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It's Time To Have "The Talk"

It's Time To Have "The Talk"

Dear Sugar
I have been dating a new and terrific great guy for about a month now. Everything is going well, but we have not really established our relationship. It's vague and awkward when we introduce each other and yet we are so intimate and mushy when we are alone.

I know that it's early on, but I thought that since we have so many holiday parties coming up this month, it was time that we had "the talk" to avoid future tension. I decided to send him an email to spark the conversation, and we agreed to discuss the status of our relationship in person the next day.

I was shocked and disappointed when we finally spoke. To my dismay, he told me that he wanted to take a break from dating me and he said he didn't feel we were on the same page. He thought a break would let us know if we really missed each other enough to try to make our relationship work.

I feel like I asked for "the talk" too soon and now I regret it. How can I tell him to forget about the talk and just continue on the path we were taking? Did I scare him off? Is it too late to recover from this? Big Mouth Melissa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Big Mouth Melissa
Oh no. Unfortunately there is no way to take back your conversation, but try to look at the bright side of this ... if you can. You took a risk by opening up to him and asking him to discuss your relationship. While it's sad and disappointing that he doesn't feel the same way that you do, at least you know sooner than later what he's really made of.

If anything, at least you don't have to go to all of these parties introducing him around and then explain why you broke up soon after. This way you can go as a single and perhaps meet someone else. Please understand that in no way am I trying to dismiss your feelings, it's just that if a guy really wanted to commit, he would.

This guy seems like he is running scared, and I think it's good that you know that before getting any further emotionally attached to him. Why don't you try and take the break that he has suggested and give it about two weeks. That's half of the time that you've been dating him. If you really miss him and he shows you that he really misses you, then give it your all and try and work things out. If not, then unfortunately I think it's best for you to move on. Good luck.

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3Sweeties 3Sweeties 9 years
I think that if the right feelings are there, it is never too soon to have the talk. This just hastened what would have likely happened further down the road. The worst thing in the world is to love someone who does not love you back, but it is better to find out sooner rather than later.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Oh, goodness. I agree with Arthur that the e-mail thing probably made it seem like a bigger deal than it actually was. In the future, should this kind of thing come along, I would wait until almost immediately after someone asks you what's up, and then find a private moment with the "guy" and say. "You know?? It makes me a little uncomfortable when people ask us that and I don't really know how to answer. What should we say?" And then let him do the talking. But in terms of THIS "guy", I would say you are better off without him. A month isn't really that short a period of time if you have been spending a LOT of time together. Weekend dates for a month aren't the same as overnights 3-4 times a week for a month!! Anyway, let him go. If he really does come back saying he's missed you and wants to try again, I would tentatively give him another go, but do NOT EVER give him a third chance!! And look fabulous at every party you go to and meet someone wonderful.
chealtie chealtie 9 years
I know exactly what you are going through. I told him how I was feeling after 2 1/2 months of countless emails, hours on the phone, and dates. Needless to say, since the "talk" 2 weeks ago, he has vanished... aside from an hour or so on the phone a week ago. I am currently feeling crushed and regretful that I brought it up, but, at least I know he's going to be an @sshole now as opposed to after getting more emotionally involved. I am trying to do what sugar says- keep moving along and keeping busy and if/when he decides to come around again... great... and hopefully I'll be too busy to give him the time of day. We deserve better. Cheers and good luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
my first thought was that it was too soon, but then i remembered dh and i having "the talk" after about the same amount of time. you never know i guess, but it would seem like he thought it was too soon. go out and have some fun without him! i agree with sweet c, sad to say but that's how it's played.
Arthur Arthur 9 years
ugh. That sucks Melissa. Definately don't beat yourself up over it. My only suggestion would be that in the future, when you want to broach a subject like this, don't do it via email. I can almost imagine your dude, reading it differently than you intended, discussing it with his buds, and ending up the way it came out.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
I agree with Dear and Sweet C
JessNess JessNess 9 years
yeaa it may have been to early. I probably would have given it a little more time. Next time you have the "talk" dont try to make it sound so serious. You probably scary him. Bring it up casually. You could just ask "I dont know how to introduce you to friends what are you comfortable with?" Start slow dont just spring it up on him
SWEET-C9363 SWEET-C9363 9 years
play the game. dont call him and if he calls u be completely busy etc etc.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
good advice from sugar-but the "talk" was probably too soon for him-maybe that is why he bailed. He might have thought that you were getting too serious after only a month. Perhaps, he really likes you but isn't ready for that talk just yet. On the other hand, he never gave you a chance (so it sounds) to explain what you meant. Give it a couple weeks and then call to see how his holiday activities are going. Good luck
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