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Trust

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend has admitted to me that he has cheated on me. It took me a long time to figure out that he had sex with another person. At first I tried to make myself believe that he didn't, but deep down I sort of had known. I would go through his phone and find texts he sends and pictures of his private areas that he sent to other people. We got into several fights about it. He also had accounts to online hookup websites.

Now it is eight months down into our relationship and I have put up with all this bull on the first notation that I love him. I feel like he has changed now. I do not go through his phone anymore because I do not want to sound clingy or crazy. That and because he locks his phone. Am I setting myself up for hurt? Everytime I talk to him he changes the subject. I always look at the little things he does for me, but the overall bad always overshadows the good. Am I being clingy or crazy? Should I be able to just accept him and take his word even if he has cheated on me in the past? 

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Why are some women so stupid? Sorry but you need to grow a backbone and get rid of this ahole.
vmruby vmruby 6 years
He sounds like the poster child for sleazeballs anonymous......I'm thinking he's a nasty sc#mb*g who is probably having sex with anything that moves. Seriously it's only been 8 months. Get way from him before he totally ruins your life.And most of all tell yourself that you are better than that by promising yourself that you will never again make anymore lame excuses for that type of lousy behavior from him or any man . There are no excuses.Drop loserboy to the curbside next to the trash which is exactly where his cheating a$$ belongs.....
vmruby vmruby 6 years
He sounds like the poster child for sleazeballs anonymous...... I'm thinking he's a nasty sc#mb*g who is probably having sex with anything that moves. Seriously it's only been 8 months. Get way from him before he totally ruins your life. And most of all tell yourself that you are better than that by promising yourself that you will never again make anymore lame excuses for that type of lousy behavior from him or any man . There are no excuses.Drop loserboy to the curbside next to the trash which is exactly where his cheating a$$ belongs.....
goldilocks0078 goldilocks0078 6 years
It is sometimes possible to pick up a relationship after one partner has cheated. Sometimes. If they're truly sorry, and both people in the relationship work together to get trust back. Him changing the subject and locking his phone does not mean that he's changed, that he's not cheating anymore, that he closed his accounts on the casual encounter websites, or that he's even sorry. Please, do yourself a favor and dump this jacka**. All the little gestures in the world do not make up for losing trust and respect.
marcied23 marcied23 6 years
the end is in the beginning. if there's one thing i've learned from watching oprah and that really good movie "feast of love" is that. he's shown you his true self, but you'd prefer to ignore it. move on while your only eight months and not eight years in.
cdelaney cdelaney 6 years
break up with him ASAP. if there is no trust, you have nothing at all.
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
Did I read that right? He sends pictures of his "private areas" to other people? Oh God. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't understand how this is even a question. Take the advice that everybody is giving you, for the sake of your dignity and self-respect.
GMarie GMarie 6 years
I saw a good quote the other day - something to the effect of, "Never think you can change a man, unless he happens to be wearing a diaper." :) The idea of being alone may seem scarier to you than staying in a damaging situation full of drama, and no matter what anyone tells you, you're going to do what you're going to do. I will say that the best thing I've ever had in a relationship (my husband) came along when I had finally let go of a very damaging and manipulative man I dated on and off for several years and wasn't even looking for love. The letting go was scary and difficult, but I'd never have met and married this amazing man otherwise. Our little boy wouldn't exist, and the baby girl I'm carrying wouldn't either. Good things come when you're willing to take a step of faith away from what seems safe (even if that "safe" situation is hurting you). Good luck.
GMarie GMarie 6 years
I saw a good quote the other day - something to the effect of, "Never think you can change a man, unless he happens to be wearing a diaper." :)The idea of being alone may seem scarier to you than staying in a damaging situation full of drama, and no matter what anyone tells you, you're going to do what you're going to do. I will say that the best thing I've ever had in a relationship (my husband) came along when I had finally let go of a very damaging and manipulative man I dated on and off for several years and wasn't even looking for love. The letting go was scary and difficult, but I'd never have met and married this amazing man otherwise. Our little boy wouldn't exist, and the baby girl I'm carrying wouldn't either. Good things come when you're willing to take a step of faith away from what seems safe (even if that "safe" situation is hurting you). Good luck.
ThunderRose ThunderRose 6 years
Whoa. And now he's locking his phone? I'm sorry if you love/d him, but if you're saying that he's changed now... I'm sorry, but he's totally using you! what if it turned into an abusive relationship, would you still stay because you loved him? Don't worry, you aren't clingy, and DEFINITELY not crazy! Wouldn't it be easier just to call it off, be freed from the worries, find a man who really loves you back, and has sex with you and ONLY you? The condom and texts is NOT something you should let go... it's good you can be so calm, that will get you far in life. But this isn't a situation you should be so forgiving and relaxed about. you are SO too good for him. Good luck, I really hope things will get brighter for you!
CHOOCHOO CHOOCHOO 6 years
Where did you get the idea that you were clingy and crazy? Let me take a wild guess: him? Hmmmm... I guess I don't understand why you're staying with him. You found all the evidence right there on his phone that he cheated. He has now locked it. Suspicious. Just mild curiosity on my part: does he have a lot of money? Or perhaps you do? That's perhaps one reason people stay in bad relationships. He's good-looking and rich, so it's hard to leave all that, even if he's treating you like crap. OR you're good-looking and rich, and he's having a hard time giving up his playa ways to stick around the chic with money. Maybe I'm a pessimist...but I predict that he'll always cheat because he has no respect for the ladies. I'd end it.
CHOOCHOO CHOOCHOO 6 years
Where did you get the idea that you were clingy and crazy? Let me take a wild guess: him? Hmmmm... I guess I don't understand why you're staying with him. You found all the evidence right there on his phone that he cheated. He has now locked it. Suspicious.Just mild curiosity on my part: does he have a lot of money? Or perhaps you do? That's perhaps one reason people stay in bad relationships. He's good-looking and rich, so it's hard to leave all that, even if he's treating you like crap. OR you're good-looking and rich, and he's having a hard time giving up his playa ways to stick around the chic with money. Maybe I'm a pessimist...but I predict that he'll always cheat because he has no respect for the ladies. I'd end it.
cordata cordata 6 years
I agree with the other posters. From the way you worded your letter, it seems like you want out but feel scared to leave. Trust your instincts.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
"but the overall bad always overshadows the good. " That's all you need to know sweetie, this is your emotional reality in this relationship and this reality is no reason to stay in a relationship. I say pull your self together and move on. Believe it or not there are a host of eligible handsome men out there who will be more than happy to flip that equation for you. All you have to do is give them the chance.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
"but the overall bad always overshadows the good. "That's all you need to know sweetie, this is your emotional reality in this relationship and this reality is no reason to stay in a relationship.I say pull your self together and move on. Believe it or not there are a host of eligible handsome men out there who will be more than happy to flip that equation for you. All you have to do is give them the chance.
jenni5 jenni5 6 years
The trust is gone, move on! You deserve better.
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
Dump the loser. He's cheated, he's probably still cheating, and you're letting him essentially walk all over you while being in a relationship with him. If he's trying to date you while doing other women on the side and if you you're not ok with that, then that's not a good relationship and you could seriously find MUCH better people out there for you.
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
Dump the loser.He's cheated, he's probably still cheating, and you're letting him essentially walk all over you while being in a relationship with him. If he's trying to date you while doing other women on the side and if you you're not ok with that, then that's not a good relationship and you could seriously find MUCH better people out there for you.
pink-elephant pink-elephant 6 years
You are certainly not being clingy or crazy to feel these feelings, Please please please don't deny your instincts. His past affairs and unwillingness to address the issue speaks volumes. I had a roommate to suffer a very similar situation and she took him back .twice,(She too thought he had changed) only to have him cheat on her both times. Please don't set yourself up for more hurt. Listen to your heart, it knows the truth.
mlen mlen 6 years
your instincts tell you he can't be trusted- trust your instincts. if i look back at my dating history i realize that if i always trusted my instincts instead of pretending everything was ok, i would have saved myself a lot of heartache.
janneth janneth 6 years
Dear Elin, please listen to all the advice above and follow every word of it.
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