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What Is the Girl Code?

"Does the Girl Code Apply Here?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My best friend just told me that he's been hooking up with one of my other close female friends. This was all well and good, but he also confessed he's with another chick at the same time. Neither of the girls know about each other and he's currently indecisive about which one he 'wants' and likes the most. He also doesn't know if he really wants a relationship with either of them. Although I think he's being a douche bag under normal circumstances I wouldn't do anything as it really doesn't have much to do with me. However his confession came after I mentioned that my female friend had been very upset that she hadn't seen him for a while, resulting in him revealing that he's been avoiding her for a while and has been with the other girl.

I told another friend of mine about this and she said it was my "duty" to tell my female friend about it because if she later discovers I knew he was doing this she'll be upset with me. Not only that, but she thinks that what my male friend is doing is awful. I disagree, although she's one of my good friends she didn't tell me she was with him, all she said is that she's finding it hard to get hold of him and was disappointed about it (ironically, just after I said that I wished the two of them would get together). I don't really feel like I owe her anything. Not in a bitchy way or anything, I just don't think "girl code" applies here. After all, he's a closer friend. The only reason I even feel uneasy in my stance is because I can feel that this will all blow up in the next couple weeks — I don't want to shoulder any blame.

Who's right?

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missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I'm putting myself back in college for a moment (ahhh, good times :)) and my 4 best friends were guys. Let's say one of them was in the situation your male friend is in. Assuming I didn't know the girl half as well my male friend, I wouldn't get in the middle of it. I believe the "code" should be loyalty to the closer friend. However, I do agree with Bubbles that his behavior is unsafe and could potentially hurt 2 different women. I would talk with my guy friend and tell him that he should either...dump both of them, pick one of them, or tell them both about the other girl. And honestly, if he's been avoiding your friend, he probably doesn't want to be with her in any kind of committed relationship. Good luck.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 3 years
Tell him not to tell you anything he doesn't want your other friends to know and vice versa. Don't get caught in the middle. I get that it feels kind of fun to know stuff others don't and to "worry" about people, but it gets gross quickly. People get genuinely hurt. Refuse to get involved, even if that means that certain topics are off limits with certain friends.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
You have no obligation to interfere in your friends choices, good friend, better friend, best friend. So there is no blame. You are not responsible for their behavior, they are. I do agree with bubbles, that, as you are so concerned about the situation, that you could help to remind your friends to treat each other the way they want to be treated. It's not wrong to see more than one person at a time. It is dishonest to not be upfront about that and allow each partner to make an informed diecision about whether or not they are interested in being involved in a non monogomous relationship. By not giving each of these women the truth of his situation, he's denying them the option they deserve to choose for themselves. He's selfishly decided that everything is up to him. But this is their situation, not yours, even if you are an interested bystander. It's a tough postiion to be in, to see something not so kosher happening, and trying to juggle loyalties. Try not to make this a competition around who is the better, closer friend. The point here, is you don't want anyone to get hurt if it can be avoided., so I really think Bubbles suggestion is on the money. It's not your place to tell or not tell, but you can encourage everyone to act responsibly and with courtesy. Just ignore the "duty" comment, it's off base. good luck
BiWife BiWife 3 years
If the women have not entered into an exclusive relationship with this guy, then he's doing nothing wrong. If he's sleeping with both without letting them know that he's non-monogamous, then there is an issue with std's, but that's something you can address with the guy friend. I wouldn't say anything to the girl, especially if you're closer with the guy friend.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Let's talk about you. That's your real business. You don't think what your male friend is doing is wrong but he is demonstrating to you he's a liar and a cheat who justifies hurting others for his own pleasure. That is nasty stuff. Let me guess, you don't think this character quality will ever affect you. That would be wrong. Lying, cheating and using -- there are a lot of opportunities for him to do those things to you in a multitude of ways besides sex. So don't be surprised when you're seriously let down or even ripped off by your BF. It will happen. Having sex is a very emotional laden thing to do. If he was honest with both of them, allowing them each to decide what that means to them and act accordingly I'd say this is none of your business. But he's not. So because you're his best friend, own up to the girl code. You need to talk with *him* about the consequences of what he's doing, and that he's using a couple of women unless he's honest about what's going on so they can decide what to do too. It may be all it takes for him to do something about it, that would be a very good sign he's just growing up, not a permanent douche. Having sex and not being open about involvement with others is going to hurt and he's exposing them all to disease and pregnancy. Who knows what secrets the girls have? As for the GF, let's get back to you. She hasn't trusted you with info about this situation. If she brings her relationship with Dick up I think you've got an opening to be helpful an not exposing secrets that aren't your business. I've handled similar situations when I know there is a triangle saying, "If I were you I'd have a long talk with him about what the you two are doing. You know guys, they can be very casual about bonking. Have you asked him if you're exclusive? Do you even want to be? If you do have you talked with him about it? Guys can be pretty casual about sex, so I'd definitely have 'the conversation' just to take care of yourself." In other words, you're being a friend to both of them by reminding them to be respectful toward each other. In the meantime I think you'd better keep an eye on your own back with Dick. No matter how cool or nice he is, he's showing signs he's a user.
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