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What to Do About Unplanned Pregnancy

Group Therapy: OMG! I'm Pregnant!

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have just found out that I am pregnant! For the first time in my 24 years of existance, I am having a pregnancy scare that has actually turned to a pregnancy reality. I am 8 weeks in but out of my mind thinking what I should do. The situation I am in becomes bit harder because I have only been dating my boyfriend for 3 months, and we have not known each other for more than 4 months. We met in Europe on a school trip we were both attending, and fell in love there. Back in the US we started a relationship that my family does not know about, and I have been trying to keep from them until I know this is a serious and lasting relationship. 

My boyfriend already has a daughter from a previous relationship, and he seems to be like a good father and a great family man. Although he is very new to my life, I have a great amount of respect and affection towards him and I have fallen in love with him in our short time together. I am at a crossroads with the news that I am pregnant because we are not married (my family is very traditional, and having a baby outside of marriage is a big no no for them,) I have also just started the first year of my masters degree two semesters ago, and most importantly I am not mentally or financially ready for a baby yet.

I have looked into my options, such as abortion, but he wants to have the baby and I am not so sure yet. I am running against my biological clock here as the further into the pregnancy I get, the more difficult this decision will be. Please readers, help me with some unbiased and judgement-free guidance for my situation. Thanks!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Vsugar Vsugar 4 years
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this before you feel ready!! It's such a difficult issue, and I can only suggest that you think about what you would need to give up to be a parent, and weigh that against how you would feel choosing to have an abortion. I am totally pro-choice, and I would INSTANTLY have chosen to have an abortion had I gotten pregnant at 16. But I decided when I turned 25 that even though it would be tough, even though I would give up a lot, even though I didn't feel totally ready, that having an abortion if I got pregnant at that point in my life because it would be "hard" just wasn't a good enough reason for me. At 16, I think having a child would have ruined my life. At 25?? No. It would have forever changed the course of my life, yes, but I would have been able to do it, and even enjoy parts of being a parent. I think you need to look at it with your eyes totally open if you decide to have the baby - there are going to be times when it is going to be hard, and you need to face the possibility that you and the father may not work out in the long term, and what that will mean. Don't forget that if you do break up, you will be a single mother in the dating scene. That's not a terrible thing, but it definitely makes it harder. On the other hand, being a parent, though hard, really IS WONDERFUL. You will have days when you want to rip your hair out, or leave and join the circus, and you might even have days when you wish you had made the other decision. But you will also have the best days of your life with your children. And if you've seen that this man is a good father to his other child, then even if things don't work out between you two, you know that you will be able to depend on him being a good parent. And just think!! You will be a young, beautiful mom, your body will bounce back quicker, and when the child is grown up and out of the house, you will still be young enough to enjoy your life. I know I'm a total stranger, but please know that if you were to choose an abortion, I would be totally behind you!! And it's ok, and it will turn out to have been the right decision, and you will find a place for it in your life. But all the things that are terrifying you about parenthood are things that somehow work themselves out in the end, and even when it's overwhelming, you WILL be able to find the joy and positivity in being a parent, even if it's not what you planned for this time in your life. Have you talked to your family at about this? Are your parents/siblings/etc. supportive of this? Because that would be a big deciding factor for me - if I thought I was really going to be all alone in something this big, I might decide to not go forward with the pregnancy. But if you think your family is going to be supportive of this - emotional support can be more important than financial support - you will really be OK, and you will be overwhelmed by how amazing parenting can be. Good Luck with this, and whatever your decision, go ahead with it, and DON'T REGRET IT. Make the decision with courage, and accept it, and then face whatever future it brings you with the knowledge that YOU WILL BE OK.
LoreleiMarines1775 LoreleiMarines1775 4 years
Wait, how are the people giving the sex-ed lesson ignorant? Also, people have regretted having a child, you should ask my mother....She was thirty, two years shy of achieving her Juris doctorate, and she had a great life before I came along and screwed everything up for her..... And then one night of fun with my idiot father (who left a month after I was born since he saw that he was in a "casual relationship and had no actual "Need" in taking responsibility for what he created. Thank Dad you're truly the best. NOT) and four days she found out she was pregnant ...7 months later she founds out that the baby she was carrying might a severe chance of having down's syndrome and drops out of school. (thank you Dr.screwy in diagnosis , for getting that wrong of the bat... If only she knew better ) ... Now here I am 17 years later , A future second generation graduate with a high functioning form of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome and not Down's syndrome) still living in the What If of my mother's great potential!!!! Do you think I enjoy the sacrifice I made her do!? And the regret that she lives with!? Guess again, and trust me I have tried everything to make her go back to finish off the job....But she won't cause why? Cause she sees me and knows that if she didn't have me her life wouldn't be the same....And then she calls me the 'Sunshine of her life'.... Just to either soften the blow or to make sure that I didn't take the blame.... So hopefully you get my gist of things cause if my mom had a crystal ball she probably would've prevented a problem from the beginning... Well, not that I'm a bad kid, I'm just a omen, a very bad omen ,,,,My family fell apart after I came into to the world , so to the girl who's apparently preggers, it is your choice but think it over super super hard...
LoreleiMarines1775 LoreleiMarines1775 4 years
Wait, how are the people giving the sex-ed lesson ignorant? Also, people have regretted having a child, you should ask my mother....She was thirty, two years shy of achieving her Juris doctorate, and she had a great life before I came along and screwed everything up for her.....And then one night of fun with my idiot father (who left a month after I was born since he saw that he was in a "casual relationship and had no actual "Need" in taking responsibility for what he created. Thank Dad you're truly the best. NOT) and four days she found out she was pregnant ...7 months later she founds out that the baby she was carrying might a severe chance of having down's syndrome and drops out of school. (thank you Dr.screwy in diagnosis , for getting that wrong of the bat... If only she knew better ) ... Now here I am 17 years later , A future second generation graduate with a high functioning form of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome and not Down's syndrome) still living in the What If of my mother's great potential!!!! Do you think I enjoy the sacrifice I made her do!? And the regret that she lives with!? Guess again, and trust me I have tried everything to make her go back to finish off the job....But she won't cause why? Cause she sees me and knows that if she didn't have me her life wouldn't be the same....And then she calls me the 'Sunshine of her life'.... Just to either soften the blow or to make sure that I didn't take the blame....So hopefully you get my gist of things cause if my mom had a crystal ball she probably would've prevented a problem from the beginning... Well, not that I'm a bad kid, I'm just a omen, a very bad omen ,,,,My family fell apart after I came into to the world , so to the girl who's apparently preggers, it is your choice but think it over super super hard...
Nryan Nryan 4 years
I don't mean to over-simplify your situation but...in my humble opinion: you will never regret having the child once he/she is here. But you run the risk of suffering regret if you decide not to keep the baby. That being said, it is your choice, every woman has the right to decide. The choice is yours, my first statement just reflects how I think - I don't handle regret and "what if" very well. Those people that are trying to give you a sex-ed lesson are ignorant and are not answering your question. Best wishes, follow your heart.
LoreleiMarines1775 LoreleiMarines1775 4 years
Ok 1) You're in college, please understand and remember that your education is more important and more helpful for the future than a child is....2)For the forum, why is that when someone says "UNBIASED" opinion does that mean this place can turn into another form of Woe Vs. Wade , geez people?!!!! Look if she wants an abortion fine then, if she wants adoption then let her contribute to the 1.4 million un-adopted orphans between the ages of five to fifteen. So what it's her body her choice...3) Ummmm, honey, do you think your 'boyfriend' is smart? Cause if he is/was smart enough to be in college then I think he should've been smart enough to truly and desperately educate himself and you on safe sex..... You know condoms aren't that bad... It's just rubber and some other things that killed us yet... Maybe next time you'll actually invest in a box of them, they do come cheap especially for college students... JUST saying...
LoreleiMarines1775 LoreleiMarines1775 4 years
Ok 1) You're in college, please understand and remember that your education is more important and more helpful for the future than a child is.... 2)For the forum, why is that when someone says "UNBIASED" opinion does that mean this place can turn into another form of Woe Vs. Wade , geez people?!!!! Look if she wants an abortion fine then, if she wants adoption then let her contribute to the 1.4 million un-adopted orphans between the ages of five to fifteen. So what it's her body her choice... 3) Ummmm, honey, do you think your 'boyfriend' is smart? Cause if he is/was smart enough to be in college then I think he should've been smart enough to truly and desperately educate himself and you on safe sex..... You know condoms aren't that bad... It's just rubber and some other things that killed us yet... Maybe next time you'll actually invest in a box of them, they do come cheap especially for college students... JUST saying...
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
I have a problem with this guy. How is it he didn't learn from his first whoops and failed relationship? At this rate, be ready to have a whole baseball team's worth more of kids where this one came from.
JJJSisters JJJSisters 4 years
I agree with most of these comments. You've basically decided you aren't ready already, just looking for the validation it seems. However, just because you aren't ready doesn't mean there are people that would love to have a child that can't. Also, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. It's HIS child too. And being a parent already, he's been through this decision...ask him if looking back on his and his ex's decision to have their kid if it was the right choice and how it's affected them..and someone FOR SURE teach him to use a condom.
JJJSisters JJJSisters 4 years
I agree with most of these comments. You've basically decided you aren't ready already, just looking for the validation it seems. However, just because you aren't ready doesn't mean there are people that would love to have a child that can't. Also, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. It's HIS child too. And being a parent already, he's been through this decision...ask him if looking back on his and his ex's decision to have their kid if it was the right choice and how it's affected them..and someone FOR SURE teach him to use a condom.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I actually agree with skg. On the other side of the adoption story, I had a childhood friend who was adopted into a very loving and supportive family, but she never really got over the trauma of having been given up. She had problems with addiction, manipulating and lying to people compulsively, etc. I know two women who have had abortions and while they do feel pangs of guilt over it, both are either married or in serious relationships now and have the options to plan a family the traditional way, which is ideal. Of course, you have to make the choice that's right for you.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I actually agree with skg. On the other side of the adoption story, I had a childhood friend who was adopted into a very loving and supportive family, but she never really got over the trauma of having been given up. She had problems with addiction, manipulating and lying to people compulsively, etc. I know two women who have had abortions and while they do feel pangs of guilt over it, both are either married or in serious relationships now and have the options to plan a family the traditional way, which is ideal. Of course, you have to make the choice that's right for you.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
I was in the same situation at 20 years old. I had only known the guy for 4 months and he too had another child from a previous marriage. I decided to end the pregnancy and have never regretted it for a minute. I thought this guy was the one, that he was everything I wanted. Turns out I was wrong, and had I had a child with this man I would be linked to him for life. Having a child should be a beautiful and exciting time, and you don't sound too excited. I have looked back and wondered where my life would be, but I was no where near ready to have a child then and still am not at 25. If you think you can live with the choice of ending the pregnancy then I don't think it's a bad choice. And don't let this man talk you into or out of anything. You are the one who will be giving up school, social life, and everything else to take care of this child. He didn't marry the mother of his first child, so he has no reason to marry you. Good luck with whatever you choose, but it sounds like you know what you want to do.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
I was in the same situation at 20 years old. I had only known the guy for 4 months and he too had another child from a previous marriage. I decided to end the pregnancy and have never regretted it for a minute. I thought this guy was the one, that he was everything I wanted. Turns out I was wrong, and had I had a child with this man I would be linked to him for life. Having a child should be a beautiful and exciting time, and you don't sound too excited. I have looked back and wondered where my life would be, but I was no where near ready to have a child then and still am not at 25. If you think you can live with the choice of ending the pregnancy then I don't think it's a bad choice. And don't let this man talk you into or out of anything. You are the one who will be giving up school, social life, and everything else to take care of this child. He didn't marry the mother of his first child, so he has no reason to marry you. Good luck with whatever you choose, but it sounds like you know what you want to do.
Elizabeth-Grey Elizabeth-Grey 4 years
There is another option, you know: You can always give the baby up for adoption. I know from the outside, it's easy to worry that the child or the birth parent or both will end up emotionally scarred from the experience, but I promise (as an adopted child who is in contact with her birth mother) this is rarely the case.
Elizabeth-Grey Elizabeth-Grey 4 years
There is another option, you know: You can always give the baby up for adoption. I know from the outside, it's easy to worry that the child or the birth parent or both will end up emotionally scarred from the experience, but I promise (as an adopted child who is in contact with her birth mother) this is rarely the case.
LaSigh LaSigh 4 years
You need to listen to what your gut is telling you. I mean, when you saw that extra line appear on the test- how did you feel? Was there a sinking or excitement?If you decide to keep it- (my advice as a former single mother) make sure that you're emotionally/mentally/financially prepared to go it alone. He may stick around- but with a child you have to be certain that you're always prepared for the worst case scenario (and not just with the father but with all situations: cars break down, jobs get lost, etc) and ggiinnaa's number 4... yeah, teach that guy about condoms. He be setting up franchises (a lot like my son's biological)
LaSigh LaSigh 4 years
You need to listen to what your gut is telling you. I mean, when you saw that extra line appear on the test- how did you feel? Was there a sinking or excitement? If you decide to keep it- (my advice as a former single mother) make sure that you're emotionally/mentally/financially prepared to go it alone. He may stick around- but with a child you have to be certain that you're always prepared for the worst case scenario (and not just with the father but with all situations: cars break down, jobs get lost, etc) and ggiinnaa's number 4... yeah, teach that guy about condoms. He be setting up franchises (a lot like my son's biological)
nikkisoda nikkisoda 4 years
I was in the same situation! I had all the same emotions going through my head. This was not what I had planned or wanted. My partner and I chose to keep the baby. I knew I loved him and he loved me. That first year after our daughter was born was extremely difficult. But we made a commitment to each other and we stuck to it. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.We have now been together for 6 1/2 years, happily. We have a beautiful child who will be starting kindergarten this year. And we are currently planning our wedding. I think you need to listen to your head and heart. You will know the right choice. My only advice is do not rush a marriage. I think we made it through that bumpy first year because we did not have the added pressure of marriage. We waited until WE were ready, not society.
nikkisoda nikkisoda 4 years
I was in the same situation! I had all the same emotions going through my head. This was not what I had planned or wanted. My partner and I chose to keep the baby. I knew I loved him and he loved me. That first year after our daughter was born was extremely difficult. But we made a commitment to each other and we stuck to it. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. We have now been together for 6 1/2 years, happily. We have a beautiful child who will be starting kindergarten this year. And we are currently planning our wedding. I think you need to listen to your head and heart. You will know the right choice. My only advice is do not rush a marriage. I think we made it through that bumpy first year because we did not have the added pressure of marriage. We waited until WE were ready, not society.
ggiinnaa ggiinnaa 4 years
My advice would be:1) Think of what you would do if the guy wasn't in the picture. Say, he died in a car crash or something. Would you want the kid then? Picture yourself, with and without the guy, 6 months from now, then 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. Assess if the images you see make you happy, if they are compatible with what you had planned previously, how the (in)compatibility makes you feel.2) You said you are "not mentally ready for a baby yet", I think that is pretty much answering your own question... Are you asking a question, or asking for validation because you already decided, if only unconsciously, that you did not want to pursue the pregnancy? It happens. It wouldn't make you a bad person or anything. A happy child requires a happy/mature/balanced parent, so if you think you're not gonna meet there criteria 100% having a child now, then having it may not be doing the child a favor. Or you, of course.3) It is ultimately your decision, not the guy's. Do not let anyone pressure you into doing anything. Do what YOU feel.4) And last: teach that guy how to use birth control, seriously! In his early 20s and already knocked up two girls? That's pretty irresponsible...
ggiinnaa ggiinnaa 4 years
My advice would be: 1) Think of what you would do if the guy wasn't in the picture. Say, he died in a car crash or something. Would you want the kid then? Picture yourself, with and without the guy, 6 months from now, then 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. Assess if the images you see make you happy, if they are compatible with what you had planned previously, how the (in)compatibility makes you feel. 2) You said you are "not mentally ready for a baby yet", I think that is pretty much answering your own question... Are you asking a question, or asking for validation because you already decided, if only unconsciously, that you did not want to pursue the pregnancy? It happens. It wouldn't make you a bad person or anything. A happy child requires a happy/mature/balanced parent, so if you think you're not gonna meet there criteria 100% having a child now, then having it may not be doing the child a favor. Or you, of course. 3) It is ultimately your decision, not the guy's. Do not let anyone pressure you into doing anything. Do what YOU feel. 4) And last: teach that guy how to use birth control, seriously! In his early 20s and already knocked up two girls? That's pretty irresponsible...
Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine 4 years
I have a friend who was in a similar situation, only a few years younger (20) and she decided not to have the baby. I know that she regrets that choice immensely. It's probably one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make and I don't think anyone can make it for you, but just think about how you'll feel after an abortion. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and the fact that he already has a child that he loves is a good sign. Sometimes life throws us curveballs and undoubtedly this would be a turning point in your life, but that doesn't mean it's not a good thing :)
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