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What Is His Problem?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and prior we had known each other for three years. When we were "just friends" everything was fine, and even for the first six months of our relationship he seemed enthusiastic and excited about life and us.

For the past year, things have changed. His attitude and actions have turned for the worst. He seems angry about everything all the time and takes it out on me. He then realizes what he does, feels bad, apologizes and tries to make it up to me. After a few days he begins this cycle all over again.

He says he resents me after he does nice things for me and he feels so bad about the mean things he says and does, but he does not know how to change. It seems like he wants to change, but he is lost and has no guidance. He refuses to talk to anyone, a mentor, counselor, or even friends/family. We decided to take a "break" so he can work things out but he wants to work them out together. I know he needs me, but it's hard for him to talk about his feelings with me. I don't know what to say sometimes, and I don't know how I can help. We love each other very much but this is tearing us apart. Can anyone offer any insight?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community and maybe we'll feature your content on TrèsSugar.

Source: Flickr User ff137

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Join The Conversation
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Very-nice, He has a controlling/abusive personality. Are you ready to confront him over this?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Very-nice,He has a controlling/abusive personality. Are you ready to confront him over this?
very-nice very-nice 5 years
I been with my boyfriend for the pass 10 months it was great at first but then we moved in together when we had 2 months.(his desicion) it was hard because he resently got out of county jail he did 6years and also recently broke up a relationship of 8 years.(the girl cheat it on him 6months before he got out.he broke up with here and told me that he got nothiung to do with here)anyways we where living in the hotel for 4 weeks i was patient and undrrstanding,but then i started seeing how he waas. Inpatient,mad all the time,screeming at me,cusing out calling me stuff, and not wanting to kiss,hug or have intercourse.As the months pass by it became worst and worst until resently he push me,then try to choke me,after that grab me by the face and push to the wall. I lost my job because i whent to san diego with him to be there for him when his mom was getting surgery for lung cancer,i stop talking to all my friends, did everything he tells me to,learned how to clean cook and many other house wife things. I am also helping him study and am studying with him.i do everything for him and help him in any way and lisent to him but when it comes to my problems and ideas i cant share them or event cry to let it out because he start complaning that am weak.i just dont know what to do anymore.am sick and tired of all this.i need help and opinion....help plz
lancater lancater 5 years
omg!!! i seriously have the exact same problem except we have been dating for three yrs. As far as im concerned he has cheated 3 times (just kissing), and they have only been whn we argue n he felt i was leaving. I feel n tell him that clingy to ppl when he is hurt only hurts our relationship but he wont listen. He also switches moods and and personalities depending on who he is around. We have got in a physical fight twice for the two times he has cheated. U only pushed him (im 5'3 n 115lbs, vs 6'2 n 170) n he has choked me n also put me out on the street while we whr driving. This last time i took him back only if he wld change. I had concerns b/c his cousin was getting out of jail and is a terrible influenece. My bf didnt drink or smoke n we attend church when our jobs let us. We were perfect the first week his cousin got out of jail, and just recently my bf planned a movie night after he was done hanging with his cousin. I told him ok n i have a surprise for him, he checked in and said he wld be late and tht made me happy because i thought he was being concederate. he shows up to my house an hr n a half late n he is drunk! my dad was slp so i tld him we wld tlk outside he began to get angry because i tld him he was wrong n tht he shld change n get his priorities right. So he pretends to leave (everytime we argue he wants me to chase him to knw i want him to stay n tlk, this he tld me himself) and when he stped driving he rolled down the window n i stuck my arm in and he rolled it back up! So now i had a broken heart and another physical bruise. We went bck in my house n he apologized and i tld him if he didnt start treating me right ill find someone else who will n he called me a slut. (i am 19 this is my first sexual partner n only i have never kissed anyone or ne thing during our three yrs n he knw tht). so he left n came bck the next morn n it was a totally dif person, as if the night before never happened! I was so lost n tired of trying to talk things out tht i tld him to leave. since then we have broken up n in the beginging i tried so hard to get him bck i tld him he shld have out me first n he tld me "bitch you will never become b4 my blood" This family memeber has been in jail for armed robbery and my ex is the total opposite seriously i wld have never expeceted him to get caught up so much in his cousin. i've listened to my friends n cut all communication n i tld him n a txt i wld, but now he called i didnt answer n then 20mins later he tells me n a txt happy fourth of july...??? Sry so long but his dad abused acohol and his mom got a mickey stuck in her drink after he was born so both were unstable to take care of him. He says he doesnt want to be like his father but i see him goin down this path and idk wht to do. He had to see a therapist when he was little but idk for why he tries to avoid the conversation. I feel as if i am going crazy b/c literally we were best friends im a tomboy so everything we did together.. im so lost on wht to do??
lancater lancater 5 years
omg!!! i seriously have the exact same problem except we have been dating for three yrs. As far as im concerned he has cheated 3 times (just kissing), and they have only been whn we argue n he felt i was leaving. I feel n tell him that clingy to ppl when he is hurt only hurts our relationship but he wont listen. He also switches moods and and personalities depending on who he is around. We have got in a physical fight twice for the two times he has cheated. U only pushed him (im 5'3 n 115lbs, vs 6'2 n 170) n he has choked me n also put me out on the street while we whr driving. This last time i took him back only if he wld change. I had concerns b/c his cousin was getting out of jail and is a terrible influenece. My bf didnt drink or smoke n we attend church when our jobs let us. We were perfect the first week his cousin got out of jail, and just recently my bf planned a movie night after he was done hanging with his cousin. I told him ok n i have a surprise for him, he checked in and said he wld be late and tht made me happy because i thought he was being concederate. he shows up to my house an hr n a half late n he is drunk! my dad was slp so i tld him we wld tlk outside he began to get angry because i tld him he was wrong n tht he shld change n get his priorities right. So he pretends to leave (everytime we argue he wants me to chase him to knw i want him to stay n tlk, this he tld me himself) and when he stped driving he rolled down the window n i stuck my arm in and he rolled it back up! So now i had a broken heart and another physical bruise. We went bck in my house n he apologized and i tld him if he didnt start treating me right ill find someone else who will n he called me a slut. (i am 19 this is my first sexual partner n only i have never kissed anyone or ne thing during our three yrs n he knw tht). so he left n came bck the next morn n it was a totally dif person, as if the night before never happened! I was so lost n tired of trying to talk things out tht i tld him to leave. since then we have broken up n in the beginging i tried so hard to get him bck i tld him he shld have out me first n he tld me "bitch you will never become b4 my blood" This family memeber has been in jail for armed robbery and my ex is the total opposite seriously i wld have never expeceted him to get caught up so much in his cousin. i've listened to my friends n cut all communication n i tld him n a txt i wld, but now he called i didnt answer n then 20mins later he tells me n a txt happy fourth of july...??? Sry so long but his dad abused acohol and his mom got a mickey stuck in her drink after he was born so both were unstable to take care of him. He says he doesnt want to be like his father but i see him goin down this path and idk wht to do. He had to see a therapist when he was little but idk for why he tries to avoid the conversation. I feel as if i am going crazy b/c literally we were best friends im a tomboy so everything we did together.. im so lost on wht to do??
nomorecoffee nomorecoffee 6 years
does this guy have a life? Does he depend on you for a place to live...sounds like he needs you to survive...this is why he resents you...most men do not like being dependent on a woman...makes them feel less of a man....try a couple of days without him...no contact ..check your heart...you might find that you resent him also...by the way..have you asked yourself ..why you think you are in love with him? What is it about him that you love? ...Do you love how he makes you feel when he mistreats you?
Veka Veka 6 years
This sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He became very depressed after the loss of his best friend and he refused to go to counseling, didn't know how to grieve, etc. and took everything out on me. He knew what he was doing and he felt bad for it and wanted to be a good boyfriend, he just wasn't capable of it. So after about a month of being absolutely miserable and a little depressed myself, it finally ended. I would definitely recommend counseling because he sounds like he could be depressed, but if he is unwilling to change or get help, I would say you need to get out while you can. It will start to hurt less.
Yogaforlife Yogaforlife 6 years
I would recommend getting him to a counselor or doing couples therapy. When my hubby (then boyfriend) and I moved to Charlotte a few years ago, he got a job at a tv station down there and he hated it. It made him so unhappy that he always came home in a bad mood and would take it out on me, only to apologize later. We went to couples therapy to work on it (before it became a repetitive/abusive pattern) and discovered the underlying problems behind his anger and what he could do to manage it and release it in a healthy way (for him, it's going to the driving range after particulary stressful days). If you want to make it work, try couples therapy. If he refuses, you should consider leaving because you don't want it to become repetitive behavior or for him to think it's acceptable.
Akasha Akasha 6 years
It sounds very much like the beginning stages of abuse the "taking it out on you" and then apologizing is a huge indicator. It's very difficult to see the signs when he hasn't physically abused you. Maybe you should consider talking to someone by yourself. It might give you a better idea of what you feel about the situation, and he might be more wiling to go to therapy when it's him joining you and not you forcing him to go. People with problems generally don't want or think they need help or don't want to share their feelings with others.
Akasha Akasha 6 years
It sounds very much like the beginning stages of abuse the "taking it out on you" and then apologizing is a huge indicator. It's very difficult to see the signs when he hasn't physically abused you. Maybe you should consider talking to someone by yourself. It might give you a better idea of what you feel about the situation, and he might be more wiling to go to therapy when it's him joining you and not you forcing him to go. People with problems generally don't want or think they need help or don't want to share their feelings with others.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 6 years
Him taking his anger out on you is emotionally abusive. Tell him to talk to a psychologist to deal with his issues or leave. You do not deserve this
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
Could it be he's not happy with him self and his station in life and he's taking it out on you?
eliz05 eliz05 6 years
I think you should let him know that you love and care about him, that seeing him like this hurts you. Advise him to seek help but unless he truly wants help than it most likely won't work. It's sad to see someone you care about act the way he is acting, maybe you should take a break but be there for him as a friend. Know that he is the only one that can help himself.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
This sounds like the beginnings of abuse. If he is not willing to seek professional help, I think you would be best served by cutting all ties with him.
ali321 ali321 6 years
You know I'm not going to call the guy names since I really don't know what his deal is. He just sounds unhappy in life and frustrated. Bottom line is if he can't talk to you about it and he won't get help it's not going to change. You may love him and you might want to be there for him, but really what's the point if he's not putting in any effort and is taking it out on you. Take care of you before he makes you just as unhappy.
chillchic chillchic 6 years
It doesn't seem worth the effort. You have been together almost 2 years and for the majority of it, it has been bad.He doesn't 'need' you, he needs to work on his attitude. He's obviously very dissatisfied with his life and is taking out all of his negative emotions on you. By staying, you are enabling his problems by allowing yourself to be an easy target. I would dump him. Love doesn't mean you have to stay together. I mean, I was in love before too, but he treated me poorly, so I left. I found love again, and so will you.
jenni5 jenni5 6 years
It does seem like he's a coward and wants to break up but just isn't sure. Or he is just so comfortable in the relationship he doesn't know if he should stay or go. Either way if he is treating you bad move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Hiding55 Hiding55 6 years
He's mean to you and he resents you because he isn't happy with you or the relationship anymore. I would leave him. It sounds like he's being a dick to try to make you break up with him anyway. He's a coward.
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