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What Happened To Our Love?

Dear Sugar
About a year ago I met the perfect guy. He's sweet, smart, handsome, great in bed, full of promise, ambitious ... and very into me. Within the first month we were incredibly close and knew that each other was "the one".

About two months into our relationship, he started bothering me about my sexual past. I have always been very straight forward with him but that conversation sparked a jealous nerve that he can't seem to kick. Whenever I bring up my concerns, he calls me crazy and assures me he is only trying to make sure the woman he is marrying stays true to him.

My boyfriend has no interest in getting to know my friends and whenever we are out with a group, he often gets mad at me for speaking to other people because he says our time together is precious. He has also started calling me at odd hours of the night and he's been to showing up at my apartment unexpectedly making sure I am in fact home when I said I would be.

I have never felt so in love or connected with any man before, but I am so troubled my this behavior. We started shopping for engagement rings but I am having doubts. Am I making the right choice by being with him? I want the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. What should I do? Creeped out Casey

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Creeped out Casey
You have every right to be apprehensive about your boyfriend's behavior. Have you told him that his erratic actions are making you uneasy? Since you are shopping for rings, I would make sure to discuss everything that is bothering you about your relationship before you make a lifelong commitment to him.

It sounds as though he is having some trust issues and power struggles with you. Are you feeling unsafe by his behavior in any way? Has he threatened you or hurt you? You said you have never been so connected to anyone before, but it sounds as though there is quite a bit lacking in your communication.

His possessive and controlling behavior could be the beginning of an abusive relationship. His love could be disguising his possessiveness that actually has nothing to do with love at all. Possessive behavior stems from insecurity. These kind of relationships are filled with manipulation and jealousy which is a potentially dangerous mix.

It is very important to face these concerns as soon as possible. Ultimately you need to take a step back and decide if you want these qualities in your life partner. Eventually, you might be better off without this man in your life. Good Luck.

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tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Casey, please get out of this relationship right now. Normal, well adjusted guys do not behave like this. Good relationships are built on trust. Love and control are not the same thing.
meganismyname meganismyname 9 years
get out now!! i had a boyfriend that i thought was so into me and gave me so much attention and was so great, that was until I hated going out with him because he assumed i was checking out everyone around us. It got so bad if we were at a restaurant and had a male waiter I wouldn't even look up I kept me face down and thats no healthy relationship,trust me.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Another thing I meant to say - I discovered a long time ago that DRAMA is VERY engaging. You might feel so connected to him because of all the DRAMA. It stirs up passion, and keeps you thinking about him and the relationship all the time, and makes it feel like your whole world. But that's not what happens in a healthy relationship - you live your own life too, and he should think that's great - not threatening. Anyway, drama drama drama... Just because it is engaging and captivating doesn't mean it will make you happy for your whole long life. Think about it.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else - get out NOW. Marriage is like a magnifying glass for relationships - those that are already strong and healthy are further nurtured by it, but the same goes for any problems. His behaviour sounds really controlling, manipulative, and on the road to abusive. He is grooming you (no pun intended) to think that this kind of thing is OK, and if you let it go, you will start to let more and more go, and before you know it, you will be in a dangerous situation. Does he want to marry you because he loves you and wants to share his life with you or because he wants to own you?? You can be very deeply in love with someone who makes you miserable. But is that what you really want? I feel like I am saying this a lot lately, but love is not enough. Just because you love him doesn't mean it is a healthy relationship, and doesn't mean you will be happy. Do you really think this behaviour is going to go away completely? If you do, I think you are being overly optimistic and seeing all the best things he could be - not what he really is. At the ABSOLUTE VERY LEAST, I would tell him that you don't want to marry him without going to counselling first. Go together to a safe place to discuss your concerns, hear what he has to say, and hear what an impartial third party has to say. Perhaps there is hope if he gets some counselling and understands why he wants to control you. Good Luck.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
honey31 honey31 9 years
Get out of this relationship and fast!He will only get worse if stay with him he wont change and thats not a healthy realtionship.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
ps- TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! They are YOUR instincts for a reason (i.e. they are meant to keep us out of harm). Good luck!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
my best friend could have written this post last year but thankfully she saw how he got progressively worse and got out of it! (best thing she ever did...) he was soooo wonderful in the beginning and then...s*&t hit the fan as they say. i think the hardest thing about these types of situations is that the bad is almost always balanced with good things (i.e. great sex, he helps out around the house, makes you laugh, etc.) and so you tell yourself "oh, he was just in a bad mood" or "well maybe i WAS being flirty with that guy." your guy sounds pretty insecure and i would suggest that you break it off with him and insist that he get some help before he gets really out of control. don't tell him to do it for you though. he needs to do this for himself, even if it means that you won't get back with him.
SWEET-C9363 SWEET-C9363 9 years
run for the hills
nycgirl nycgirl 9 years
I agree with the previous posts that if he cannot be rationalized with, and doesn't agree to changing his behavior, then you need to take matters into your own hands. ESP since you want the 2.5 kids. What if his possessiveness gets worse as you have kids? Then you're really stuck. I would try slowing this runaway train down, and if you can't, jump off before you commit yourself to him!
tra tra 9 years
Years ago this could have been my post. I was involved in a relationship exactly how you worded your post. Please, no matter how hard it may hurt, get out. No good will come of his me. I chose to ignore all of these warning signs that you are seeing thinking that I could change him. It got much worse to the point where I was in danger. Distance yourself from him, it's the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 9 years
Speaking from experience, it will only get worse... For example: The day you decide to go out for a walk instead of sitting at home in your apartment as promised, the shit will most definitely hit the fan. He started acting this way once he became truly comfortable with you. We all have a mask that we put on when we meet a potential partner. Once we become comfortable with said partner, the mask comes off and our true habits and idiosyncrasies and motivations begin to show. This is the person he NORMALLY is. He has not gone through a change, he has just kept his mask on for a long time. And now that you can see his true self, I suggest he goes for therapy and you get the hell out of there.
Regular_Lady Regular_Lady 9 years
Two words: RED FLAG!! *Dear Sugar* has it totally right. His behaviors are indicative of someone who is controlling and manipulative. And it's not going to get better - it's just going to get worse. After a time, he'll isolate you from your friends and family and not "let" you see them at all, because he needs you all to himself. Believe me, I've seen it happen a number of times. Save yourself before it's too late...
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 9 years
I think you need to get out of this relationship, pronto. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation to me at all. Not wanting to get to know your friends is selfish, and the other behavior is scary. And, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't trust you? It may be the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, but I think you need to distance yourself from this guy. Maybe once you're away from him you'll be able to see more clearly. And you can have the picket fence and 2.5 kids with someone else, someone who respects and trusts you.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
seriously it sounds like a mental health issue on his part. you've only been together a year, a very short period of time in the over all scheme of things. maybe you fell in love his potential rather than him? i think you should try and put some distance between him and you with the idea of moving on entirely in the not to distant future. listen to your gut when it says "i'm troubled by his behavior". you have good reason to be troubled. relationships are serious and heavy WHEN there are serious issues at hand (death, illness, financial difficulties), not when you chat up a friend at a party. sounds like you've had enough, so don't bother with why he changed (mental illness knows no time frame) just get yourself out of this unhealthy relationship. **again, wish there was a way to follow up on these that allowed the initial poster to keep their privacy.
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