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Weirdest. Headline. Ever.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled post to bring you the weirdest news story ever — from the 2003 archives of the Ohio Beacon Journal. Read it slowly, with pauses to take in each sentence, each one freakier than the last. And I also must quote the best comment ever, from whence this gem was resurrected in BoingBoing: "Yeah, I hate when that happens." (Oh, GeekSugar. You're killing me.)

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