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Uncomfortable Staying at Boyfriend's House

"I'm Very Uncomfortable Staying at Boyfriend's House"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

OK, so let me start off by saying this has NOTHING to do with my boyfriend. He is a wonderful man and I am extremely happy.

The problem is where and who he is living with. He lived with his friend of many years, and the friend's wife. There are numerous problems with this living arrangement:

  1. They are married. They have asked him to move out but "no pressure" for a few months now.
  2. They have cats that meow ALL FREAKING NIGHT and I sleep very lightly.
  3. The AC is broken. We live in Miami. Enough said.
  4. They uninvited me to their wedding. It's not because of anything that happened, but apparently they only invited their friends, not their friends' husbands/wives/BFs or GFs. I thought that I was their friend, too. Apparently not.

This stuff has been getting worse for the past few months. He cannot stay over at my place because I live with my mom, and she's old fashioned. He has said he's going to move into a new place, he is "just lazy." My problem is that as much as I love sleeping with him and being with him and obviously having sex with him, I am really really uncomfortable being there. It's uncomfortable to sleep there, and just hanging out there is physically uncomfortable for me. I just go there because I don't want to be at my mom's house all the time (I can't move out and leave her alone, my dad passed away a short time ago and she would be devastated being alone) so my BF is basically my escape.

I usually sleep there Wednesday nights (he is right next to my grad school and I don't get out till late) and Saturday nights . . . but it's getting really bad and I just don't want to stay there anymore. I've tried talking to him and he just keeps saying, "I know you're right, I should move," but I still keep staying there because I love him. Even though it's torture for me. Should I just stop staying there so maybe he will get the hint at how bad it is? I can't even sleep through the night because of the meowing, and the heat, and the evil eyes I am getting from the married couple.

Thanks!

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
"my boyfriend is basically my escape." That is your problem. That isn't an appropriate role to put your boyfriend into. Not fair to him, not fair to you. If you aren't comfortable in your guy's living situation, then absolutely don't go there. These folks have no obligation to change their environment, their home, to accomodate you. And your boyfriend isn't making any substantial change, which makes me wonder if he isn't uncomfortable with the role you've put him in. He needs to move because his roomates have asked him to move and he's agreed, but he's still there...... You can't change him, or his living conditions, you can only change you and the environment you choose. You live with mom, so she won't be alone. I understand that, my sister did the same for 6 or 8 months after my dad passed. That's a very difficulty transition for a woman, losing her husband, and having a grown child move out also. Do you have a timeline for seperating from mom? Any idea of just how long you two will live together? I'd suggest finding a goal for moving out, in the future, with mom. And perhaps part of that could be your spending one or two nights a week in an alternative space.....hotel room....with your boyfriend. This is a problem solving issue, something to discuss with your guy. You have very good reasons to not stay in his digs, so don't. So if the two of you are going to keep that quality time, you'll both have to make some kind of alternative choice and back it up with action. The one thing I will say is that your boyfriend cannot be the safe place you run to to get away from the other things in your life that stress you.....whether it's a heavy school schedule or a feeling of obligation to support your mom. I would suggest you look into some grief counseling and grief support for yourself and for your mom......there are resources available, hospice or community based programs, for people who have suffered recent loss and are feeling lost. Programs that can help people express and understand what they're feeling, and support groups that let you know you're not alone. You've taken on a lot.....grad school and the loss of your dad, support of your mom......get some help with the stress. Find yourself a safe space that is about you, and you alone for some deep breathing, and a peaceful moment. I'm not saying that your boyfriend shouldn't be supportive....he should......but he can't be the only escape you have from stress.....that will stress your relationships as well. take care,
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