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Uninviting a Wedding Guest's Date

Group Therapy: Friend's Boyfriend Not Welcome at Wedding

This question is an excerpt from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I'm planning a wedding which is coming up very soon. In the mad rush to send out invitations, we allowed all our friends and family to be able to bring a guest/significant other etc. to the wedding. Now that we are receiving RSVPs, and I realized my mistake on one invitation in particular. A girlfriend of mine has a boyfriend, whom I have never met, has a shady past and has been listed as a sexual predator under Megan's law. She has not told me, or our other friends, what he did, nor does she say if she herself knows. As far as I know, he has refrained from telling her what he did. (I could not find his name on the webpage. I looked.) Needless to say, I do not approve of this man and the negative influence he has on her.

This issue already came up at a party I threw where I asked her not to bring her boyfriend to my home for I did not feel comfortable with him coming. She ended up calling me a racist, stopped talking with me for a little while before going back to her usual self as if nothing happened. She has been dramatic before and does hold grudges, but I've known this since high school. Now, I'm afraid that the guest she will bring to my wedding will be the same man I didn't want in my home.

Should I call or email her, and say I would like her to attend my wedding, but without the shady boyfriend (she could bring another friend instead). Or should I let it be, and ignore him if she brings him?

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bluerose462 bluerose462 5 years
Talk to her. How ever you have to do it. Some of these people are crazy, A sexual predator! THINK ABOUT IT PEOPLE! You don’t want that type person around. I know some ex-cons and yeah they have rights and most have learned their lesson, and can be good people, but this isn’t a minor offence I don’t care who you are, nice or not.. Think about these questions: Do you want this person around you? Your family? Your friends? How would your guests react knowing you let her bring a sexual predator around them and possibly their children? Put your foot down say NO.
canadianbacon canadianbacon 5 years
You haven't met the guy, and I haven't met you, either. While you may not be a racist, you sure sound prejudgemental to me. You have no valid information upon which to base your conclusions. Could you be mistaken? Maybe, maybe not. Why not simply stoop a little more and lie to your unintended guests? Tell them the wedding is off, but have it anyway, and hope they don't show up. I'm glad I'm not the groom.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Just call her for god's sake, tell her your fiance doesn't want him there becuase they won't be upfront about his convictions. I would get this off your chest and stand your ground. And besides you only have money to invite her and a certain amount of guests. Don't have him show up if you have so many concerns. Its your day. Do what you feel is best for you and you can always include them in on another day if he's not in jail again.
GregS GregS 5 years
There are sex offender sites managed by each state's Law Enforcement bureau. Go there and put in his name. It should tell you where they live and what they did. The offenders in my general area seem to be transmitting child porn, or rape/assault (adult). If it had anything to do with children, tell her he's not welcome, but another guest would be, or she can come solo.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Hmmm... well even if he is a child molester, there most likely won't be many children at the wedding (at least that's how it's been at most of the ones I've been to). I think you should play everything like it's cool and then make one of your bridesmaids give her a Tanya Harding the day before the wedding.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Janine, Saying, "...if it was something like statutory rape..." is making a deductive leap. But I agree that the guy is trouble, is scary, and the fact he won't say what he did is definitely enough to keep him out of the wedding.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
But he has been to jail numerous times, that seems very suspicious. Also, as I stated earlier, if it was something like statutory rape, why would he refuse to tell his gf what he has done???? He sounds like a scary individual to me. Why take any chances by having someone like that around children and your family and friends??
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Oops, she might have been 18, I'm not sure.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Regarding the difference between child molestation and statutory rape, I know of a case of a 16-year-old girl who played doctor with her 14-year-old brother (no pentration or orgasm, just viewing), and she is now on that list and is branded as a sex offender for the rest of her life. Totally unfair.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
"Was just about to say the same thing, Joe." Great minds work together. (ha)
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
^ Was just about to say the same thing, Joe.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Hi everybody! There are several different issues here. One issue is being a child molester, another issue is the difference between child molestation and statutory rape, another issue is why the OP could not find his name on that list, and another issue is what the guy in the OP's post actually did. Let's try to keep the different issues separate.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
spacekatgal: Sorry if you consider the web site I found ridiculous. Here is a more 'reputable' one. The average serial child molester has between 360-380 victims in his lifetime. Yes, most child molesters are serial offenders, meaning that they molest a child at ANY opportunity. Yeah, pretty scary isn't it. You are very insulting, I am not sure if your comments were directed towards me. I am not hysterical, nor am I am conservative, nor am I anything else that you have labelled (me?) in your post. Website: http://stop-molestation.com/disturbing-stats-on-child-molestation-and-child-predators/ Source: South Carolina Forcible Sex Crimes. (1999). Summary, South Carolina Law Enforcement Division, Columbia, SC. I am not judging anyone. I am just stating some facts about child molesters. Personally, I would not want a registered sex offender at my wedding, whether they hurt a child or sexually abused or raped an adult woman. The problem with the large majority of sex offenders if that they ARE repeat offenders, as I stated in my last post which is probably the reason why this man has been to jail multiple times (assuming that the OP's information is accurate). spacekatgal: It is your opinion that people that have paid their debt to society deserve a clean break and if not you have no problem with jail for life for them. Unfortunately, that is not the way our legal system works, pedophiles very rarely get jailed for life even when they are repeat offenders. They get out of jail and harm more children at the first opportunity. Pedophiles and sexual predators do not get 'cured' from their perversions from serving time in jail, it is just completely naive and ignorant to even think that. Guess what? In my opinion a repeat sex offender does not deserve the same rights as other people in society. I am sure that if you, your children or someone close to you was sexually abused or brutally raped your opinion would quickly change.
turtleshell turtleshell 5 years
You don't actually mention what he has done to make YOU uncomfortable. Have you even met this man that you are considering uninviting? What on earth do you think he will do that will ruin your wedding day? I think you shouldn't base your judgement of him on heresay and actually meet with him and his girlfriend in person before coming to such a conclusion.
GregS GregS 5 years
The OP said that he was a "sexual predator", not a "child molester". Sexual predation can mean a lot of things one part of which is child molesting. Let's not make this into something it's not. Get facts first, THEN pass judgement.
Pineappleheart Pineappleheart 5 years
Oh, up for some extra detective work? What jurisdiction are you in? Some states have "Romeo and Juliet" laws; under these the court will look also at the age difference between the parties (other conditions apply), which is directed at the fact scenario presented above (i.e. defendant was 18 and "victim" was 16). If you are in a "Romeo and Juliet" state, and he was still convicted... well... that might be a bit more suspect...
Pineappleheart Pineappleheart 5 years
Something else to ponder-- Gossip spreads... just decide whether you're OK if people start chatting about the topic at/after your big day: "OMG did you KNOW who ___ invited to her wedding?1" Your day might be remembered for your unconventional guest rather than your stunning dress. Just to avoid the nuisance of having to explain yourself to a bunch of disgruntled guests, or deal with the fallout, it might be worth it to POLITELY un-invite...From the sounds of it though, he probably won't show anyways as your friend won't even introduce you to him to let you make an "educated" decision...
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
If he hasn't told your friend why he was in jail then how do you know he is a sex offender?
AlyCarolina AlyCarolina 5 years
1. Its your wedding day and you should not care about anyone else but you, looking pretty and that your about to marry the man you love!! 2. Friendship is something very important. Has it even past your mind that if she is with him its for a reason and she is happy with him that's what you as a friend should see and support, that's what friends do.... If you think that he is dangerous and that your friend might be in danger then get involved and you sit down and tell her what is on your mind but be careful how you say it. Basically make sure she is ok let her know you care about her and that's why your so worried.
AlyCarolina AlyCarolina 5 years
1. Its your wedding day and you should not care about anyone else but you, looking pretty and that your about to marry the man you love!! 2. Friendship is something very important. Has it even past your mind that if she is with him its for a reason and she is happy with him that's what you as a friend should see and support, that's what friends do.... If you think that he is dangerous and that your friend might be in danger then get involved and you sit down and tell her what is on your mind but be careful how you say it. Basically make sure she is ok let her know you care about her and that's why your so worried.
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