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Turning Into My Mom

"I'm Afraid of Turning Into My Mom"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Someone please help me. I have some family issues. Let me start off with my mom. I love my mom, but I can't stand the way she is. Her thoughts are very old fashioned. Let me give some examples. She said I can't move out until I'm married (which is totally not going to happen, I plan to move out when I'm 25 married or not). She doesn't let me or my brother go to clubs because according to her people put drugs in your drinks and start fights with you (I know both of these two things happen but I mean come on I know better) so once my brother went and she practically disowned him for like a week.

She shows me off everywhere saying that I could do this and that and that. She is very judgmental of other people, and when I don't agree with her she gets mad. She could find any excuse to fight with us, if a fly passes by she could pick a fight about it. Her facial expression is always tired, sad, angry. I'm tired of it, I love her but I can't stand her ways. I'm scared that I'm going to end up being like her. I know I could choose the way I live my life, but monkey see monkey do. I'm already starting to notice some things that I do that she does. But then again she's practically all I have in the country we live in.

I do have a brother and a stepfather but my stepfather prefers to be with his family and my brother prefers to be with his girlfriend's family. So I'm left alone with her, since I don't have a boyfriend or that many friends and I feel bad if I leave her alone.

Speaking of my brother I'm so disappointed in him because today we came back from a little gathering his girlfriend's family had. And oh my, he was so loving and social at the gathering and everybody loved him and knew him. Then I think of the times he's home and he's so different it's like he prefers to be with that other family. He doesn't like the way my mom is either. When he's home he is so distant from us and is out practically the whole day everyday with the girlfriend. He gets mad/irritated when we talk to him. But no when he's over with her family or just his girlfriend he's a completely different person and my stepdad does the same thing when his with his family.

So I'm left with my mom and her negative attitude, and I don't want to be like her I'm trying to see things I do the same as her and change them but ughhh it's all genetics and habitual behavior that it's practically now natural to act the way she does. I'm just so sad at this whole situation. I love spending time with my mom and love her to death and I'm thankful of everything she's done for us both, but her negative attitude, prohibitions and old fashioned thinking make me have resentment towards her. Then my brother, I have never seen him act so loving with us or any body of our family when they come to visit. Please help me on both situations. Thanks. Oh, by the way I'm 21 and he's 23.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Wow, I love Ican's response. Mom probably *is* depressed and could use some intervention. See if you can convince her to go to the doctor, you could go along for moral support.
Icanonlybejm Icanonlybejm 4 years
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your ,other might be suffering from depression. Have you asked her why she seems so sad & irritable? You have only one mother who loves you & might need help. You will need to distance yourself from her negative energy but it doesn't necessarily mean to move out this minute. Take breaks from her to recharge. As far as her not wanting you to go out, she's just trying (too hard) to protect you- if anyone in the world would worry over you, it's logical that it would be your mother. Someday, she won't be around to worry. You say she shows you off & brags about your skills- kind of what a proud mother would normally do. It is embarrassing but someday no one will fuss over you like that & hopefully you'll remember with a smile on your face the faith she had in you. It seems that she loves you very much but her possibly-depressed state of mind is negatively affecting her & unfortunately everyone who is close to her. Please do not give up on your mother- she can be helped, there are resources. Just remember to take care of yourself, too. Best wishes & positive energy.
matoad matoad 4 years
Get out. You're not helping her by sticking around to share her misery. In the long run, you will be not only happier but more forgiving and helpful towards her if you start carving out a life for yourself now. If you want to make sure you don't take up her bad habits, don't be around them as much - if you don't give yourself the space to find your own response to the world, how can you possibly find out if you're different from your mother or not?
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
First the brother thing, please give him a break. He's working his arse off to win them (her) over -- he's on his very best foot forward. If they marry, they'll get to see more of him. He has no history or baggage with this new family either, and they are fun people. So there is literally no basis for comparison, don't take it personally. Trust me, if someone in his gf's family said something poor about his mother, who his family really is and where his loyalties are would be evident immediately. So let him be, he's wooing a woman! As for your own situation, absolutely classic. Almost mandatory. Nature has programmed you to break on of the best deals (free food, rent and a lot of loyalty) to get out of the household and create your own family. It's just horrible to deal with, but those bonds are indeed deep and so the medicine to loosen them enoough for you to brave leaving has to be deep as well. Her faults are magnified heavily right now, that's nature's way of prying you apart enough to start your own life. Of course you love her! It will be better when you're out and yes, if in your country you can move out at 25 do leave as soon as you can. I would bet after a lot of sulking and maybe a year or so of you both adjusting, she'll come around and you two will have *much* better relationship. Ask her for a momento to put in your new place, show it prominently and ask her over for dinner. In her heart of hearts, she's going to be very proud. This story is as old as the human race, welcome to the pangs of adulthood! :)
BiWife BiWife 4 years
You're tired of her attitude, he's tired of her attitude, your stepdad is tired of her attitude. People eventually start to disassociate with people who are nothing but negative and won't listen to anyone asking for them to improve. You're wanting to move away and get out on your own too. Eventually, you have to decide, are you living your day to day life for you and your dreams, or are you going to live for your mother and to cater and capitulate to her whims and prejudices. I have a ridiculously conservative and judgmental family as well and there comes a time when you have to start limiting how much you let negative people pull you down.
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