Why Having Chemistry Can Actually Be Dangerous to a Relationship

Meet Brad. Brad is very attractive, he's confident, and he's a manipulative assh*le. No one likes Brad — but you. You both get along effortlessly, the sex is great, and you have an amazing connection. Ever dated a Brad? According to witty self-help book F*ck Love by Michael Bennett, MD, and his daughter Sarah Bennett, there's a reason many of us fall into a relationship with people like Brad: chemistry.

But chemistry is what you should look for in a partner! While that holds some truth, a potential partner shouldn't solely be chosen based on chemistry. In fact, it's how many people get sucked into a toxic relationship.

"In reality, chemistry, both scientific and interpersonal, is essential, dangerous, and made up of elements that can't be changed; it's something we can't ignore or do without," wrote Michael, a board-certified psychiatrist and APA Distinguished Fellow.

"What chemistry often does, however, is draw us to the wrong people, stir up our darker selves, and stop us from thinking rationally."

We hold onto those intense feelings because they're exhilarating, but we lose sight of what's acceptable and unacceptable from such a connection in the process. It's a matter of acknowledging the power of chemistry that he's describing and learning how to navigate it to attract the right kind of relationships.

"There's no point in having a relationship without chemistry, but there are many valid reasons for avoiding a relationship with chemistry, such as when it's with a jerk, makes you forget your values, or has no hope for improvement," F*ck Love says.

We often have the most intense chemistry with the worst people, which could be the reason many of us are attracted to the "bad boy" or "bad girl." According to the Bennetts, therapists say we fall into these traps when that person brings out the unrestrained side we're too afraid to tap into ourselves. They're exciting because they keep us on our toes. They're unpredictable, wild, overly passionate, and they often need us.

Having a strong physical connection can be even more dangerous because it involves actual chemicals like endorphins and hormones. You're relying on how your physical interactions make you feel rather than emotional compatibility. "Good sexual chemistry is like a drug that talks you into having one more hit."

To overcome this chase, F*ck Love says that you need realize that "special attention" and "romance" aren't more important than a meaningful partnership and family. But don't misinterpret that to mean that you should settle. You can still be in a healthy relationship with intense attraction and compatibility. The reason we often end this kind of relationship, however, is when it becomes stagnant and routine — aka boring. You get restless and look for the next exciting thing. But every couple will eventually reach a comfortable phase. It's completely fine to move on if you truly don't believe he or she is the right fit, but not wanting to put in the effort to make things exciting again is not a valid reason.

According to the book, the five things to look for in a partner are: mutual attraction, mutual respect, shared effort, common interests, and common goals. Note that each of these criteria involve both parties of the relationship ("mutual," "common"). Unhealthy relationships are typically led by a single person who dominates the entire partnership. They're also ones that are most intriguing because we're not in control.

But that's no excuse to go date Brad. Nobody should date Brad.