportive of your decision and agree to it and you'll have him as a partner if you would be facing difficult time after the procedure. Good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
To me, it sounds like you've already made your decision (or at least know which direction you want to go). Do not let anyone's comments here sway you in one direction or the other. This is too personal of a decision to let other people influence you. Do what you think and feel is best for you.
Love-and-Sex Love-and-Sex 6 years
Hey guys. The post and comments got mixed up. Sorry if a comment you left earlier is not here. Please feel free to weigh in again!
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
Unfortunately your post will basically become an anti choice rally even though you didn't ask for any oppinions on it because it is a hotly debated issue. My final thought of advice is to see a therapist if you find it necessary and to stop listening to a bunch of random people on line give you pro or anti choice statistics.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 6 years
Just to clarify- why do you assume he will hate you? Is he fundamentally anti-choice? Or do you just not know? Because I know that many men who aren't ready for a child want their girlfriends to abort, and the problem is often the other way around. But at the end of the day it's YOUR choice. If I got pregnant now, I would of course abort, and I'm sure my boyfriend would be ok with it. (We've spoken of it hypothetically) But if your man has before said to you he's against them, it's more of a problem. I couldn't date a man like that. I would abort, tell him, and if that's the end of the relationship, that's it.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, Give the baby up for adoption. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
The best reason not to have an abortion is growing inside of you right now. It may be a 'mass of cells' but it's fast on its way to becoming a living, breathing, human being. If you don't want that human being to walk this earth, I guess that's your 'choice.'
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
To end this before it starts, from WebMd: "First-trimester surgical abortions are considered one of the safest surgical procedures. The risk of complications is low. Some minor complications include: * Injury to the uterine lining or cervix. * Infection. Bacteria can enter the uterus during the procedure and cause an infection. This is more likely if an untreated disease, such as a sexually transmitted disease (STD), is present before the procedure. Symptoms of fever, pain, and abdominal tenderness will usually start within 2 to 3 days of the procedure. Antibiotics given during or after the procedure reduce the risk of infection. Rare complications include: * A hole in the wall of the uterus (uterine perforation, rare), which most commonly happens during cervical dilation. (Often, though, dilation with an instrument isn't even necessary before an aspiration procedure.) Bleeding is usually minimal, and no repair is necessary. If bleeding is a concern, a laparoscopy (a procedure that uses a lighted viewing instrument) can be used to see whether it has stopped. * Tissue remaining in the uterus (retained products of conception), usually causing recurring cramping abdominal pain and bleeding within a week of the procedure. Sometimes prolonged bleeding does not develop until several weeks later. * Blood clots. If the uterus doesn't contract to pass all of the tissue, the cervical opening can become blocked, preventing blood from leaving the uterus. The uterus becomes enlarged and tender, often causing abdominal pain, cramping, and nausea."
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
Oh my god what a load of crap that link is dikke kus. It's conservative garbage that is unfounded on real statistics and clearly a tool to sell some book (just look at the left side of the web page). She didn't ask if she should or shouldn't get one, she asked for advice on how to tell her bf so stop spewing christian conservative garbage on here.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
"Also beware of complications and risks like scarring or possible complications for a future pregnancy." This isn't true. Your risk to future pregnancy and scarring is pretty much nonexistant if you have an abortion. I do agree that you should try to picture life a few years down the road and decide if you will end up regretting the decision or not. Before you tell him, you have to be absolutely sure that this is what you want to do. Then when you are sure, tell him. Be prepared for the relationship to potentially end.
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