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What am I Doing Wrong?

Dear Sugar--

I had been dating this guy since August. Things started out fairly well. I had recently ended a 6 year relationship because my ex wasn't giving me the attention I deserved and we were constantly fighting because he liked hanging with his friends more than being with me. I had also caught him cheating several times. So I started dating the new guy & he was doing everything right - showering me with gifts, spending time with me, basically he made me feel like I was his top priority. I instantly fell in love. Everything was going great until about 1 month ago. He started coming up with all these crazy excuses about why he couldn't hang out. He said he needed time to sort out a lot of issues he had going on. I believed him because he did seem sincere and he told me he loved me and that I was the one he wanted to be with.

Then one Saturday, a woman that lives two streets over from me came over to my house and said that her daughter told her that we had the same boyfriend. I knew that couldn't be right because he would never do anything like that (or so I thought). She said he has been living with her since August - the same amount of time we had been together. I told her I didn't believe her, and she told me to come over to her house and see for myself. Sure enough when I got there, he was there! I could not believe it! He would not talk to me or give me an explanation. She told me he had also asked her daughter to marry him on Valentine's Day. I was so shocked I just slapped him and cried all the way home.

I have never felt so betrayed. I just can't get it right in the love department. This is the worst feeling and the sad part is part of me still loves him. I am trying so hard to forget about him, because he's moving on with his life and I'm sitting here wondering what did I do to deserve this. I know I am a good person, so why can't I get it right. What am I doing wrong?

--Betrayed by Love Betty

To hear DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Betrayed by Love Betty,

You are not doing anything wrong! It just seems the guys you are meeting are really immature, dishonest and not ready to commit. Why didn't that guy just tell you he had met someone new instead of lying to you! It makes me so mad that he treated you with such disrespect - no one deserves to be treated that way so I am sorry your heart hurts right now.

I'm not sure how old you are, or how old the men are that you are dating, but you might want to think about dating someone who is a few years older than you. Older men tend to have more experience with how to treat a woman and their minds are more focused on their future and less on just "a good time." Since you've been hurt so many times in the past, it's a good idea to take things incredibly slow, and really get to know the next guy you date before letting yourself fall in love prematurely. Get to know what their goals are, if you have the same ideas about commitment and marriage, and most importantly, make sure he makes you feel safe and secure.

Keep your chin up and definitely keep dating. Finding that one special guy won't happen overnight, and as my mother always says "You've got to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince!" Good luck Betty.

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Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 9 years
What a jerk. Be thankful you are not the other girl because from what you said that he moved in with her in August around the time you started dating, to me says he's been with her longer. Did she kick him to the curb? The right man will come around. Give it time. You might not find him until you are in your 30's but men are more mature at that age (usually)
meganekko meganekko 9 years
*hugs* I'm so sorry! Don't blame yourself, we all run into a lot of jerky guys in life, and unfortunately you kissed 2 frogs back to back =(
greenmonster greenmonster 9 years
Any man who makes you cry, is not worth crying over. There are good ones out there who will make you happy, they are just found in un-expected places, and are sometimes already in your life, you just may not see them in that kind of way.....yet. Good luck, this pain will subside.
A_Kat A_Kat 9 years
First of all.. I am SO sorry you have been treated so shitty in the past. Second, as Dr. Grey says "It's them... them and their stupid boy... penises". And Thirdly, Everything happens for a reason. Maybe someone is telling you to just take it slow. Try and find yourself. Take a trip! Move and start all over. I garuntee you will feel so much better after you get away from it all! Good luck girl!
kungfubunni kungfubunni 9 years
so is the other girl going to marry him still? or did she kick him to the curb when she found out he was cheating too? I feel badly for both of you! But it does sound like it was just a rebound relationship, and they never work out very well anyway. like everyone says, slow down and just take time getting to knwo someone. it's easy to fall in love during the "honeymoon" period, it's whether you still feel that way 6 months later!
KrisSugar KrisSugar 9 years
I'm so sorry. No one deserves that, and not only is it hurtful but it undermines your ability to trust men in the future. Just take him for what he is - a jerk, and try to heal your heart. You didn't do anything wrong! This man is just a loser. it sucks to find out someone you trusted is like that, but it happens. :( Do some things with your girlfriends to cheer yourself up, and pamper yourself with a trip to the salon or a massage. i ask myself the same question a lot. what do i do wrong? nothing. I'm just genuine in a relationship and expect the same from a guy. we have to quit blaming ourselves. that doesn't mean you shouldn't be introspective and see what changes you can make. but give yourself a break. I'm so sorry! E-hugs!
onesong onesong 9 years
Agreed with Lucky- you even said that you broke up with your ex boyfriend of six years because he wasn’t paying attention to you and like hanging out with his friends more than you…and oh yeah he cheated a couple times. Stop dating. Right now. You need to learn to love yourself. I want you to give yourself at least 6 months to have fun with friends, relax, read books, catch up on TV and movies, and STAY AWAY FROM GUYS. Make yourself unavailable. In 6 months, you can start going on dates, and I just mean DATES – to the movies, to the beach, to the park, wherever. Also, I think that you need to read a little Emily Post and realize that expensive gifts early on are NOT appropriate to accept from men. Call me old fashioned, but if a man is buying me presents really early I think he only wants one thing. If the next guy you meet does this, give him a dazzling smile and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t possibly accept this, but thank you so much for the thought.” If he presses you to accept, do so, but make darn sure you reciprocate in kind.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
wow, he sounds like a real player. other than holding out longer i don't know what you can do. this was just one guy, you're bound to make a bad choice or 2 along the way. maybe next time wait a little before welcoming the guy into to your life, at each level. not to make him work for it, but to make sure that his interest is real. also, you should have his home address, number and work number before starting to think of him as your bf. meet his friends and have him meet yours (get their feedback). don't fall in love with "potential", but with fact. sadly there are a certain number of guys out there that are just dicks. you learned something here. take that with you into the next relationship. good luck :)
ellenmarie ellenmarie 9 years
What a jerk! I know that you're feeling really down and all, but its not your fault at all whatsoever. Just be sure that you're on your guard when you meet the next guy to come along...
Marci Marci 9 years
What a horrible thing to have to find out. And from someone else! My heart goes out to you. You must be deeply hurt. I absolutely agree with everyone else that you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. I agree with hills that the two guys who brought you such pain are now in your past. Take your time in moving on; take plenty of good care of yourself; and next time you meet someone you really like, move slowly. Make him earn you and prove himself trustworthy.
nessabum nessabum 9 years
it's never your fault when a guy treats you badly. that's absolutely terrible. chin up, hon. don't let this stinker keep you from meeting someone better. :)
hills hills 9 years
what a prick, wel u def dont deserve that bastard, so the good part is hes out of ur life, mayb u could concentrate on having fun with ur girly m8s and do the things that make u happy and have fun for a while. these are just two bad guys and now they are in ur past. perhaps u could take things slow with the next guy and not rush into it, take time to get to know eachother and dont think that just because uve had two bad relashionships url always have them, im sure it wil al turn out well. good luck!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
Lucky, you totally nailed it. as for the poster, i hope things get better for you. this guy sounds like a total loser. seriously, thank the good lord that you did not marry this guy!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I agree 100% with Lucky!
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
I agree. It is not your fault. You are picking bad guys. The first guy was a looser, and then you re-bounded to another loser. You just got the luck of the draw. Hopefully you are seeing a pattern of guys that you are dating. AND hopefully that girl he asked to marry – see’s what a dog he is! Don’t worry sweetie. I was at the end of my rope of dating utter losers for a year. And as soon as I told my friends “I am done dating losers” I met the love of my life. So it will happen sweetie. Just scream at the world “I AM DONE DATING LOSERS!”
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree with lucky. I would also suggest you take things a lot slower the next time you meet someone you are interested in. A great relationship takes time and work they just don't happen. Now would be the perfect time to take up a new hobby or take a class. You'll meet new people and have fun learning something new!
BKNYGal BKNYGal 9 years
Ditto.
PrissyLilBadAss PrissyLilBadAss 9 years
LuckyGrl, well said! I was thinking the EXACT same thing.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 9 years
First, let me say I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. BUT, definitely view yourself as the fortunate one because you didn't marry him or have any kids with him! You WILL get through this. Just keep telling yourself that :) Ok, my biggest suggestion is that you REALLY take the time to get to know the next guy you want to date. Becoming friends with him before you actually date him will allow you time to see both his flaws and good qualities. If you aren't dating him, chances are that he will behave the way he normally does instead of pretending to be something he is NOT just to impress you. You'll find someone, trust me. Just be patient and DON'T beat yourself up, ok :) Life is too short to be depressed.
LuckyGrl-83 LuckyGrl-83 9 years
There is one thing that sticks out from your letter, Betty... You say that he was doing all the right things and that as a result you fell in love with him. What worries me is what you have listed as the things he did: gave you gifts and spent time with you... Maybe its just me but I think these reasons seem pretty superficial ones for falling in love with someone... Next time, instead of focusing on the material and physical benefits of a new boyfriend, focus on common goals, values, likes and dislikes, etc etc before falling head over heels in love with someone... That said... Please don't lose hope, just because you stumbled upon a rotten man or two doesn't mean that the whole crop is doomed. Keep you head up and focus on yourself for a bit... Good Luck!! :)
calibabi calibabi 9 years
you definitely didn't do anything wrong. that guy sounds like a total loser. just be happy that he's out of your life sooner rather than later. you deserve better.
brookrene brookrene 9 years
Eesh, that sounds so rough. I'm sorry. :( To me it doesn't really sound like you did anything wrong other than believe in someone. It sounds clichéd, but really I think someone will come along that is right for you. Unfortunately, we have to go through all the muck to get to the good ones!
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