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Trouble With Interracial Dating

Group Therapy: Interracial Dating Makes Me an Ugly Duckling

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have this affinity towards finding men outside of my own race attractive. I am African American, and yes I do like black men as well, but for those times when my current crush happens to be white or Indian or Asian, I always kind of feel like a last resort — like these men will date outside their race BUT I'd be picked last because I'm black.

It's a very self-defeating thought and I had ERASED it completely for several months and held a very positive self view. I mean black women, and women of all kinds, are beautiful, and I'm no exception. I should be worthy of anyone

But recently I was very emotionally involved with a guy who I thought liked me (well I knew he liked me because he'd buy me dinner, chocolate, and say underhand flirty comments and such), and he kind of led me on to a point and then dropped me completely. So I started connecting the dots and I realized that he probably likes Asian girls more. (He himself is interracial, half black, half white).

Find out more after the jump!

His ex was Asian, he's been to Japan a couple of times and is obsessed with their culture, he wants to meet my Vietnamese friend . . . and once in front of me he rated these 2 Asian girls who walked by.

All the while I'm thinking . . . why did this guy make it so obvious he likes me if he only finds Asian girls attractive . . . It was kind of a blow to my self-esteem because I was always second (and third and fourth) to any Asian girl to him. (I really liked him and was counting in it to work out, so you can bet I was devastated.) And we go to a school with plenty of gorgeous Asian girls and I just feel like . . . meh . . . again I'm someone's last pick. And perhaps I was just a bridge to his next Asian girlfriend . . .

Who knows. I don't know how to deal. I'm pretty much over HIM as a person, but just the idea that I'm not worthy of some men I'd like to be relationships with because of the color of my skin? Kind of depresses me . . .

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
Man, reading this breaks my heart. I very much hope you'll find someone who'll love you not because or despite of the color of your skin, but because of everything else about you. Let's hope that if what you assume about this guy is true, he's a nasty exception. All the best!
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
Man, reading this breaks my heart. I very much hope you'll find someone who'll love you not because or despite of the color of your skin, but because of everything else about you. Let's hope that if what you assume about this guy is true, he's a nasty exception.All the best!
zeze zeze 5 years
Anon 13 is right I think, and the OP is not just feeling insecure and making things up, I think this exists. Now, I don't think the people who don't find you attractive are racist or prejudice, but we can't really help who we are attracted to and what we've grown up thinking is sexy. I think EVERYONE has their own unique way of looking at things and groups they find attractive and groups they don't, I am sure there are some ethnicities that you probably see as unattractive or not attractive enough, so your ethnicity is no different, there will be people who won't dig what you have - but just because this group doesn't seem to respond well to you on a superficial level, it doesn't mean it is like that for all the groups. It's sort of a weird human quirk to go after things we feel we can't have, so when one group seems to not respond to us, I've noticed we become even more intent on winning their approval - the thing you should focus on is looking at your own attraction and why you feel attracted to people who don't really find you attractive - why not go after those groups who you know find you attractive - of all the men out there, surely there is one in every ethnicity that you would click with, so rather than looking for acceptance, look for an actual relationship. lol, I hope that wasn't too confusing. And just another side note, I don't know if people would agree, but I think true knockouts are knockouts no matter what, like all ethnicities will agree women like Halle Berry, Beyonce, Shakira, Kim K, Sofia Vergara, Jessica Alba, Charlize Therone and Amanda Seyfried are hot. Whether you like black, white, blonde or brunette, if your hot, your hot.
zeze zeze 5 years
Anon 13 is right I think, and the OP is not just feeling insecure and making things up, I think this exists. Now, I don't think the people who don't find you attractive are racist or prejudice, but we can't really help who we are attracted to and what we've grown up thinking is sexy. I think EVERYONE has their own unique way of looking at things and groups they find attractive and groups they don't, I am sure there are some ethnicities that you probably see as unattractive or not attractive enough, so your ethnicity is no different, there will be people who won't dig what you have - but just because this group doesn't seem to respond well to you on a superficial level, it doesn't mean it is like that for all the groups.It's sort of a weird human quirk to go after things we feel we can't have, so when one group seems to not respond to us, I've noticed we become even more intent on winning their approval - the thing you should focus on is looking at your own attraction and why you feel attracted to people who don't really find you attractive - why not go after those groups who you know find you attractive - of all the men out there, surely there is one in every ethnicity that you would click with, so rather than looking for acceptance, look for an actual relationship.lol, I hope that wasn't too confusing. And just another side note, I don't know if people would agree, but I think true knockouts are knockouts no matter what, like all ethnicities will agree women like Halle Berry, Beyonce, Shakira, Kim K, Sofia Vergara, Jessica Alba, Charlize Therone and Amanda Seyfried are hot. Whether you like black, white, blonde or brunette, if your hot, your hot.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
I'm glad you're over that man.Reserve your heart for the man that will cherish you back.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
I'm glad you're over that man. Reserve your heart for the man that will cherish you back.
trinitycc trinitycc 5 years
I'm sorry for the pain you feel. But let it go, it’s his lost. Not everyone sees color first. Let your inner soul shine and men will be attracted to you, not the outer shell that your spirit inhabits. I’m coming from years of experience, dated black and white, (I’m black) and my favorite guys are not who I would pick out of a line up to date, but the ones who I click with on a mental, personality level. My mother told me when I was young (middle school), she never knew what my friends would look like, she just knew they would have a kind personality because those were the only people I was friends with. The friends I brought home were from one extreme to the other physically but we all had the same spirit inside. I know this sounds kind of preachy, but love yourself as you are and it will shine through. Good luck!
MeiGaku MeiGaku 5 years
i've only been with one guy who's vietnamese, and the rest of my boyfriends were of different "races;" (i don't like the word cause well, it's a stupid social construct someone made up at some point in time) and i think it has more to do with stereotypes than anything. LOTS of non-asian guys i talk to have the image of the scandalously sexy asian and so they think all asian girls are that way. and with the asian guys I know, many of them will only go out with asian girls purely because it's a cultural thing. it has nothing to do with you as a person. it's their loss. plus, it kind of seems like the guy was a close friend who liked hanging out with you (and was being a gentleman, hence paying for dinners) rather than truly interested in you as a gf, since he was checking other girls out in front of you. this is sometimes what my guy friends who see me as a brother do with me. best of luck and don't be down! lots of fish in the sea!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Rejection is hard, and it's probably even harder when you feel like the rejection had racial reasons. Chelsea and GregS had some awesome advice for you. Do not let rejection batter your self-image. You are an open-minded woman who will make a man very happy someday. Until you meet him, you'll have to weed through some rejection and some not-so-great guys-- something all single ladies, regardless of race, have to deal with. Don't let it defeat you :)
GregS GregS 5 years
You said it much more eloquently than I did. Thanks!
Chelsea25 Chelsea25 5 years
I understand what you are saying. I myself am mixed race (Black African and Italian) and have dated a few guys from other races but I have found that sometimes by virtue of ethnicity you will simply not be everyones cup of tea or 'first choice' as you call it. Its sad but its true. And thats taking personality out of it because alot of these judgements are made before such people even get to know you. The fact is that its very possible some guys will simply not approach you in that way because u are outside their 'type' and they dont consider you a potential mate as GregS said above. This obviously doesnt happen all the time but when it does you mustn't internalize it. The fact is not everyone is that openminded and preferences are preferences for better or worse. If some people can't see the beauty in others thats their loss, not yours. You are clearly openminded which is great. Try your best to brush it off when other people arent. Don't take on insecurities you were not meant to carry; for every guy who thinks you might be 'unsuitable' theres one who will think youre great! One of my favorite sayings "some will, some won't, so what!! Someones waiting!". A tad cheesy but whatever works right :)
Chelsea25 Chelsea25 5 years
I understand what you are saying. I myself am mixed race (Black African and Italian) and have dated a few guys from other races but I have found that sometimes by virtue of ethnicity you will simply not be everyones cup of tea or 'first choice' as you call it. Its sad but its true. And thats taking personality out of it because alot of these judgements are made before such people even get to know you. The fact is that its very possible some guys will simply not approach you in that way because u are outside their 'type' and they dont consider you a potential mate as GregS said above. This obviously doesnt happen all the time but when it does you mustn't internalize it. The fact is not everyone is that openminded and preferences are preferences for better or worse. If some people can't see the beauty in others thats their loss, not yours. You are clearly openminded which is great. Try your best to brush it off when other people arent. Don't take on insecurities you were not meant to carry; for every guy who thinks you might be 'unsuitable' theres one who will think youre great! One of my favorite sayings "some will, some won't, so what!! Someones waiting!". A tad cheesy but whatever works right :)
GregS GregS 5 years
You possibly were projecting a mental image of your relationship with him as his with you. I would hazard a guess that he likes you as you, not as a girlfriend, while you perceived him as your boyfriend. I can kind of see his thought process (if there really is one), but he should have handled it with much more class. As a pasty-white guy myself, I was raised with a european/asian cultural focus. I did not look at C. and S. American, African, or middle eastern/Persian descendants as culturally rich, and having potential mates. My tastes have been defined through my upbringing. I've since learned that this is rather idiotic; that the cultural heritage is rich in all of these regions of the world, and that there is no reason not to search for potential mates derivitive of these regions. It isn't a reflection upon you or anyone else. Prejudices do not follow logic, however they are difficult to break. If blue is a color that you really don't like, you won't paint every room in your home blue. He may simply not look at African-Americans in the same way you look at white men. It's his loss.
GregS GregS 5 years
You possibly were projecting a mental image of your relationship with him as his with you. I would hazard a guess that he likes you as you, not as a girlfriend, while you perceived him as your boyfriend.I can kind of see his thought process (if there really is one), but he should have handled it with much more class.As a pasty-white guy myself, I was raised with a european/asian cultural focus. I did not look at C. and S. American, African, or middle eastern/Persian descendants as culturally rich, and having potential mates. My tastes have been defined through my upbringing. I've since learned that this is rather idiotic; that the cultural heritage is rich in all of these regions of the world, and that there is no reason not to search for potential mates derivitive of these regions. It isn't a reflection upon you or anyone else.Prejudices do not follow logic, however they are difficult to break. If blue is a color that you really don't like, you won't paint every room in your home blue. He may simply not look at African-Americans in the same way you look at white men. It's his loss.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Any guy who rates other girls in front of you is a) a jerk and b) not interested in you. Don't let the fact that you had a crush on a guy who wasn't worthy of you (who hasn't been there?) make you feel bad about the way you look, the color of your skin, or your self worth. You sound pretty awesome, open minded and cool, so don't let this dude negatively impact your self image.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Any guy who rates other girls in front of you is a) a jerk and b) not interested in you. Don't let the fact that you had a crush on a guy who wasn't worthy of you (who hasn't been there?) make you feel bad about the way you look, the color of your skin, or your self worth. You sound pretty awesome, open minded and cool, so don't let this dude negatively impact your self image.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
You sound like the mousy brunette who worries her boyfriend prefers buxom blondes. Normal, but irrational. The guy who was into Asian girls, that's not the guy you want to be in a relationship with. And they're not all like that. Even white guys.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
You sound like the mousy brunette who worries her boyfriend prefers buxom blondes. Normal, but irrational.The guy who was into Asian girls, that's not the guy you want to be in a relationship with. And they're not all like that. Even white guys.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
There are times in which some men just don't like you, there have been tones of men that don't like me and I don't allowed that to affect me. Black women as gorgeous as any other women. Don't let a jerk ruin your self-esteem.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Don't let the race stuff get to you. The ex who's into Asia/asians was a jerk, no doubt, but most guys aren't like that. I went through a phase where I wanted to date someone of every race, kind of "travel the world", so to speak, and I'd get fixated on this race or that one for a little bit. So, I mean, we've all kind of got our own racial biases of sorts. Sometimes IR relationships work & sometimes they don't. Just like sometimes dating a blonde/redhead/raven-haired work or sometimes it doesn't. It's only as big of a deal as you make it.
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