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Trust Issues With Boyfriend

Group Therapy: I Can't Trust Leaving My Boyfriend Home Alone

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I know this sounds like something a teenager would write, but here it goes anyway. I'm heading out of town for the weekend to visit my folks and other members of my family for a reunion. Unfortunately, my boyfriend can't get the time off work and will have to stay at our place alone. We've been together almost 4 years and I love him very much, but we've had some trouble in the past, which has left me with some trust issues. I've gotten better, as nothing has happened in a very long time, but I can't help but wonder if leaving him home alone for a weekend is going to give him "free reign" to do whatever he likes with no way for me to find out.

I want to talk to him about it but that's part of my issue. Last time I thought something was happening behind my back, I talked it over with him and he assured me that everything was fine and that he would never hurt me, but I found out about a month later that he cheated on me. We were separated for a while, talked things over, and he confessed he made a mistake and made a sincere apology so we eventually got back together.

Long story short, I'm unfortunately still insecure and feel that if I talked to him about it, he would just assure me that things will be fine. I'm going to enjoy my weekend no matter what, but what can I do to feel better about trusting him alone? Thanks in advance.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
you don't trust him. game over. why are you doing this to yourself?
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend has assured me that he will never do what he did again, and that he has realized how much he should appreciate me. I have no choice but to believe him if I want us to work. I may be rebuilding the trust with him, but in order to do that, I have to let things go. I can't be paranoid all the time that something is happening. Like someone else said, if he's going to cheat, he'll do it. Whether or not you go away for a weekend or not, he will find a way. All you can do is either choose to trust him or leave him. If you let this bother you every time you're gone, it will eventually end horribly.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Wow, this DOES sound like something a teenager would write! Let me put it to you this way - if he wants to/is cheat(ing) on you, he's not waiting for a rare weekend alone to stick his member into someone else. He's doing it right now. If you really trust that that is not happening before you leave, then nothing should change for you after you leave for a weekend.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
If you have decided to move past the cheating and stay with him, then move past it. You will never see where the relationship can go if you spend all your time worrying that it will happen again. That being said, I generally feel like staying with someone who cheated on you is validating their ability to get away with it, so why would they not do it again? But if you make the decision to stay and forgive, then actually forgive him and decide to trust him. You're just wasting your time otherwise.
sillyobilly sillyobilly 5 years
hmmm im not sure about this one, part of me thinks you gotta learn to trust him, BUT the exact same thing happened to me, found out my guy cheated, begged me to forgive him then i went away and a year later found out he did it again when i went away. only uour gut can tell you whats right
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
I've mentioned this before, but my personal rule is the 'three strikes' rule. He's got three chances to fix whatever he knows he needs to fix. Once you play the fool the third time, it's O-VA. Get out, get busy, and get away! What I like about this rule is that the great guys will learn after the first time. If he wants to keep you, he'll make it happen. If he doesn't, well, the three strikes is a no-fail because they'll think they can get away with it all the time. Instant no-no. It's a bit of a risk, and I have a girlfriend who has the two-strike rule instead, so if three is too many, two might be just right. My mom has this trick she uses when she goes on vacation with my dad and leaves my siblings at home: she has a friend come and water her garden every day. Trust me, if my brother or sister were up to something, she'd find out. :)
BiWife BiWife 5 years
if you can't trust them, don't be with them. If you have trust issues that mess with the guy or if the trust has been broken. The bottom line is that a relationship has to be built upon mutual trust and respect, so if you can't trust him to respect you enough to not play behind your back, then you know exactly what you should do - the question is will you do what you know needs to be done or will you try to control the poor guy's every move?
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I think you'll be okay. Without trust, there is nothing, but only if he is truly sorry for cheating on you in the past.
mix-tape mix-tape 5 years
I have been in your situation before and it drove me to the edge of insanity. All of the worrying, not being able to trust to the point where you are so convinced of his wrong doing that you are going through all of his personal belongings looking for the smoking gun you believe exists. Eventually one of two things will happen: you'll actually find evidence of his cheating or you'll drive each other apart with your mistrust. Now let me tell you what a relationship with trust feels like now that I've found a loving man unlike my ex. It is a huge relief KNOWING he won't do anything to hurt me. I don't have to stress out when we're apart because he would never cheat. Do yourself a favor: either break up because you can't possible begin trusting him again or make a promise to each other that you'll start fresh and let the past be the past. A long term relationship will have more instances where you'll have to be apart so this has to change some how.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Does this happen every time you're apart? Are you constantly wondering whether he's doing something he shouldn't be? If you can't completely trust him when you're not around him, the two of you need to start getting to the bottom of it together. It's not going to magically get better, you both have to work at it. Good luck, hope you can enjoy your getaway.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Well, Its sort of silly to think you can make something of a relationship looking over your shoulder, or chained at the hip or something. Talk about getting sick of each other. I can't speak for everyone but it seems pretty normal to for couples to take trips away here and there. If you decided he was really sorry then you should lay in the bed you lie in and push forward with that trust and leave mistakes behind you. (To me, sounds a little awful but If he cheats again, it's only a matter of time whether you're home or not).
Eighthandbay Eighthandbay 5 years
Hi I am curious, why do you expect anything at all. Live your life and let him live his. If you are strong and whole apart, together you are even stronger and are capable of building great things. Remember, first trust in yourself only then can you trust in others. Dispite the past, teating the waters is only natural. Are there things that even you put first before the relationship?
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