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Where Do You Stand? Dating a Guy Who Has Kids

I've always had this idea that I'd meet someone, get married, buy a house, and have children. I guess it's a common dream among women, and I hate to admit this but dating a guy who already has kids doesn't really fit into that picture. I'm not saying I would necessarily turn a guy away if he was a dad, but it's not exactly something I look for in a boyfriend.

I know I have some old-fashioned ideals, so what do you think? If you found out a guy you were dating had kids, would it bother you? Would you continue dating? Or would his family situation be a complete deal breaker for you?

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Jessa2650759 Jessa2650759 4 years
I think it's important to view him and the kids as a package deal. You are dating ALL OF THEM, and they ALL need to be important to you. After some time, the time will be right to meet the kid(s) (usually after 6 months to a year), and it's important to let your relationship with the kid(s) be organic (develop naturally), otherwise the kid(s) may react poorly to your FORCED friendship, and authority. It's important to respect that the only authority you have is what the father is okay with. You can only hope that he respects you, and that the kid(s) learn to respect you, otherwise it will continue to be a struggle. So earn their trust, earn their love, then you can become someone that they are CHOOSING to listen to and show respect. Respect is earned, and a place in their lives as a co-parent is what you're working for, not just a relationship with the Father.   if you don't want, or can't handle a relationship with him plus kid(s), then you're with the wrong guy.
realist-chic realist-chic 5 years
I am currently dating a single parent. Im in my early twenties and hes in his early thirties. He is a really good father and has a very healthy relationship with the baby mama. Im actually friends with her and we have a lot of mutual friends. Its been about 6 months now and things are starting to settle in that I hadnt really thought through, like, what role am I filling? How does this relationship effect his daughter's life? Am I really willing to take on a role as a step mother at this point in my life? I am very independent and dont want to get married or have kids for a long time. I agree with everyone above that its hard not to want to be the center of attention but its also unhealthy to think that a relationship is meant to give you a sense of self worth and security. I have realized that this relationship is actually a great test of my deep insecurities. It is a difficult situation to encounter, especially if there is a deep connection with the parent, which is what I feel. I love him so much and see so many possibilities for our life together, but I am slowly realizing that these possibilities are limited because of his devotion to his daughters life. Its an indefinite commitment, something that will always come between us, and I dont know if I am completely secure and independent enough to accept that limitation. In a way though, I feel like I get too caught up in over-analyzing everything and should just let go and let things happen as they may. Lately I feel as though this relationship is actually more freeing because i have more time to myself while hes with his daughter, and when we do have alone time together, it is more enjoyable because of the space in between seeing each other. But then it gets complicated in that I end up being alone more often and when he does finally get time away from his daughter he wants some of it for himself, which limits our time together even more. Its as if I have to literally squeeze myself into his life, which makes me feel a little unimportant. I dont know, I guess I'm just suspended between wanting to be more prominent in his life and feeling bad about being that selfish when there a young girl is the opposition. I agree with what someone said earlier though, that maybe both his daughter and I are his number one, just on different levels. But then again, theres also the whole area of where his own independence fits in, how does he make time just for himself as a person? Theres just so many complexities, it makes me wonder why I got myself into this situation knowingly. I suppose the love I feel for him takes precedence over the contradictions. I just dont know if the love is really worth all the sacrifice and frustration. But it also makes me feel like it is unfair for him to be unable to find love or sustain relationships because he has committed himself as a father. Shouldnt he be even more deserving of my love? So many questions, so few answers.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
I think it's an incredibly selfless kind of person who can begin a relationship with a single parent knowing that their kid will always come first. I personally never ever want kids and pretty much hate being around them. So no for me, but hats off to those who are willing to accept a child that isn't theirs into their lives.
PiNKHEART14 PiNKHEART14 5 years
i am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 35. he has 3 kids. i am not too far off in age from his eldest. he has been completely respectful to me from day 1. there is nothing terrible about the situation, what matters is who the person is, and how you feel about each other. given, the only unfortunate part is that his deadbeat exes are in existence. he is who i fell in love with and i would never throw that away all because he has kids. should he never be loved by a woman ever again in his life, all because he has baby mommas in existence?i am a very selfless, secure, strong person. i don't mind that i can't be his #1 priority because the kids should be. i don't even mind that he is often drained and we don't get to have as much sex as i'd want! i just enjoy being with him. just make sure you both understand what you want for the future, whether that be having your own children, getting married, etc.i'm very surprised by the overwhelming number of people who would never consider dating a man who has children. when you see him interact with them and take care of them you can tell he a least has SOME ounce of decency, and can cross off the possibility of him being a completely selfish self-centered man who has never catered to anyone but himself, like many men are.
PiNKHEART14 PiNKHEART14 5 years
i am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 35. he has 3 kids. i am not too far off in age from his eldest. he has been completely respectful to me from day 1. there is nothing terrible about the situation, what matters is who the person is, and how you feel about each other. given, the only unfortunate part is that his deadbeat exes are in existence. he is who i fell in love with and i would never throw that away all because he has kids. should he never be loved by a woman ever again in his life, all because he has baby mommas in existence? i am a very selfless, secure, strong person. i don't mind that i can't be his #1 priority because the kids should be. i don't even mind that he is often drained and we don't get to have as much sex as i'd want! i just enjoy being with him. just make sure you both understand what you want for the future, whether that be having your own children, getting married, etc. i'm very surprised by the overwhelming number of people who would never consider dating a man who has children. when you see him interact with them and take care of them you can tell he a least has SOME ounce of decency, and can cross off the possibility of him being a completely selfish self-centered man who has never catered to anyone but himself, like many men are.
Janey0902 Janey0902 6 years
I am currently dating a guy with 2 older teenagers. It's very annoying - I don't know how much longer I will continue. He treats them like babies, which really aggravates me. They can't even make their own damn lunch - they get waited on. I am on the back burner of course. They are always top priority which is difficult for me because I am not used to this. You will never be #1 when he has kids - actually nowhere near #1. THEY are his babies and you will be his entertainment. His loyalty will lie with THEM not YOU.
db27 db27 7 years
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years, he has two kids from previous relationships. I love the man, obviously being with him for so long, but if I could go back in time and avoid meeting him… I would.Being with a person who has kids is far more complicated than one can imagine. To be exact, becoming seriously committed to man or woman with kids especially one who does NOT have custody is a constant roller coaster of emotion.Forget about planning a life with this person because his or her life is controlled by the custodial parent. I can only compare it to being on a short leash which is yanked far too often, and when you least expect it , ripping both of you off of your feet.Over the years, I have realized that it does not get easier it gets harder. I used to have this naïve notion that as the kids got older and time passed things would settle down… WRONG. I used to think that life would get better once the kids hit 18 but that was a ridiculous thought as kids do not simply disappear and needs go on forever and become more expensive.We were actually married for a short time.. Yes married. We got a divorce when one of the mothers realized that she could get more money because of my income. Take it from me, the courts say that they do not take a new spouses income into consideration. BULLSHIT.Moreover, they threatened to confiscate my passport and wanted to access to my finances including assets that I own. The man pays child support faithfully plus contributes extra on the side to the mothers directly. But it is never enough.. it is never ever enough. And the ugly nasty dirty truth is, the extra money that they often want has NOTHING to do with the childs needs.Let me give you a personal scenario. Child tells my boyfriend that his mother has gotten married and is pregnant, that they are moving to a new state and are living in a big new house. Six months later a letter arrives from the courts ..she needs more money because her "situation has changed".She quit her job to move and be an at home mom and has no plans of going back to work. She lists on her financial affidavit that her income is zero, she does NOT list her husbands income because she does not have to.She list her bills as a few grand for her mortgage, utilities are a few hundred, insurance and car payment for the SUV, etc. Her income is NEGATIVE $3500.Clearly, this is not accurate because she does have income from her spouse and spends accordingly but the courts do not see it as such. In their eyes, she is a new mom who needs more money and my boyfriend is the man who will pay for it.What bothers me the most is not knowing when these situations arise.You are happy together, having a great day, laughing etc and then the letter arrives. In an instant your happiness is sucked away because you know what is about to happen. Court proceedings, having to list each and every expense you have, every dime you make, every penny you have saved, every asset you own is up for grabs.Any plans that you had are shot apart in an instant. Having experienced this far too many times I have taken to retreating into myself until the mess is sorted out which can take months. Needless to say this takes a toll on the relationship. I am now 33 years old and 11 years of this has worn me out. I am tired of it, it is like a heavy weight that I have tried to shoulder with him but it has beaten the life out of me.Despite making responsible decisions through out my 33 years of life, working hard to make a good life for myself, saving money, I am unable to live my life as I see fit because of a perfect strangers shitty life choices.Put another way, every shitty choice that either of these women make today, tomorrow, and the future directly impacts my life. If I had it to do all over again I would not.I suppose this is the bottom line, being in a “serious” relationship with a person who has kids forces you to relinquish control over the relationship and at some point your own life.
db27 db27 7 years
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years, he has two kids from previous relationships. I love the man, obviously being with him for so long, but if I could go back in time and avoid meeting him… I would. Being with a person who has kids is far more complicated than one can imagine. To be exact, becoming seriously committed to man or woman with kids especially one who does NOT have custody is a constant roller coaster of emotion. Forget about planning a life with this person because his or her life is controlled by the custodial parent. I can only compare it to being on a short leash which is yanked far too often, and when you least expect it , ripping both of you off of your feet. Over the years, I have realized that it does not get easier it gets harder. I used to have this naïve notion that as the kids got older and time passed things would settle down… WRONG. I used to think that life would get better once the kids hit 18 but that was a ridiculous thought as kids do not simply disappear and needs go on forever and become more expensive. We were actually married for a short time.. Yes married. We got a divorce when one of the mothers realized that she could get more money because of my income. Take it from me, the courts say that they do not take a new spouses income into consideration. BULLSHIT. Moreover, they threatened to confiscate my passport and wanted to access to my finances including assets that I own. The man pays child support faithfully plus contributes extra on the side to the mothers directly. But it is never enough.. it is never ever enough. And the ugly nasty dirty truth is, the extra money that they often want has NOTHING to do with the childs needs. Let me give you a personal scenario. Child tells my boyfriend that his mother has gotten married and is pregnant, that they are moving to a new state and are living in a big new house. Six months later a letter arrives from the courts ..she needs more money because her "situation has changed". She quit her job to move and be an at home mom and has no plans of going back to work. She lists on her financial affidavit that her income is zero, she does NOT list her husbands income because she does not have to. She list her bills as a few grand for her mortgage, utilities are a few hundred, insurance and car payment for the SUV, etc. Her income is NEGATIVE $3500. Clearly, this is not accurate because she does have income from her spouse and spends accordingly but the courts do not see it as such. In their eyes, she is a new mom who needs more money and my boyfriend is the man who will pay for it. What bothers me the most is not knowing when these situations arise. You are happy together, having a great day, laughing etc and then the letter arrives. In an instant your happiness is sucked away because you know what is about to happen. Court proceedings, having to list each and every expense you have, every dime you make, every penny you have saved, every asset you own is up for grabs. Any plans that you had are shot apart in an instant. Having experienced this far too many times I have taken to retreating into myself until the mess is sorted out which can take months. Needless to say this takes a toll on the relationship. I am now 33 years old and 11 years of this has worn me out. I am tired of it, it is like a heavy weight that I have tried to shoulder with him but it has beaten the life out of me. Despite making responsible decisions through out my 33 years of life, working hard to make a good life for myself, saving money, I am unable to live my life as I see fit because of a perfect strangers shitty life choices. Put another way, every shitty choice that either of these women make today, tomorrow, and the future directly impacts my life. If I had it to do all over again I would not. I suppose this is the bottom line, being in a “serious” relationship with a person who has kids forces you to relinquish control over the relationship and at some point your own life.
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