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What's His Deal?

What's His Deal?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

So this guy and I have been dating about seven months. I started seeing him pretty soon after a breakup and that has caused some problems for the relationship. I'm quite guarded and everything that spells COMMITMENT (like meeting family, calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) has freaked me out. But, I really like this guy so I've pushed through my anxiety about getting into another LTR. However, late last month, I had kind of a colossal meltdown.

We had an amazing night together — one of the best in my life no doubt. We had a wonderful date — just a great, great time together, and we were just feeling so in love, so smitten. It was amazing. The next night, however, I freaked, and basically broke up with him. He looked like he was punched in the stomach.

Immediately afterwards, I felt horrible. We talked a few days later about how I'm just having trouble being vulnerable and that every time the relationship gets to a new level I throw up some kind of wall and retreat.

He forgave me for freaking out, said there was something about me and that he wanted to be with me. He said that if he didn't see a long-term possibility for us, that he wouldn't bother getting back together, because it's been really hard for him to have me always about to run. I told him I understood and that I'd work really hard at just being in the relationship and letting myself be vulnerable.

Fast forward until now, about three weeks later.

To see the rest

.

We've stayed together, but things have really changed. He's not as forthcoming with the "I love yous" anymore, he doesn't call as much, and just seems guarded. I asked him about it last week and he said he's just feeling really cautious about everything that happened.

Intellectually I understand that, but it sucks to feel him pulling away. Things are better now than they were a couple weeks ago, but I guess I foolishly thought things would just go right back to where they were before my freak out.

Should I just be patient and wait to see if things return to normal? Anyone have any other insight into what might be happening? Please help!

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hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
*crock pot.....
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
*crock pot.....
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
First of all he seems like a great guy and what you're dealing with is natural so at this point no one is in the wrong IMO. You are making a genuine concerted effort to grow emotionally with the relationship and he is content to be patient and supportive. I don't see any thing wrong here. Honey just put the crook pot on simmer and enjoy a hot relationship when it's done.
darc5204 darc5204 6 years
You know, there's not really anything wrong with keeping it cautious about commitment. The problem is having expectations, especially high expecations for emotion and openness, when commitment isn't part of the deal. It sounds like you weren't clear and honest about where you stand. Great guys aren't toys; if you see a real possibility for future commitment but aren't there yet, tell him exactly that, slow down, and adjust expectations accordingly. Otherwise, let him go.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
You have received some good feedback.First and foremost, SLOW DOWN with this new guy. I'm surprised you didn't discuss this with him when you two first dated (to explain you just got out of a long-term relationship, and you're still recovering from it). Yes, I get that he is a good guy, but it's NEVER "worth it to push it," as you put it. That's not how one's heart works, evident by how your situation backfired.Truthfully, if you want this relationship to work, slow down. Accept this estranged situation, and hopefully, it will improve when you're truly ready to let it become more.Also, I speak from experience. My husband waited a long time for me to come around, as I had gotten out of a long-term relationship like you, and that really gave our relationship a good start.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
You have received some good feedback. First and foremost, SLOW DOWN with this new guy. I'm surprised you didn't discuss this with him when you two first dated (to explain you just got out of a long-term relationship, and you're still recovering from it). Yes, I get that he is a good guy, but it's NEVER "worth it to push it," as you put it. That's not how one's heart works, evident by how your situation backfired. Truthfully, if you want this relationship to work, slow down. Accept this estranged situation, and hopefully, it will improve when you're truly ready to let it become more. Also, I speak from experience. My husband waited a long time for me to come around, as I had gotten out of a long-term relationship like you, and that really gave our relationship a good start.
lwimbush lwimbush 6 years
i know this is easier said than done, but when someone breaks your heart, your trust, whatever, you can't take it out on the next person, because then you could be missing something really great.
Frenched Frenched 6 years
As somebody who jumped right away into commitment (got married at 18 after a year and three months of dating) I can say that it's good that you're precautious but I really think there are some deeper issues somewhere that you desperately need to tackle. Try some therapy? Obviously, you are aware that you totally freaked the guy and you can't really blame him for that. As cliched as it sounds, remember that you need to completely love yourself before you can love anybody else. Seek some help and work those issues out. As for your boyfriend, he's freaked right now and he's really going to need some time until he starts feeling comfortable again. Just let time work its magic and seek help.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
The one with the problem is not him, is you. You just want everything: you want to be in a relationship with out committing to that person, and that's just not possible. I think that he is reconsidering whether you are the right person for him, or he wants you to give you space so you can find what you want. I also agree with space, you do seem like a big drama queen and you need to grow pass that in order for things to work out. If you don't like commitment, then don't be in a relationship. You are playing with his feeling, and that is just wrong. Work on your issues first and then get into a relationship.
Deidre Deidre 6 years
(Sorry, the last "2" shouldn't be listed at the end of my previous post! Didn't mean to make that look like I was making a choice for you...)
Deidre Deidre 6 years
Basically, you need to take a very honest look at YOURSELF, not just the guy that you're seeing and how great he is. You will either come to the conclusion that you are ready to deal with an adult relationship or you aren't -- you've already straddled the fence on this for 7 months and it obviously hasn't worked. Once you've figured out what YOU PERSONALLY are ready to handle, you can do one of two things:1) If you think you are capable of making the plunge, you may want to offer a gesture to show this guy that you're really in it with him. For example, letting him know you would like him to meet your parents.or... 2) If the anything hinting commitment still freaks you out, you probably are not ready to be saying "I love you" to someone. If that's the case, you need to be fair to this guy and stop stringing him along. So, what do you want? 2)
Deidre Deidre 6 years
Basically, you need to take a very honest look at YOURSELF, not just the guy that you're seeing and how great he is. You will either come to the conclusion that you are ready to deal with an adult relationship or you aren't -- you've already straddled the fence on this for 7 months and it obviously hasn't worked. Once you've figured out what YOU PERSONALLY are ready to handle, you can do one of two things: 1) If you think you are capable of making the plunge, you may want to offer a gesture to show this guy that you're really in it with him. For example, letting him know you would like him to meet your parents. or... 2) If the anything hinting commitment still freaks you out, you probably are not ready to be saying "I love you" to someone. If that's the case, you need to be fair to this guy and stop stringing him along. So, what do you want? 2)
skigurl skigurl 6 years
it's not "what's his deal?" it's more like "what's YOUR deal?"this is something you brought on because you're not ready to be in a relationship, and likely this is being exacerbated by the fact that he's not the right guy for youthis will never work out because you've jerked him around too much and now that he's pulling away, you are ready for a relationship - you want what you can't have...break up, get to know yourself, and maybe when you truly are at peace and ready to give yourself to someone else, you can be in a relationship, but the timing of this guy is all wrong and you've totally f-ed him over...i feel bad for him
skigurl skigurl 6 years
it's not "what's his deal?" it's more like "what's YOUR deal?" this is something you brought on because you're not ready to be in a relationship, and likely this is being exacerbated by the fact that he's not the right guy for you this will never work out because you've jerked him around too much and now that he's pulling away, you are ready for a relationship - you want what you can't have... break up, get to know yourself, and maybe when you truly are at peace and ready to give yourself to someone else, you can be in a relationship, but the timing of this guy is all wrong and you've totally f-ed him over...i feel bad for him
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
The last time it was awesome for you guys and he openly expressed his affection, you broke up with him, what do you expect him to do? Of course he'll be wary, and you already know why. If you're planning on staying with this guy, wait it out. Just restart the relationship.He may get comfortable again to express his affection or he may not ever again. Either way, it is what it is. Every action has its consequence.The next time around you're dating a new guy, you may want to get over the last one (or give yourself enough time to be single). And work on yourself too, on what you want to do or what you want to have in a relationship. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
The last time it was awesome for you guys and he openly expressed his affection, you broke up with him, what do you expect him to do? Of course he'll be wary, and you already know why. If you're planning on staying with this guy, wait it out. Just restart the relationship. He may get comfortable again to express his affection or he may not ever again. Either way, it is what it is. Every action has its consequence. The next time around you're dating a new guy, you may want to get over the last one (or give yourself enough time to be single). And work on yourself too, on what you want to do or what you want to have in a relationship. Good luck.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
I think you just have to wait and see if things get better. I know that's not easy, but it sounds like he has reason to be cautious. Good luck.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 6 years
I do understand how your boyfriend is feeling. People learn to associate actions with events and feelings. In your boyfriends case he has now associated you freaking out with having a great day with you. He is probably scared that the next time you two have a great day together you will freak out again and break up with him. It’s kind of like a person who has panic attacks. If you have a panic attack while driving, you will be hesitant to drive again because you fear you will have another one. What you have to do is reassure your boyfriend that you really are trying to work on yourself. Let him know that you don’t want him to pull away from you, but also let him know that you understand why he is pulling away. It might take him some time before he goes back to normal, but eventually he will when he notices you aren’t freaking out.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 6 years
I do understand how your boyfriend is feeling. People learn to associate actions with events and feelings. In your boyfriends case he has now associated you freaking out with having a great day with you. He is probably scared that the next time you two have a great day together you will freak out again and break up with him. It’s kind of like a person who has panic attacks. If you have a panic attack while driving, you will be hesitant to drive again because you fear you will have another one. What you have to do is reassure your boyfriend that you really are trying to work on yourself. Let him know that you don’t want him to pull away from you, but also let him know that you understand why he is pulling away. It might take him some time before he goes back to normal, but eventually he will when he notices you aren’t freaking out.
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