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Too Comfortable With Boyfriend

"My Boyfriend Is Turning Into My Best Friend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, we started dating right after high school. My problem is he's becoming more of a best friend than a boyfriend. I guess I mean we're becoming too comfortable and the romantic aspect is gone. I don't think it's just the honeymoon phase is over either. I think the main problem is, I really don't have any friends. I'm not working right now although I'm trying to find a job. At my last job, I had for three years, I didn't like my coworkers, they gossiped all the time, one was horribly racist, we just didn't like each other as friends. I'm easy to get along with, I'm friendly and nice and compassionate. But I'm terribly shy, I've never been great with people although I'm not super awkward. We talk and get along but I've never been able to move a coworker relationship into friendship. Even the customers that I talked to every day. We got along great, but how do you make friends? So my point is, my BF is the person I talk to about everything, I don't have girlfriends to confide in or talk about dumb little things. He's the only one I have to share with, sometimes it's like he's my gay best friend. Also we haven't been intimate in a long time. We both live at home, but are moving in together in two months. I feel uncomfortable having sex in our parents house, it's disrespectful in my opinion. But I think moving in will help that aspect of my problem. I've looked online for groups in my city and haven't really found anything. Obviously money is tight since I'm unemployed so I can't spend a lot on groups or hobbies. But I really need to meet people and get friends. I need people to talk to outside my boyfriend. Any advice? Do you think my lack of friends is the reason I'm not feeling as romantic with my boyfriend? I'd really like to have a best friend, or at least a girlfriend I can hang out with and talk to so I don't dump everything on my BF.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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sharky89 sharky89 3 years
I used to be really shy and it was also hard for me to make friends at work. But I slowly began pushing myself to attend events at work - such happy hours, going out on lunch breaks with coworkers, etc and began trying to find common things with people I worked with by listening more and slowly opening up about myself when I felt comfortable. Friendships take time to build and real/deep friendship are rare. To take the pressure off yourself and others about developing friendships, don't go in with the goal that you have to make a new friend. Make the goal having fun and finding things in common with someone, and let that bond build over time. Find common activities to enjoy together, invite them out to do things with you (ie go to farmers market, movies, etc), or just talk about casual topics. You mentioned that it's hard right now to join groups and I totally get that (I went through the same thing when I was unemployed and short on money), but I would encourage checking out groups on meetup.com.  A lot of them are free, and the best experiences I had making friends was when I joined a book club and volunteer groups (which you may find on meetup or by doing a google search).  You and your boyfriend can attend events together too! Have fun, and good luck! :)
sharky89 sharky89 3 years
I used to be really shy and it was also hard for me to make friends at work. But I slowly began pushing myself to attend events at work - such happy hours, going out on lunch breaks with coworkers, etc and began trying to find common things with people I worked with by listening more and slowly opening up about myself when I felt comfortable. Friendships take time to build and real/deep friendship are rare. To take the pressure off yourself and others about developing friendships, don't go in with the goal that you have to make a new friend. Make the goal having fun and finding things in common with someone, and let that bond build over time. Find common activities to enjoy together, invite them out to do things with you (ie go to farmers market, movies, etc), or just talk about casual topics. You mentioned that it's hard right now to join groups and I totally get that (I went through the same thing when I was unemployed and short on money), but I would encourage you to look at groups on meetup.com.  A lot of them are free, and the best experiences I had making friends was when I joined book club and volunteer groups I found on meetup (you may find them on meetup or by doing a google search).  You and your boyfriend can attend events together too! Have fun, and good luck! :)
sharky89 sharky89 3 years
I used to be really shy and it was also hard for me to make friends at work. But I slowly began pushing myself to attend events at work - such happy hours, going out on lunch breaks with coworkers, etc and began trying to find common things with people I worked with by listening more and slowly opening up about myself when I felt comfortable. Friendships take time to build and real/deep friendship are rare. To take the pressure off yourself and others about developing friendships, don't go in with the goal that you have to make a new friend. Make the goal having fun and finding things in common with someone, and let that bond build over time. Find common activities to enjoy together, invite them out to do things with you (ie go to farmers market, movies, etc), or just talk about casual topics. You mentioned that it's hard right now to join groups and I totally get that (I went through the same thing when I was unemployed and short on money), but I looked at groups on meetup.com.  A lot of them are free, and I had the best experiences I had making friends was when I joined book club and volunteer groups (which you may find on meetup or by doing a google search).  You and your boyfriend can attend events together too! Have fun, and good luck! :)
zabrow zabrow 3 years
good call trying to find a best friend outside of your relationship! it's great to be feel like you can tell your BF (almost) anything, but i don't think it's super healthy to dump eeeeverything on your significant other. i'm reading this book "MWF seeking BFF" right now that's about the same thing.. a woman who realizes 3 years after relocating to be with her boyfriend (now husband) that she doesn't have any best friends in her new city, so she goes on a quest to find a BFF. she goes on 52 girl-dates in a year. it's inspiring! she tries everything to meet a best friend... maybe you could use some of her ideas? like, asking your friends to introduce you to their friends, starting a cooking group that meets to make dinner together once a month, creating or joining a book club, actively trying to talk to people at yoga classes or out & about wherever you usually go. you've made a first step in putting out into the universe that you want to find a best friend, now you need to put forth the effort to actively seek one out. good luck!
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