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Unsure About Getting Married

Group Therapy: Engaged and Confused

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating this guy for four months, and we got engaged about a month and a half ago.  The last (and only other) relationship I was in was a the relationship from hell.  My ex and I barely speak to each other.  So when my current boy was always paying for me, always getting me little things, and always acting affectionate towards me, I couldn't help but fall in love with him.  

It has only been over the past few weeks that I've really started to see qualities in him that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. It doesn't help that no one we know is supportive of our relationship.  Not my parents, not his mom, not my friends.  I can't remember the last time that anyone said anything nice about him.  And he's so emotionally dependent on me, he has told me that if I were to break up with him that he would stop coming to church, he'd start drinking again, and he would start cutting himself again.  

I'm really starting to question whether I'll be happy with him, or whether I can find someone better for me.  But he is trying to join the military so he can support me.  He does everything he can for me, and part of me does love him, I don't want to lose out on someone who truly cares for me.  I haven't talked to my friends for most of this relationship (he has recently even begun openly disapproving of me hanging out with my friends), so I haven't had an opportunity to talk to them about this.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
inlove23 inlove23 5 years
This is a toxic relationship. I know it's tough to hear, but it's true. While he may not be hitting you, he is being abusive emotionally. By telling you that he will cut himself, stop going to church and drink then he is controlling you because he knows you care too much about him to let him do that. I have been there.. it's not fun. Also, engaged after 3 months is a bit drastic don't you think? You will find someone better just be safe and get out while you can.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
This is a very unhealthy relationship and I would strongly advise getting out before you get yourself into even deeper water (that is filled with sharks and stingrays and piranhas). Good luck!
karen7782 karen7782 5 years
Your parents and friends have your best interests at heart. If no one likes him or is supportive of the relationship, you need to seriously examine why. I agree with everyone else, RUN!
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Ah, posts like this are what keep me coming back to this site.Well, all the other posters have said all there is to say about this relationship. I'm curious about you though - what part of you thought it was a great idea to become engaged to someone like this?
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Ah, posts like this are what keep me coming back to this site. Well, all the other posters have said all there is to say about this relationship. I'm curious about you though - what part of you thought it was a great idea to become engaged to someone like this?
bisou002 bisou002 5 years
There's nothing I can say except to echo the sentiments of the posters above - RUN. I don't know whose idea it was to get engaged after dating for a mere 4 months, but if it was his idea, it's pretty clear he wants to lock you down so he has somewhere to put his baggage. There are many, many issues here, but one of the most off-putting is his threatening to hurt himself should you leave him. RED. FLAG. If I were you, I'd talk to his parents/family about those statements and let them know that you're concerned. Then definitely make a break for it. This will only get worse with time.
imLissy imLissy 5 years
don't marry him, that's for sure.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, He is extrememely lonely, depressed, and unhappy. If you were to stay with him, you would have to give him enormous amounts of attention and emotional support. Are you willing to do this? Also, he is the controlling-abusive type. If you were to ask him about this, would he be willing to admit it? You got engaged after knowing him for less than three months. I see this as a big red flag. Do you see this as a big red flag?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP,He is extrememely lonely, depressed, and unhappy. If you were to stay with him, you would have to give him enormous amounts of attention and emotional support. Are you willing to do this?Also, he is the controlling-abusive type. If you were to ask him about this, would he be willing to admit it?You got engaged after knowing him for less than three months. I see this as a big red flag. Do you see this as a big red flag?
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He's unstable. Do you really want to be the only thing standing between him and alcoholism, spiritual emptiness, and self harm--for the rest of your life? I'm sure you have enough to do already. Let him go self destruct if he needs to. Sometimes that's the only way. It's just torture for everyone else to have to watch! He may come back stronger and ready to be a great partner. Or he may get lost. Either way, you've got a much greater chance of ending up with someone who is actually good for you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He's unstable. Do you really want to be the only thing standing between him and alcoholism, spiritual emptiness, and self harm--for the rest of your life? I'm sure you have enough to do already.Let him go self destruct if he needs to. Sometimes that's the only way. It's just torture for everyone else to have to watch! He may come back stronger and ready to be a great partner. Or he may get lost. Either way, you've got a much greater chance of ending up with someone who is actually good for you.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Sounds like it's time to start asking your family & friends as to why they don't like him. I'm betting that they don't like his controlling nature & feel that he's manipulating you through guilt. If he has had issues with cutting or other self-destructive behaviors, he needs to seek therapy or at least get on some anti-depressants. He can't just hang that over your head to keep you around. Also, joining the military is probably the worst thing he could do. People who are emotionally/psychologically unstable are likely to lose it in combat and pose a threat to themselves and their fellow soldiers depending on them. Not to mention, it'll mean long periods of time where you two are unable to be together or even talk to each other on a regular basis. If he's threatening to cut himself if you leave him, how's he going to handle deployments where he's away from you for several months or more at a time? He needs to get some serious self-improvement done before he's marriage material, imo. Make sure you keep it a long engagement and don't marry him til he's gotten some real help.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Sounds like it's time to start asking your family & friends as to why they don't like him. I'm betting that they don't like his controlling nature & feel that he's manipulating you through guilt. If he has had issues with cutting or other self-destructive behaviors, he needs to seek therapy or at least get on some anti-depressants. He can't just hang that over your head to keep you around. Also, joining the military is probably the worst thing he could do. People who are emotionally/psychologically unstable are likely to lose it in combat and pose a threat to themselves and their fellow soldiers depending on them. Not to mention, it'll mean long periods of time where you two are unable to be together or even talk to each other on a regular basis. If he's threatening to cut himself if you leave him, how's he going to handle deployments where he's away from you for several months or more at a time?He needs to get some serious self-improvement done before he's marriage material, imo. Make sure you keep it a long engagement and don't marry him til he's gotten some real help.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
Run. Seriously, this guys is controlling and manipulative. He is using emotional blackmail to keep you, and he is trying to cut you off from those that you care about. He was nice as pie until you committed yourself by agreeing to marry him, now he is turning. These are huge warning signs for potential abuse. That is not a life that you want for yourself or, god forbid, children.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Get out! No doubt it will being uncomfortable for both of you, but, not near as bad as the rest of your life. My ex did the same and I married, much to my later regret as behavior did not improve and we ended in divorce. Run, don't walk. There are other opportunities, be wise and look for a full glass, not half like this guy.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Get out! No doubt it will being uncomfortable for both of you, but, not near as bad as the rest of your life. My ex did the same and I married, much to my later regret as behavior did not improve and we ended in divorce.Run, don't walk. There are other opportunities, be wise and look for a full glass, not half like this guy.
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