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Why Don't I Want to Have Sex

Group Therapy: Why Don't I Want Sex?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I don't want it often. Maybe, every few weeks, I'll want it a fair amount, about 2-3 times a week. But, then . . . I don't want it again. It can be up to about a month where I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend. We've been together for 6 years. We love each other so much. He gets frustrated when I hit my not-turned-on patch, and I hate rejecting him, and I know it hurts him. Emotionally . . . everything is amazing. Sexually, we've always had some difficulty.

Sometimes it hurts when we have sex, due to me being too tight. Believe me, we've tried everything. Apparently that won't be fixed until after I have kids, according to my gynecologist, which I can deal with. Sex is OK,  but foreplay is amazing. We both agree on that topic. So, there's no loss there.

Get the rest after the jump!

The main issue is me not wanting it enough. And I believe that my sexual appetite isn't normal. To want it a few weeks in a row, but then for it to fall away almost completely . . . is insane. I've spoken to my doctor about it. They can't figure out what it is. My hormones are fine. I used to suffer depression, but I don't anymore. I feel happy, and content . . . except disappointing my partner is so mean, and I feel guilty about it.

I just, I don't know what to do. I want to change. He wants sex all the time. But eventually, he stops initiating anything for a bit because he doesn't want to get rejected. I totally understand this. We love each other so much. We are soul mates. He even wants to marry me as soon as we have enough money and graduate. We are young. I'm 24 this year, and he's 23. We've been together since we were 17. We were each other's firsts. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

So . . . any idea why I don't want it in blocks? It seems to always be right after my period. Or at least that's the trend I've noticed. Just a bit of advice, or . . . something would be great.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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honduranpoet honduranpoet 5 years
Well when your doctor told you that foreplay is a big key..He/she is right. One thing I always say about sex is, know your body. Know what turns you on and gets you to that peak. Show him what turns you on, because you can be with someone for years and still not know what brings them to that point especially a female. It takes us longer to get to that moment. If your body is at it's normal rate, and your doctor said that everything seems to be fine, then its your mental view on how your approaching sex. Remember it's not just a physical thing it's an emotional thing. Hey if you have to make the day special or spontaneous remember that it's for the both of you, and sorry to be so blunt but you don't want that to be an issue. You guys have been together for a long time and it seems like he has been patient, but that runs out. So before it gets to a point of no return. Get into it sweetie and make it exciting...blessings to you and your.
lanwa lanwa 5 years
The newness has worn off, and I'm sorry "soulmates"? at 23 or even 30...puleez!!. you won't even dig the same cereal you like now in 10 years sweetie and that's life that "Romeo/Juliet" thing was realistic for teens when we only lived to be 43, not nowadays when we live into our 100's- and 80 years of picking up socks and dirty underwear is a looong time, trust me. Find a compromise that you both can deal with(he's young and horny- you'll catch up when you're with the next guy!). good luck.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I went through that when I was married, after we'd been married for awhile. I never knew why either, but my husband was definitely frustrated with me. He also wanted it all the time. We split for other reasons, but that was definitely an issue right up until the end. I don't have an answer, but I do sympathize. Good luck.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I went through this slump with my ex, I think it can happen when stress piles up. The Pill was the turning point for me, it messed up my hormones bad. Once my drive came back (6 months after stopping the Pill entirely), he stopped initiating. We weren't spending much quality time together, so that didn't help. With the IUD, do you ovulate? That could be why you're only up for it around one time of the month, I'm the same way.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I went through this slump with my ex, I think it can happen when stress piles up. The Pill was the turning point for me, it messed up my hormones bad. Once my drive came back (6 months after stopping the Pill entirely), he stopped initiating. We weren't spending much quality time together, so that didn't help. With the IUD, do you ovulate? That could be why you're only up for it around one time of the month, I'm the same way.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
PS: I'll add that it's also got to do with times of day. I'm much more sexual in the morning, so if we're on the same schedule, we get to do it more often. Maybe you should try and amalyze your rhythms, you may be surprised to find out you get horny at 2PM and trying to have sex at 9 when all desire is gone.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
I've got the same sort of problem, and I've ended up noticing it's got to do with my cycle. I get really horny at the end of my cycle and during my period, and the first week after that, I don't really like being touched at all. I didn't use to be this way; when we first started dating 5 years ago, I was all over him several times a day. I understand what you're going through because I've been feeling very guilty about my lack of sexual desire for him; but in the past few months it's gotten better, and don't tell anyone, but I sometimes go online and read erotic stories, which end up turning me on - and who do you think benefits from that a half hour later?...
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
maybe you aren't that into your partner sexually. i know you love him, and that you feel emotionally bonded to him. but thats not the same thing.the thing that makes me suggest this is that you want sex, but then you get your fill. sex is a biological thing, like a need. so its as if you get what you have to have biologically, and then you're done. also, you say that sex has always had issues for the 2 of you.sex is a BAD area of a relationship to have issues. and you take to bed every past experience you've had (as you probably realize), so now you are in the position of expecting problems. like a snowball, it just gets bigger.there's no easy answer here, this has been going on for 6 years. are both of you willing to live a life without fulfilling sex?
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
maybe you aren't that into your partner sexually. i know you love him, and that you feel emotionally bonded to him. but thats not the same thing. the thing that makes me suggest this is that you want sex, but then you get your fill. sex is a biological thing, like a need. so its as if you get what you have to have biologically, and then you're done. also, you say that sex has always had issues for the 2 of you. sex is a BAD area of a relationship to have issues. and you take to bed every past experience you've had (as you probably realize), so now you are in the position of expecting problems. like a snowball, it just gets bigger. there's no easy answer here, this has been going on for 6 years. are both of you willing to live a life without fulfilling sex?
alitab alitab 5 years
I have the same problem, and I don't think it's a good idea to force yourself to do it. It can deeply affect the love and respect you feel for your partner, because the sexual repulsion starts to be emotionally related to him, and you don't want that, trust me. I've suffered with this problem for three years now, and it's even worse. I've spent already four months without wanting sex. My boyfriend and I are great and together for five years. I never had to force myself to sex.
Lenay Lenay 5 years
It's hard to tell what all of the variances are that effect libido. (Since your sex drive dips after your period, perhaps you still feel a little bloated or crampy. Midol could help with that.)Truthfully, I had almost no sex drive at all until a couple of years ago. Then it hit me smack between the eyes and kept me up at night! It is SO true that women peak later than men.
Lenay Lenay 5 years
It's hard to tell what all of the variances are that effect libido. (Since your sex drive dips after your period, perhaps you still feel a little bloated or crampy. Midol could help with that.) Truthfully, I had almost no sex drive at all until a couple of years ago. Then it hit me smack between the eyes and kept me up at night! It is SO true that women peak later than men.
Maddiexox Maddiexox 5 years
Wow. What a response. I think the music/wine... relaxing stuff is a good idea. Once a week for 'US' time sort of thing. We don't really do that anymore... I'm sure he misses it. I have an IUD without hormones, so it's not that. It was worse when I was on regular birth control.I also know that women don't hit their peak till 30, whilst guys are at their peak at around 18-25 or something. Don't quote me on it :P But yeah.I think we just need to take the time to enjoy each other. Like I said, if it's a bit romantic and I'm not in the mood to start with, the romantic stuff helps. Then when I am in the mood, it's more love/animalistic. Thanks guys. I think I personally just need to be more proactive and also more present physically/sexually in my relationship.I am healthy as... I work out 5 times a week, and am also a cheerleader. Believe me, I'm at peak fitness :)Thanks again guys!
Maddiexox Maddiexox 5 years
Wow. What a response. I think the music/wine... relaxing stuff is a good idea. Once a week for 'US' time sort of thing. We don't really do that anymore... I'm sure he misses it. I have an IUD without hormones, so it's not that. It was worse when I was on regular birth control. I also know that women don't hit their peak till 30, whilst guys are at their peak at around 18-25 or something. Don't quote me on it :P But yeah. I think we just need to take the time to enjoy each other. Like I said, if it's a bit romantic and I'm not in the mood to start with, the romantic stuff helps. Then when I am in the mood, it's more love/animalistic. Thanks guys. I think I personally just need to be more proactive and also more present physically/sexually in my relationship. I am healthy as... I work out 5 times a week, and am also a cheerleader. Believe me, I'm at peak fitness :) Thanks again guys!
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Do NOT fake it! If you aren't feeling sexual, don't be sexual. There's a lot more to a longterm relationship than sex, and celebrating those parts of your relationship is important, which you can't do if you're making yourself feel bad about not making sex a big enough deal. After I became disabled and before I figured out how to manage it, I could only have sex every few months. I would have weeks on end where sex felt gross & creepy & forced because I just had zero sex drive. Over the years, I've had numerous talks with my hubby about the whole thing and he would always prefer that I just be nonsexual than have sex to try and make him feel better. It may seem "giving" of me to have sex when it wasn't enjoyable, but really it made my hubby feel terrible for being even an indirect party to making me feel like he needed the sex more than he needed me & my honesty. No one likes having sex with a "dead fish" or a faker, especially if you care about the person. My libido has returned as I've gained greater control over my health & gotten off all the damn meds they had me on back then, but it's still not like I'm the nympho I was when I was 22. However, women don't hit their sexual peak until their mid-30's, so there's still plenty of time to get that spark back when the hormones finish shifting around. Same thing could happen for you. Work on keeping yourself healthy - physically and psychologically - and the libido will come.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Do NOT fake it! If you aren't feeling sexual, don't be sexual. There's a lot more to a longterm relationship than sex, and celebrating those parts of your relationship is important, which you can't do if you're making yourself feel bad about not making sex a big enough deal. After I became disabled and before I figured out how to manage it, I could only have sex every few months. I would have weeks on end where sex felt gross & creepy & forced because I just had zero sex drive. Over the years, I've had numerous talks with my hubby about the whole thing and he would always prefer that I just be nonsexual than have sex to try and make him feel better. It may seem "giving" of me to have sex when it wasn't enjoyable, but really it made my hubby feel terrible for being even an indirect party to making me feel like he needed the sex more than he needed me & my honesty. No one likes having sex with a "dead fish" or a faker, especially if you care about the person. My libido has returned as I've gained greater control over my health & gotten off all the damn meds they had me on back then, but it's still not like I'm the nympho I was when I was 22. However, women don't hit their sexual peak until their mid-30's, so there's still plenty of time to get that spark back when the hormones finish shifting around. Same thing could happen for you. Work on keeping yourself healthy - physically and psychologically - and the libido will come.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Expecting yourself to get turned on at regular intervals like an alarm clock is unrealistic. It's not like hunger pangs. Feminine arousal requires a non biological impetus to start it off.If you are all buddy buddy with your guy, just hanging out, and then you sort of end up naked together with him turned on, you're sure to have boring, hydraulic-style sex. More like drilling for oil than anything meaningful or even interesting. After several such episodes the whole endeavor turns into work.There are remedies, but they require a lot of introspection, selfishness, and the willingness to look like a freak to the one person who matters most to you in the whole world. Few go there because it's just easier and more comfortable to fake it until he gives up asking.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Expecting yourself to get turned on at regular intervals like an alarm clock is unrealistic. It's not like hunger pangs. Feminine arousal requires a non biological impetus to start it off. If you are all buddy buddy with your guy, just hanging out, and then you sort of end up naked together with him turned on, you're sure to have boring, hydraulic-style sex. More like drilling for oil than anything meaningful or even interesting. After several such episodes the whole endeavor turns into work. There are remedies, but they require a lot of introspection, selfishness, and the willingness to look like a freak to the one person who matters most to you in the whole world. Few go there because it's just easier and more comfortable to fake it until he gives up asking.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 5 years
"That concept feels really odd to me. It's like, I'm just having sex with him because I have to not cause I want to."Think of it as having sex with him as a pure expression of love, not an expression of desire. I was on medication once that absolutely destroyed my sex drive, and I still had regular sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time that I saw sex as a true expression of love, rather than satisfying my own desires. It was so lovely in it's own way. It helped that I made an effort to initiate, so it didn't feel as much like I was acting/responding to him. Another option is to get him off with your hand once a week or something else that makes you intimate but that doesn't involve actual intercourse.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 5 years
"That concept feels really odd to me. It's like, I'm just having sex with him because I have to not cause I want to." Think of it as having sex with him as a pure expression of love, not an expression of desire. I was on medication once that absolutely destroyed my sex drive, and I still had regular sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time that I saw sex as a true expression of love, rather than satisfying my own desires. It was so lovely in it's own way. It helped that I made an effort to initiate, so it didn't feel as much like I was acting/responding to him. Another option is to get him off with your hand once a week or something else that makes you intimate but that doesn't involve actual intercourse.
Life-Is-Never-Enough Life-Is-Never-Enough 5 years
I see, you are in a difficult position. I know you want to see him happy and satisfied right? Why not just at least, give him once a week til you are ready to give your all to him? Or maybe get some wine to loose yourself up, turn on music, or just something like that to warm up your mood. It happens to me like that when I want to have sex but not in the mood, so I drink some wine, and pillow talk in naked til I feel something heat going on, then bam! So, try to do something like that once a week, he will be appreciated with your best and thoughtful.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
What birth control are you on (if any)? I tried the shot and the regular dose pill and both killed my sex drive... I'm on the low-dose now and it doesn't effect my sex drive at all.Are you okay with him masturbating? As long as you don't give him a hard time about it your relationship sounds solid enough to last.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
What birth control are you on (if any)? I tried the shot and the regular dose pill and both killed my sex drive... I'm on the low-dose now and it doesn't effect my sex drive at all. Are you okay with him masturbating? As long as you don't give him a hard time about it your relationship sounds solid enough to last.
Maddiexox Maddiexox 5 years
You see, my partner can tell when I'm not into it. He doesn't want me having sex or going through with something when I'm just not in the mood. Also, he doesn't want to always have to initiate. Which, is what happens when I'm not in the mood. I do get aroused sometimes, when I wasn't in the mood originally. But, then there's other times I don't. I also don't feel right about having sex or doing anything, if I don't want to. That concept feels really odd to me. It's like, I'm just having sex with him because I have to not cause I want to. If that makes ANY sense. Thanks for your response though :)
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