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Why Should I Settle For Him?

"Why Should I Settle?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So this is going to be sort of a rant. It's not really a question — I'm more just looking for advice or reassurance. I have a boyfriend of over 2 1/2 years and things are going downhill. I think that he would rather be without me and I think he doesn't really remember me when I'm not around. As soon as he's with his friends, I disappear. He doesn't call or text me when he's with his friends and I don't hear from him all day, but if he doesn't hear from me for an hour, he freaks out. I want a guy who's proud of me, who wants to show me off. I want to meet someone who makes me laugh and is just a positive aspect of my life. I want someone who calls me to say, "I love you" just because he was thinking about me. If I'm not getting that, then why would I be with anyone right now? Why would I settle? Why would I stay with a guy who used to be my prince charming but has since become more of a frustration and constant source of disappointment?

I can't remember the last time he did something for me. I can't remember the last time he made me feel like a princess. I think that he would much rather have a single life in the frat house (Where he lives. Yes, I hate it, but I didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend who told him not to live there), but for some reason he won't let go. We both know it's not because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, he's broken my heart enough times and acknowledged that he has in fact hurt me constantly. Is it because he's afraid of being alone? I know that he doesn’t have anyone other than me to talk about his problems. He doesn’t have anyone else to call the morning after a party, he only has people to call the night of the party. I want to be the girl he calls that night and wakes up next to that morning. I need to stop being there for him on demand and disappear when he's done with me. He doesn't have a car and I do. He lives in the city and I live an hour away, but go to school in the city so I am constantly commuting. Whenever he needs a ride, I go get him. Whenever he wants to see me, I go to the city. If he needs an errand run, I'm the one who does it. I'm so sick of being ashamed of and brought down.

I'm only 19 and I'm in university. If I'm with a guy, shouldn’t it just be fun, passionate, silly, and crazy? I don’t want any of this nonsense. I want to either be single and have the time of my life with my friends, or be in a relationship full of lust, love, and innocence. I've never been the kind of girl who goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. He was my first everything and I am completely in love with him, but why should I lose respect for myself by allowing him to treat me poorly? I constantly say that I'm no longer the girl to get walked all over, pushed around and brought down, but that I am worth everything that I want. Yes, I'm aware I'm going to have to go through a few losers to find my guy, but it will happen no matter how many times I feel like I need him or like I'm willing to settle because I miss him.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 3 years
Why do you allow this? Do you really think that you can't do better then him? You must know better, girl, for start, go out with your girlfriends and forget about him. I wonder what would happen if you stopped giving him rides and hanging around to hear his fraternity stories...?
dikke-kus dikke-kus 3 years
Well, since you guys are in college and only 19, things can go either good or not! The future is hard to see. You can hang in there and get married - maybe. Some of my friends in college did that. Although a couple of my friends who had doting boyfriends wound up living together - even that was no guarantee and sadly they still broke up after three or four years of college. Also no engagement rings came into the picture. What a waste of four years. This stuff about the car worries me a little in your story. That would be pretty pathetic if he was using you for that. That means as soon as he gets one, he would leave you and get a new girlfriend the first chance he gets and believe me, based on his maturity level, that's possible. About the only thing you can do, is make things right and set the tone for what it should be. He's supposed to be a friend and help you out and be there for you. Seems like your his mommy, coming around and helping him travel, nursing his hangovers? Listening to his stories about the evening that you weren't a part of? Excuse me? Please. Maybe you should give him a break and go out with your friends. Meet a nice senior who's got his act together and has something better to do than frat parties. Maybe he'll pick you up in HIS car for a date? Just a thought becuase there's wide world out there and your world seems pretty small right now.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I don't mean to excuse his behavior, because he is being a jerk, but having lived through the whole "try to have a relationship while in full-on college party mode" thing, it's really hard to build a good, solid relationship when you're young and carefree and wanting to experience all that college has to offer. It sounds like he may be the more carefree one here, and is taking advantage of you and your car and your sweet, compliant girlfriend status. Now is the time to step up and lay it out for him. As stated above, let him know everything you just said here. He may be so self-absorbed that he doesn't even realize how hurt you are. It could be the wake up call he needs. He might also decide that the partying and the frat brothers are more important to him right now and maybe you will go your separate ways. Either way, it's ok for you to stand up for what you deserve and you shouldn't have to be anybody's door mat. Good luck.
Sherrilee Sherrilee 3 years
I agree with all the above. You answered your own questions. Let him go. You're too young. have fun with friends, don't get serious for a while and find somebody who cares.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years
You 'asked' why he won't let go, sure emotional entanglement aside....here's another reason he's not letting go based on what you posted: " He doesnt have a car and I do. He lives in the city and I live an hour away, but go to school in the city so am constantly commuting. Whenever he needs a ride I go get him, whenever he wants to see me I go to the city, if he needs an errand run I'm the one who does it." You're his personal chauffeur-personal assistant rolled into 1, and you're free too. I'm also going to bet that you're giving him sex too? Or some sexual gratification when you can. It's hard for him to lose that comfort, having someone who loves him at his beck and call, someone whom he's mistreated repeatedly, but would keep doing everything she could (losing her self-respect in process) for him. I definitely can see why he calls (he needs something from you). Your story is similar to my roomie in college, her bf ended up like yours too, and they broke up. It's so sad because from what she told me, they're each other's first. He was so involved in the frat-lifestyle, and she was working hard because she wanted to keep her athletic scholarship and couldn't come and party with him and his frat boys. And then being that he's a young guy who wants to enjoy his new lifestyle...he was inconsiderate too and only remembered her when he wanted something (sex being one of them). Don't worry about her, she bounced back/moved on though, so would you when you're ready. It's always tough to break up, but listen to your head this time. You're young, you'll learn something from this. Good luck.
bluejay17 bluejay17 3 years
I would write all of this down and I would give it to him. Just like it is. Make him know exactly how you feel. And then, I would let him go. You're too young to be settling like this. Move on. It won't be easy, but it'll be the best. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
You have the questions. You have the answers. You have the intelligence and the awareness and the desire...... Why should you settle?
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