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Where Do You Stand: Remaining Friends With Your Friend's Ex?

Where Do You Stand: Remaining Friends With Your Friend's Ex?

It's always a tricky terrain to navigate when your friend breaks up with her boyfriend in the same circle of friends. Sure, your loyalty is most likely with her, but is it an unwritten rule that you shouldn't remain friends with, or at least friendly with, her ex? Since you were all close at one point, it doesn't seem fair to just drop him because they are no longer dating, but the same time, you don't want to step on anybody's toes. I always try to stay as neutral as I can — obviously supporting who I'm closest with — but I know that's sometimes easier said than done. So ladies, where do you stand on remaining friends with your friend's ex?

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hope12 hope12 4 years
My husband chose to remain friends with my friends x husband. Since they seemed to break up amicably, I thought it would be fine. Problem was everyone in our life ended up knowing except her and when I finally got up the courage to tell her, she ended our 24 year old friendship. unfortunately that event meant more to her than all the years of our friendship. I tried in many ways to repair, talk, email phonecalls, begging, acting like a crazy person etc. but she wanted nothing further to do with me and just waited until i got tired of reaching out, which I sadly eventually did. Problem: LACK OF COMMUNICATION: she didn't communicate; neither did i. Result: friendship endedso if you break up with someone, let your friends in on what you want or need. and if you want to remain friends with the "other" person after your friend breaks up with them, ask them straight out how they feel about it.
hope12 hope12 4 years
My husband chose to remain friends with my friends x husband. Since they seemed to break up amicably, I thought it would be fine. Problem was everyone in our life ended up knowing except her and when I finally got up the courage to tell her, she ended our 24 year old friendship. unfortunately that event meant more to her than all the years of our friendship. I tried in many ways to repair, talk, email phonecalls, begging, acting like a crazy person etc. but she wanted nothing further to do with me and just waited until i got tired of reaching out, which I sadly eventually did. Problem: LACK OF COMMUNICATION: she didn't communicate; neither did i. Result: friendship ended so if you break up with someone, let your friends in on what you want or need. and if you want to remain friends with the "other" person after your friend breaks up with them, ask them straight out how they feel about it.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
I usually can't because if a fight happened between the two of them I have to hear about it and take a side. If I remain neutral with the ex I would make my friend feel I'm being politically correct rather than understanding her feelings. It's interesting though for the first time in my life I am interested in trying to keep in touch with a woman who is a ex of one of my husbands friends. It could get sticky though. He's left her and stays with another woman.
lovelybritty84 lovelybritty84 7 years
I typically dislike my friends' exes, since they hurt someone close to me. However, I do love my guy friend's ex. They never cheated on or hurt one another, so I respect both of them. She's good friends with my sister, so I see quite a bit of her and she's a sweet girl.
katinka14 katinka14 7 years
Friends, yes. Superduper close, no.
RustyAngel73 RustyAngel73 8 years
Depends on how close my friendship was to the ex before the other friend broke up with him, and what difficulties would arise from staying friends with both. I've done a mix of both staying and not staying friends with friends ex's before.
Meike Meike 8 years
Assuming my friend is closer to me by some degree and they were not the fault for a relationship ending poorly, I would respect his/her wishes to either remain friends or not with their ex. There are few things I cannot forgive no matter how close my friendship is with a person. I don't tolerate backstabbing or shameless cheating on an innocent person who is a total gem. If I were to learn my friend did such a thing, it's grounds for me ending that friendship and remaining friends with their ex.
i-am-elle i-am-elle 8 years
I just realized I answered the wrong question. HAHA. I've stayed friends with my friends' exes.... HOWEVER, I am still loyal to my friend. I make it a point to worry about their feelings, etc.
i-am-elle i-am-elle 8 years
I've remained friends with my ex, but it took time & space to get to this point. He says I still make him uncomfortable in person, but when we talk online, things are just peachy. I think he feels awkwardness in person because we're just not the same people we were when we were dating. I guess that's normal. At least we're still civil & can share the same friends.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 8 years
to be honest, i don't think ive ever really been in that situation. most of my girlfriends never really dated circles of friends. i have, however,kept in contact with some of the girls that some of my guy friends date..but it was more i became friends with them while they dated and then a few weeks after the breakup we would contact thru like myspace or something
divinelight divinelight 8 years
Ack! Didn't read the question right. A friend's ex? haha Well, that's trickier. I'm friends with most of my friends' exes because we're all friends in a large group. They were usually friends in our group before they started dating.
divinelight divinelight 8 years
I'm friends with every guy I've ever dated with the exception of one. And I was friends with him after we stopped dating, it's only been more recently that we've stopped speaking to each other. I'm attending his wedding in June though; talk about awkward! The bride invited me and I'm best friends with the maid of honor.
Witchy-Ways Witchy-Ways 8 years
My roommate is giving me a hard time right now because I'm still friends with her ex but she seems to forget that I only got to know her through him... but pointing that out to her would be kind of harsh too, I guess.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
if i wasn't that close with him when they were dating (ie, wouldn't hang around him otherwise), then of course not.i dunno. i'd keep it to "hi" and "bye".my bestfriend's 2nd hubby was part of our cirle (grew up with him), but when they divorced, i didn't really talk to him anymore . . .alot of it had to do with how he treated my BFF.she wouldn't be mad if i went to lunch with him, but to be honest, i just wouldn't. we don't have anything to talk about.
Asia84 Asia84 8 years
if i wasn't that close with him when they were dating (ie, wouldn't hang around him otherwise), then of course not. i dunno. i'd keep it to "hi" and "bye". my bestfriend's 2nd hubby was part of our cirle (grew up with him), but when they divorced, i didn't really talk to him anymore . . .alot of it had to do with how he treated my BFF. she wouldn't be mad if i went to lunch with him, but to be honest, i just wouldn't. we don't have anything to talk about.
7kimba7 7kimba7 8 years
It also matters a lot how long they were together... it's the opposite situation, but I was with my ex for 3 years and grew very close to his best female friend. He and I broke up 5 years ago, but I still talk to her every day. and she didn't "choose" me over him; he understood that she and I became very close.
ILovePugs ILovePugs 8 years
I think staying friends with a friend's ex-bf is fine to do as long as you follow one key rule: DO NOT budge about being neutral! If they ask about each other, tell them you have no interest in being in the middle. It's one thing to listen if they are upset and need to talk, but becoming their go-between jeopardizes both friendships.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I tried remaining friends with one of my friend's exes, and invited her to a party I threw. He was so upset she was there, and later told me that he just didn't want to hang out if she would be around. I felt really badly, because if it were me in that position I would have been upset with him too! Sometimes, you become better friends with the boyfriend or girlfriend, and in that case, it does make sense to remain friends with them after a breakup. I met my best friend through her boyfriend, and I can't even imagine ditching her now that they broke up, just because I was friends with him first.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 8 years
I tried remaining friends with one of my friend's exes, and invited her to a party I threw. He was so upset she was there, and later told me that he just didn't want to hang out if she would be around. I felt really badly, because if it were me in that position I would have been upset with him too!Sometimes, you become better friends with the boyfriend or girlfriend, and in that case, it does make sense to remain friends with them after a breakup. I met my best friend through her boyfriend, and I can't even imagine ditching her now that they broke up, just because I was friends with him first.
bengalspice bengalspice 8 years
I would stay friends would the side that is least at fault for the break-up, or who I am closer with. Other people shouldn't dictate who I am friends with.
northofantastic northofantastic 8 years
Two of my friends broke up late last year and I've remained friends with both of them. In fact, I think I'm better friends with HIM now, while I was closer to HER in the past. She's changed a lot in the last 2 years though, so it's really easy to see things from his perspective--Not to mention, I'm dating his brother. LOL. But seriously, sometimes that can be REALLY hard. Especially when you all used to get together on a regular basis and you now have to figure out who to include in activities if they're not exactly on a speaking level yet. Ugh.
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