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What Am I Really Waiting For?

Dear Sugar
I was dating a great guy for three and a half years. I have always thought he was the one and it seemed like we were on the same page. We both wanted marriage and we often talked about raising a big family together. However, everything changed the weekend after my best friend's wedding. Completely out of left field, my boyfriend broke up with me.

I was in shock. He told me that he just didn't feel ready to get married and he wasn't sure that he ever would be. Since our split, he has decided to move across the countrty to the west coast to try and clear his head. We decided to use this distance as a test as we have always been generally happy.

Two months have gone by since his move and my boyfriend has been telling my best friend that he is hurt that we don't talk as much because he is still in love with me. He continues to tell me that if he ever were to get married, it would be to me, but he is just not ready and since his brother is going through a nasty divorce, he has lost faith in marriage.

While I am doing everything I can to keep busy, I just can't seem to let myself move on. I want to make everything better and be together with the man that I love. What can I do to get him back? Should I move on with my life or wait for him in the hopes that he will someday want to marry me? Wishful Willa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Wishful Willa
I am sorry to hear about your sudden split. It sounds as though you and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk about getting serious! If you both still love each other, then it needn't be so difficult to talk about your future. It seems like he has gone to the west coast to escape life and escape having to make a decision about your relationship.

He has done what's good for him, and you have been waiting patiently for two months for him to come around - now it's time you get the answers you deserve. Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you both still care about each other, but if you don't want the same things, sometimes it is unfortunately the only way.

Is marriage a must for you? If your boyfriend has lost faith in the union of marriage, would you consider compromising and stay together without officially tying the knot? I just don't understand why it's so hard for him to communicate his feelings for you. After all, he is the one who should be expressing how he feels to you, not through your best friend.

I say, put a time limit on the waiting game. If distance makes his heart grow fonder then he'll come around. However, if he doesn't feel any pressure to be confronted with losing you, he may just leave you hanging for as long as he can. Take control of your life and you decide. Keep in mind, if you loved someone would you move across the country away from them indefinitely and risk losing them?

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Join The Conversation
alltherage alltherage 9 years
Thanks to all who commented. You all really helped to get me some perspective. I have had a lot of great family and friends support but i think i needed more. I am going to take control and end it -- i just need to get the courage and soon -- and I will! Thank you so much!
Bunbunhun Bunbunhun 9 years
He broke up with you and moved across the country, but he still loves you, and cries to *your* bf that you don't talk to him enough?? Talk about emotionally stunted. I look at it this way, how would you feel if this was happening to your daughter? Would you tell her to sit and wait for a man who may or may not ever decide to be a man and commit, or would you tell her that she's far too special to settle for such crass behavior. Three years is a significant investment, but when it comes down to it, you're worth so much more than this.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
Haha Masqueraded...so true! I love the way you phrased the last sentence... :)
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I totally agree with Valeri. Why are you letting this man decide how you're gonna live your life? It honestly looks a little sad...like you're his puppet or something like that. Don't let him have that satisfaction. Just call him up, or write him and say, "Listen...I want marriage, and if you don't, then we obviously don't belong in a relationship together since we don't have the same goals." Simple as pie. Then get the season box set of Sex and The City, get a gallon of ice cream and cry your eyes out for a while. :)
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
he is entitled to his feelings, but he can't have his cake and eat it too. sounds like you feel strongly about getting married (most people do) and you deserve to be free to go out there and find a partner that feels the same way. it's very unfair of him to try and have you waiting for him in a "going steady limbo" with no real commitment. he knows what you want and yet chooses to play the hurt love on your bf's shoulder. boo-hoo, you want something different than he does so he's taking his ball and running to the other side of the country. i agree with sugar, who does that to someone they love? you might write him a letter, very brief, saying that while he was an important part of your life and you value the time you had together his move ended that time; so best of luck to him and let's exchange christmas cards. i think it's important to call it a day so you can move forward and find someone who wants the same things you do. 3 years is a long time to be with someone so expect the healing to take awhile, but everyday you put it off the longer it will be. and tell your "best friend" that you prefer to have your relationship conversations with the person you have the relationship with. she needs to stay out of it. best of luck to you.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
If its meant to be it will. GL
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