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Why Did He Disappear?

"Why Has He Disappeared?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am writing to ask for opinions and maybe explanations on why men disappear. I am not seeking advice such as "move on" and "he doesn’t deserve you," I know that I have to and I am, but I feel that I need some clarity in order to reach closure.

To make a long story short, this man that I met, he was everything that I wanted. I thought the world of him. He was interesting, funny, smart, charming and most importantly we had so much chemistry. For three months I felt like I was on a dream trip. Every date had the excitement of a first date, every encounter had great meaning to me. But I could feel that when we were not together he was not much into me (doesn't call much, doesn't text) but I know that he liked me and made the effort to make me happy. In return, I started to give him more and more space. First because I felt that he needed it and second because I also had my pride to protect. We had a talk about long term serious relationships and he, at times, sounded like he was in and other times he was not. I could tell clearly that he was not ready for commitment. On my birthday he prepared for a nice surprise, but I could feel things were cooling down. Just as I was leaving the car as he was dropping me off after my birthday party I could feel that he got too emotional as if it was the last time he would see me. I saw him again one time and then I decided to stop calling him or initiating any plans and wait for his calls. He did not call for three weeks. On his birthday I decided to write to him, just a simple message to wish him happy birthday and he never replied back.

My mind needs to stop thinking about the reasons. Why would a man disappear like this? Why wouldn't he reply to a simple birthday message when we never had a fight? Options are he is 1) pissed off 'cause maybe he expected more on his birthday; 2) he doesn't care anymore; 3) he wanted me to hate him and move on (knowing him he is not the most thoughtful person). The relationship lasted for four months.

Need to understand please.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 4 years
You can never have closure as no one is a mind reader, and only he can tell you why. One can only speculate, and the options are endles. But that facs are, he didnt want you, and that you have no influence on his thoughts. Chin up darling. He wasnt worth it anyway :)
jaan_black jaan_black 4 years
this is an easy one: his actual girlfriend came back into the picture OR she never left...
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
In three months you don't know a person. Plus a lot of guys do that. There's no break up conversation. They would rather die for some reason than be a mature person and talk about it. The only thing I can say is when a woman breaks up with a guy, they practically demand an explanation and stalk them for the reason. Maybe he'll get a taste of his own medicine someday. At least he never lied, and he ended it early on. You have to give him that. It's hard to hear but he probably liked you but not the same way you felt about him. You thought you were on a dream trip but he just wasn't feeling the same and he tried to tell you by not calling when he should have been. He was giving you a pretty big hint but instead of asking him about it you gave him space instead which let him off the hook completely. Besides in three months who knows what situation he was in emotionally. Ex girlfriend? Money? Family issues? Job? Other woman? Previously married? Children? Pretty soon you won't remember his last name anymore or care when you run into him sometime.
sagagirl sagagirl 4 years
1.  He was seeing someone else at the same time and they decided to get more serious. 2.  He is in prison 3.  or the one I believe applies here, he was not that into you; but he did not have the nerve to tell you he was no longer interested, so he just disappeared.  This something that some men or should I day boys do.    
lamarun lamarun 4 years
He doesn't want to be with you and didn't want to have a big conversation about it. It doesn't seem he was all that interested given the signs you pointed out, and he'd rather avoid a confrontation. It's easier to disappear. Simple as that.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
What Henna said -- great advice! :)
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Darlin', I also want to say to you that you're focus on understanding why so that you can have closure is an excuse to dwell on this guy whom you felt was so "perfect" for you and that you wanted to keep. "Closure" is something you achieve by doing all of the things you need to do for yourself, and understanding why a guy does this kind of thing is more about protecting yourself from repeating the experience. I guess I'm saying that understanding why he did this isn't going to help you fell better, but recognizing this behavior will help you to protect yourself in the future. The fact that he didn't stay in contact with you in between dates and times together tells you that he isn't serious about a relationship. I think his behavior told you the truth, but you preferred the words that said what you wanted to hear. As Bubbles says, the words only matter when the actions match. I'm glad for you if you are moving on, and I hope you'll learn to recognize this pattern again before you give your heart to someone who's only looking for the short term. It's so easy to want what you can't have, but learning to want what you can have is a real life skill, and learning how to recognize the difference between the two is a secret to happiness and success in personal relationships. Best of luck in your moving on, and in your future relationships. Take care
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Actually what you're asking for is the answer to 90% of Group Therapy questions. A lot of women don't get the game rules. An important thing for all women who date men to understand is that men REALLY are different. But one thing both men and women share in romance is we like to win -- but in different ways. A major generalization with a lot of truth: men get a sense of accomplishment by winning sex from women. Women win by getting a man to emotionally bond and become dependent upon them too (I won't call it love, that's part of the confusion). Both sexes get a sense of accomplishment from having the opposite sex chase after them. And roles can be switched. A lot of the above is going to happen at the expense of other's feelings -- male and female. And of course love can happen in the middle of all of that too. A man jumping from woman to woman, leaving one unexpectedly behind, isn't necessarily a broken childhood, his confusion, or fear of real love. It's a guy checking out the boundaries of who and what he can get in the world of women with the goal of getting the best he can (or simply the most he can). That's a huge part of their ego. It's really tough to be involved with them during that stage. On top of that men don't have the strong desire to talk things over to 'process', understand, convince and share like we do. They think or react -- and then act oftentimes with zero explanation. That's where the it can get really painful for we women. Feelings and actions don't often match because both can change instantaneously. So believe how they act. I don't mean believe what they say unless their words and actions match. When in doubt what he really feels, watch his actions and believe what you see. And protect yourself accordingly. Trying to understand why he is reacting that way with friends and without a direct conversation isn't helpful. Only he knows and we women tend to project our values on them. To make it complicated women tend to spend a lot of time excusing the people in our lives for poor behavior and hang in there when we shouldn't. Like it's our job to help him grow. That impulse should be reserved for children. "Oh he is acting that way because of a tough childhood" "He needs me to be there so he can learn I'm _the one_ he can trust". It's kind of a female macho -- my love will cure him where others have failed. We're raised to take care of people and to make them feel better. Not all of us learn when and where that's appropriate. So it's a dangerous thing in dating if we didn't learn to stop giving when someone is hurting us or is clearly showing that they don't care about us anymore. Feelings and actions can change -- in a minute. The man you want to partner with is the one who is there when feelings change, or it isn't easy to act in a way he doesn't feel. He sees the bigger picture and works to protect it. When a man is in that stage, its clear too.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I think that most men don't want to upset women they've dated or hurt their feelings. even if they realize they no longer want to date someone, they don't want to be the "bad guy." By disappearing, they never have to break up with the other person, and I think most men are more comfortable not having a confrontation. You have just learned that this man is something of a coward.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Though I'm no expert, I think that men often disappear because they are "just not that into you" but are too immature to do the right thing and actually tell you. Men like that are emotionally unavailable and selfish and have little regard for other's feelings. Perhaps they disappear because, again, they are just not that into you, but are so afraid of hurting your feelings that they simply disappear. Again, immature. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is always the same. They have some unknown reason for not wanting to be in a relationship with you and are too stupid to bother informing you of this. I'm sorry it happened to you, wishing you luck as you move forward.
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