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Why Am I Having Nightmares About My Boyfriend?

"Why Am I Having Nightmares About My Boyfriend?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half; I really love him and we generally have a great relationship, but we definitely have our share of ups and downs. The downs have mainly been due to fears and insecurities I have — it's my first really serious relationship seeing how I've been a life long commitment-phobe! — so feeling this vulnerable is overwhelming and scary for me at times.  

Since the beginning of our relationship I have had dreams about my boyfriend that range from neutral (we're out with a bunch of friends but not really talking to each other) to terrible (he's with an ex or I'm cheating on him with someone else). I get the good one on occasion, but it's rare. These dreams really mess with my head! It's terrible when you wake up in the morning and that's the first thing you think about! It can throw me into a funk and get me ruminating on something all day to the point where I pick a fight with him about it later. Really unhealthy behavior. Aside from that, it also makes me really worried about where these feelings and fears are coming from, and if any of them are legitimate. 

I should add that prior to this I usually didn't have dreams that I remembered — once a week, maybe. Now it's three to four times a week at least. And most focus on him or people I know through him. I was also never the person who had great dreams to begin with — no sitting on the beach drinking coronas in my REM cycle! They are always a little bizarre or action packed — just for some background.

So my question is: what does all of this mean? Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to stop it? I'm tired of waking up with a pit in my stomach and some nights I'm hesitant to fall asleep because of this! Thank you. 

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Silje Silje 3 years
You dream every night, several times per night, but for some reasons these ones stick with you through to your awakened state. I tend to remember nightmares "only", they make a lasting impression.  I don't think you should read too much into this, dreaming that he's an ex doesn't mean that your subconscious self wants him to be your ex or that you want to cheat on him or anything like that. Try telling him about your dreams when you've had them? Talk them out loud, "you know what, I had this really crazy nightmare" and just don't make too much out of it. Everyone has crazy dreams, I keep dreaming that I'm with my exes but have to break up with them because I'm really with my current boyfriend. Also, I dreamt that Stephen Fry (British National Treasure) was my boyfriend the other day. He's gay and more than twice my age so obviously that's not gonna happen. Relax. They're just dreams. Try and avoid making your normal, but wild imagination carry you off to unhappy places, even though I know it can be confusing at the time. See him for what he's doing instead of what not-him did in your dream. And have a happy life together :) 
henna-red henna-red 3 years
commitment phobia doesn't go away just because you commit....it can actually flare up at different times within a realtionship. I would guess that your dreams are a manifestation of your unease at doing something that you're afraid of.....living with your boyfriend. I would suggest doing some work on yourself to discover the roots of your phobia, and to find tools and solutions if you want to get past this unease. If you don't do something proactive, and just let it simmer and bubble under the surface, it can eventually ruin your relationship, not to mention the effect this negative dreaming will have on your health and state of mind. The dreams came with the relationship,your first really serious relationship, you have a fear of commitment, you worry about where these fears come from... So it's time to address the issues, to look for the source of the fears, and to do the healing work that you need to do to combat them. This is doable.....but it requires and active approach, not a passive one. Not addressing this means continuing to try to survive with this anxiety. Not a healthy or happy choice....I hope you choose to look for some help, a counselor/therapist who specializes in commitment issues, who can help you acquire the tools you need to move past this, so that you can enjoy every aspect of your relationship, and your conscious mind can stop releasing it's fears during your time of rest. That's one of the things that happens when we sleep, our fears and anxieties are freed from hiding, and come romping out to play. You're having a steady pattern, it's making you unhappy, so address it. I would guess that just taking steps to address your issue will relieve some of the anxiety...just a guess. good luck, sweet dreams
Aquadave Aquadave 3 years
IT happens! it's a few insecurities you have deep down, but nothing to worry about. I had a girlfriend wake up and got all mad because i was bad in her dream (sound familiar) we ended up laughing about and it happens to me sometimes too. the thing about love is you put all you securities in another person other than your self, and that is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Talk to him about it, let him know if he messes up your dreams again you'll kick his ass. LOL Seriously have a light hearted conversation with him. If they continue talk to someone that interprets dreams
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