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Not Wanting to Move For Boyfriend

Sunday Confessional: I Don't Want to Move For Him

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I have been going with BF for almost three years, two of which he has been living in another state. The problem is we don't see each other that often, we do text numerous times a day, talk on the phone, etc, but it's not exactly what either of us have in mind. 

To make matters worse, he has asked me a zillion times to move in with him and I really want to, but everytime the time gets close to actually do it, I back out. It has caused a lot of problems and has hurt him several times. He has nothing where he lives now. He has a house here, me, friends and me. I have my family, friends and a job here. He won't consider moving back for me although he has had several good job offers. Now we are broken up because of this. I love him very much but I just can't seem to make that move. And he won't make the move. So what should I do. I am miserable.

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GregS GregS 5 years
I really don't think either of you are ready to scrap everything (jobs, family, friends, towns, etc) for the other person. If the job is a good move professionally, take it. Make a fresh start with a good job and prospects. You'll make new friends. You can keep the old buddies, and family you'll always have. If he really wants you, he'll go to you.
fastblond fastblond 5 years
Excellent thoughts and lots to consider. I might mention that I have just had a terrific job offer to move to another city, which is NOT close to my hometown or close to where he lives. Now I have the dilema of taking this job and losing him most likely or going to live with him and NOT having a job or friends or family close by. Which is it??????
GregS GregS 5 years
Anon 2 is obviously self-centered. She's being selfish, too. It is a 2-way street. Neither of you wants to move for the other. There are some reasons why, but we'd never know. Suffice it to say that the relationship you're both in now is the one both of you prefer than living in one or the other's place. Is there a reasonable middle ground? Some place between the 2 of you that you could live and still get to your work places reasonably?
laluna27 laluna27 5 years
...ALSO....you don't want to only be dependent on him for a social life. That only leads to resentment and that is a real relationship killer.
laluna27 laluna27 5 years
Call me selfish, but I really think you have much more going for you than he does for him. If he can't see that and realize the importance of these things then that is a problem in itself. If he loves you, why would he want you to give up your life to go to a place that has nothing for you?
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
You broke up. You no longer have an issue.
snarkypants snarkypants 5 years
the last three comments hit the nail right on the head!
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Okay, so your relationship didn't work out. Happens to everyone.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
Neither of you wants to move. That is your answer. Accept that and let each other go.
lemuse20 lemuse20 5 years
Maybe you're both being realistic about your relationship and don't think it's serious enough to move? I slightly applaud you though for not automatically jumping ship. I know someone who moved almost literally across the US to be with her bf who she did end up marrying - however, she is so completely miserable right now after 3 years. Not a good situation.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
if you move and it does not work out can you come back to your town and have a place to live? Do you have a fallback? That's the only way I would consider moving to another state to be with him. Maybe he is leaving something behind like HollyJ said. If you guys lived in a small town together maybe he wants to leave that small town lifestyle behind him. Maybe he just wants a fresh start where he can create new memories and meet different kinds of people. Maybe some unpleasant things happened to him back home and you don't know about it. Ask him if this is the case. I hope it works out for you.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
You may love him, but the fact that you are both ambivalent about moving for the other person tells me that this relationship has run its course. You are simply not ready to move. Period. Moving for another person even in a marriage is difficult enough. What if you can't find a job you like, what if he works all of the time and you are having difficulty making new friends, what if his job doesn't work out and he needs to move again, what if he wants to date someone else, etc..... You sound pretty young, and I would advise you not to move. If you are unhappy, he will be unhappy and it will not work out. The same is true for him. I think it is time to move on from this one and start dating other people. Sorry.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
Don't move to another state for someone unless you're married If you break up you'll be left in some random town in a different state all alone and would have to find a new job if you wanted to move back. Don't move to be with someone if you don't want to move and you're not even married to them.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
I think you need to have a conversation with him about why he isn't willing to move to where you live. You also need to stop telling him you will move and then backing out. You two need to discuss the issues and find a compromise that will work for the both of you. Maybe move to a town that is new to the both you but isn't to far away from your friends and family. If you can't decide on a compromise then you two may have to go your separate ways.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
Hm. I'm sorry, but it's a two way street. Why should he have to move for her if she won't move for him? What can you do? Nothing if no one is willing to compromise.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
There must be a tangible reason that he doesn't want to move back. Do you still live where you both grew up? It sounds like it if your family is there. Maybe he wants to move on from this childhood town. You need to figure out if you are willing to leave this place behind. Ask you boyfriend if he'd be willing to move back in a few years. Relationships are all about meeting one another half way.
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