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Why Do I Attract Unavailable Men

Group Therapy: Why Do I Only Attract Unavailable Men?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Let me start by saying I am not a flirt. At all. For some reason, which I am oblivious to, taken men seem to approach me a lot more often then single guys. I have never acted on anything with a taken man and never will — and I certainly don't encourage their attention.

Many times, these guys continue to flirt or hit on me even after I tell them I'm not interested. On the flip side, available men don't seem to hit on me nearly as much. I'm not that girl that you want to sleep with but can't take home to mom, in fact I always considered myself the opposite, as I'm a bit of a prude and don't really give off a "fun" vibe.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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searching-soul searching-soul 4 years
OP At the end of the day does it really matter why you attract unavailable men? If you know you're not going to act on it then you should not worry about it. That's all that ultimately matters, your actions. Maybe your just really attractive, maybe your a challenge, maybe your flirty -maybe it's all or none of the above. Why try to decipher what's going on in other people's minds? All you can control are your actions and reactions. If you don't want drama,let these guys know and keep it moving. That's all you can really do.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
* I know this sounds stupid, but the boundaries are very fine. Sorry for the typos.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
OP, thanks for sharing. I work with men primarily, and over the course of my life have been hit on by many married guys. I didn't figure out why for a long time, questioned if I was giving out signals, etc, then finally realized one thing.... If a guy is interested in sleeping with you, married or not, he will take ANY kind of friendly interaction as sexual interest. If you smile, are pleasant, ask a generic question about his day, whatever, it is a green light to some of these guys. They are primed for it. It's like unless you tell them to their faces to fuck off, you are a possible go. This can be tricky, especially in a work environment. You have to find that balance between being polite but not too friendly, and being a cold fish. It is tricky, trust me. What I learned to do was to interact with quick small, short responses, limiting prolonged eye contact and practicing a quick courtesy smile. If someone came up to me that was married and more obviously flirting, I behave the same way, but throw in a few more glances around the room while he is talking to me, anything that shows polite disinterest. I would I know this sound stupid, but the boundaries are very fine. I also think you might come off as a bit of a challenge and some married guys hit on you to see if they still "got it". An ego thing.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
OP, thanks for sharing.I work with men primarily, and over the course of my life have been hit on by many married guys. I didn't figure out why for a long time, questioned if I was giving out signals, etc, then finally realized one thing....If a guy is interested in sleeping with you, married or not, he will take ANY kind of friendly interaction as sexual interest. If you smile, are pleasant, ask a generic question about his day, whatever, it is a green light to some of these guys. They are primed for it. It's like unless you tell them to their faces to fuck off, you are a possible go.This can be tricky, especially in a work environment. You have to find that balance between being polite but not too friendly, and being a cold fish. It is tricky, trust me. What I learned to do was to interact with quick small, short responses, limiting prolonged eye contact and practicing a quick courtesy smile. If someone came up to me that was married and more obviously flirting, I behave the same way, but throw in a few more glances around the room while he is talking to me, anything that shows polite disinterest. I would I know this sound stupid, but the boundaries are very fine.I also think you might come off as a bit of a challenge and some married guys hit on you to see if they still "got it". An ego thing.
looseseal looseseal 4 years
Aren't pretty much everyone's chances of being hit on by sleazebags much higher than having a single guy show attraction to you? It's simply because sleazebags will hit on anything with boobs (whether it is encouraged or not). Single guys are single because they're either confirmed bachelors not looking for a woman to marry, or they hardly ever make any moves on anyone (especially not on women who don't give them any encouragement!). The kind of guy who don't go around hitting on just anyone are the kind I'm most interested in! However, they do tend to require you to either make the first move or give a lot of green-light signals.
looseseal looseseal 4 years
Aren't pretty much everyone's chances of being hit on by sleazebags much higher than having a single guy show attraction to you? It's simply because sleazebags will hit on anything with boobs (whether it is encouraged or not). Single guys are single because they're either confirmed bachelors not looking for a woman to marry, or they hardly ever make any moves on anyone (especially not on women who don't give them any encouragement!).The kind of guy who don't go around hitting on just anyone are the kind I'm most interested in! However, they do tend to require you to either make the first move or give a lot of green-light signals.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 4 years
To be honest, perhaps creeps are just making it more obvious. I'm extremely oblivious to being flirted with, I always think people are just being friendly. The only times I notice is when guys are super cheesy and/or super creepy, and maybe taken guys are more like that? Just my theory.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 4 years
To be honest, perhaps creeps are just making it more obvious.I'm extremely oblivious to being flirted with, I always think people are just being friendly. The only times I notice is when guys are super cheesy and/or super creepy, and maybe taken guys are more like that? Just my theory.
GTCB GTCB 4 years
This is a very weird one. I find it hard to believe it's real.
Miss-Kaylie Miss-Kaylie 4 years
I think getting an honest opinion from a friend is an excellent suggestion. I might even take it a step further and suggest you do this with both a male friend and a female friend. Or you could even go the snarky route and straight up ask these fools who are taken and hitting on you. Something along the lines of "what the shit made you think I'm interested?" might be blunt enough to catch them off-guard and tell you, or failing that, might actually work at making them leave you alone.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Maybe you come across differently than you think. We all have blind spots. Ask a friend what he or she sees you doing wrong when it comes to attracting men.
Pistil Pistil 4 years
Maybe they see you as a challenge? You can only do so much to control the kind of men who approach you. You can, however, control who you approach. If you're looking for a nice single guy, don't rely on them to seek you out. The nice single guy is probably less likely to be as persistent and creepy as the cheating scumbag. Just ignore those ones.
Pistil Pistil 4 years
Maybe they see you as a challenge?You can only do so much to control the kind of men who approach you. You can, however, control who you approach. If you're looking for a nice single guy, don't rely on them to seek you out. The nice single guy is probably less likely to be as persistent and creepy as the cheating scumbag. Just ignore those ones.
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