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Why Won't Boyfriend Have Sex With Me?

Group Therapy: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I moved in together two months ago. It's been great — we are more emotionally attached than ever before, and we are loving living together. But whenever I try to get him "turned on" he always changes the subject or says he's not in the mood. It's now been four months since we've had sex.

Here is where I am confused. We've been dating for 10 months total, and sex for the first 1-6 months was GREAT. But for the last four months he would be more than happy to sexually please me but he won't let me do anything to sexually please him, and we definitely won't have sex.

When I talk to him about it he says that he hasn't "needed sex" and that it has nothing to do with me. He admits that he is still very attracted to me, despite his lack of lust for me. This situation, for one, makes me feel like I am not attractive, and secondly, I feel horrible because he refused to have sex with me even though he would still be willing to "please" me in place of having sex.

I don't know what to do about this. I have tried explaining how I feel about not having sex for the last four months but nothing seems to change the situation. I end up making him feel bad, and I leave the conversation feeling worse. This is really hurting me and I am afraid that it is going to hurt our relationship. Actually, I know that if things continue the way that they are now, this will definitely hurt our relationship. I can only put up with his lack of a sexual appetite so much.

Any suggestions as to what I should do in this situation?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
He WANTS to please her. She's not ugly if he's still happy to be with her and make her happy. Whatever his problem is, it's personal.I think, that it's an issue he needs to deal with on his own, something he's not telling you. Maybe he's just not comfortable telling you yet, and I have to agree with kurmia. The only way you're going to get it out of him is to make him comfortable enough to tell you. Don't push him, because it will only agitate him and keep him from telling you anything. Be nurturing and loving of him, and do things for him to assure him that you're only there to help. Be that best friend he wanted when he asked you to be his girl. Once he can see that you're understanding enough of him, he'll share with you. But you have to be patient, and really love on him in a way that shows he can trust you.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
He WANTS to please her. She's not ugly if he's still happy to be with her and make her happy. Whatever his problem is, it's personal. I think, that it's an issue he needs to deal with on his own, something he's not telling you. Maybe he's just not comfortable telling you yet, and I have to agree with kurmia. The only way you're going to get it out of him is to make him comfortable enough to tell you. Don't push him, because it will only agitate him and keep him from telling you anything. Be nurturing and loving of him, and do things for him to assure him that you're only there to help. Be that best friend he wanted when he asked you to be his girl. Once he can see that you're understanding enough of him, he'll share with you. But you have to be patient, and really love on him in a way that shows he can trust you.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 4 years
I see your point regarding Joe's comment Raynne and sensitivity is something to consider. Like my momma use to say it's not what you say it's how you say it. However the content of what Joe is saying simply can not be ignored when those issues could very well be the issue for this man. It does not make it the woman's fault. Is it possible she would feel to blame although it is not her fault yes but that's a totally separate issue. This mans issue is that he is totally impotent to resolve his issue within him self and as a consequence is hurting his loved one and neglecting his relationship with this woman. She needs to slap him out of it and get some answers and if she doesn't get that my advice would be to leave a relationship that is ill with no interest on his part to make things better.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I just get tired of every time someone comes on here asking why their significant other is no longer interested in sex, the first thing asked is if they've let themselves go, gained weight, gotten ugly, whatever. They are already upset that the person doesn't seem sexually attracted to them, they don't need people suggesting, first thing, that it's their fault because they're no longer attractive.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
<i>"And ignore Joe's #1, please. He's sometimes an @ss.</i>Another example of a woman refusing to see things from a guy's point of view. People who only have one-way vision deserve to break up.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
"And ignore Joe's #1, please. He's sometimes an @ss. Another example of a woman refusing to see things from a guy's point of view. People who only have one-way vision deserve to break up.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 4 years
I agree with all of the previous comments that there is something going on unspoken on his part. He is going through something. Judging by his inaction to resolve the issue over months it's safe to say it has consumed him. He's gonna need a jolt to snap him out of it. You have nothing to lose. The status quo will only get you a slow slide down hill and prolonged pain. My advice is to seek professional advise on how to approach him to get him to come around and open up.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
There's something going on here, and it's not just the absence of sex. He is hiding something from you and unless you can openly communicate with him about what it is this will probably lead to the end of your relationship. I agree with all of the other posters as to what he could be hiding, or it could just be a reaction to something in your relationship. 6 months is pretty soon to move in together, that alone could be enough to make him stressed out. Good luck getting the the bottom of it!
Skillgirl Skillgirl 4 years
I'm sorry to say that, maybe his comment that he hasn't "needed sex" means he's been getting it somewhere else. Some guys who cheat start forming a bond with that girl and having sex with you would be like cheating on her. If this isn't the case than he is hiding something else. Whether he needs sex or not, he should be happy to have your hands on him pleasing him either orally or through sex. Not wanting you to touch him is very suspicious. Like kurniakasih said above, he may have an std and has some sort of outbreak. Or he could just have lost interested in you sexually. None of this is your fault, but unfortunately it's your problem if you want to continue the relationship.Before you try to get him to have a serious talk about it, try seducing him. Wear something sexy, try dirty talk, ask him about fantasies, slowly start to caress and rub his body to see if he gets turned on. Try telling him how turned on you get by him. See if he gets into it. If he isn't even hard, then there is a need for a talk.
Skillgirl Skillgirl 4 years
I'm sorry to say that, maybe his comment that he hasn't "needed sex" means he's been getting it somewhere else. Some guys who cheat start forming a bond with that girl and having sex with you would be like cheating on her. If this isn't the case than he is hiding something else. Whether he needs sex or not, he should be happy to have your hands on him pleasing him either orally or through sex. Not wanting you to touch him is very suspicious. Like kurniakasih said above, he may have an std and has some sort of outbreak. Or he could just have lost interested in you sexually. None of this is your fault, but unfortunately it's your problem if you want to continue the relationship. Before you try to get him to have a serious talk about it, try seducing him. Wear something sexy, try dirty talk, ask him about fantasies, slowly start to caress and rub his body to see if he gets turned on. Try telling him how turned on you get by him. See if he gets into it. If he isn't even hard, then there is a need for a talk.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
You may not like what I'm about to say here, but here goes:Have you asked him in the past if he's been tested for STIs (whether curable or the more permanent kind) or for HIV?I know that's harsh, but there's that tiny possibility that he wouldn't let you touch him or pleasure him or even have sexual penetration with you based on the fact that he was just notified of something, 4 months ago. <--That's part of the worse things that can happen.Or he may also be experiencing ED at a young age (which is rather embarrassing when you're younger but there are pills now and he needs to feel that it's OK and it's not his fault and it doesn't make you less attracted just because he has ED, he just needs to go see a doctor and talk about his options--oh I know, easier in theory than reality).In order for him to really tell you what's going on in his mind, he needs to feel you're a 'safe' place to confide though, trying to get things out of him by telling him how bad things are making you feel will more likely push him away because he feels even guiltier. Try to take your mind off sex with him for awhile and observe how he reacts with you as a couple. Try to convince him that it's OK to confide in you, and you are trustworthy and you won't judge him if he does have ED or STI (as long as he's being treated for it).Another thing is perhaps you guys moved in way too soon, and you may want to take a step back (WITHOUT breaking up--unless you want to have a break up with him) and possibly push the relationship back to the dating again (instead of living together as a committed couple). If you found out that it may be an emotional hurdle.Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
You may not like what I'm about to say here, but here goes: Have you asked him in the past if he's been tested for STIs (whether curable or the more permanent kind) or for HIV? I know that's harsh, but there's that tiny possibility that he wouldn't let you touch him or pleasure him or even have sexual penetration with you based on the fact that he was just notified of something, 4 months ago. <--That's part of the worse things that can happen. Or he may also be experiencing ED at a young age (which is rather embarrassing when you're younger but there are pills now and he needs to feel that it's OK and it's not his fault and it doesn't make you less attracted just because he has ED, he just needs to go see a doctor and talk about his options--oh I know, easier in theory than reality). In order for him to really tell you what's going on in his mind, he needs to feel you're a 'safe' place to confide though, trying to get things out of him by telling him how bad things are making you feel will more likely push him away because he feels even guiltier. Try to take your mind off sex with him for awhile and observe how he reacts with you as a couple. Try to convince him that it's OK to confide in you, and you are trustworthy and you won't judge him if he does have ED or STI (as long as he's being treated for it). Another thing is perhaps you guys moved in way too soon, and you may want to take a step back (WITHOUT breaking up--unless you want to have a break up with him) and possibly push the relationship back to the dating again (instead of living together as a committed couple). If you found out that it may be an emotional hurdle. Good luck.
CupCakeDilemma CupCakeDilemma 4 years
My advice would be different if it had been slow from the start (as mine was), but yours is a different situation. For me, starting birth control got us up to 1 - 2 times a week.Is he depressed? Has your appearance changed (weight gain/loss)? I'll disagree with the last person who commented - it CAN play a role. He may well be saying it's not you when, if you've gained 20 pounds or something, it may be. Men have the tendency to either clam up about physical changes and not say anything, or be overly critical. If your appearance has changed, try to get it back to where it was. You moved in together recently, so maybe it's stress. Is he stressed about work? Depressed? Consider what variables may be at play here.Are there other problems in the relationship? Are you fighting?Is there a possibility that he has developed an erectile problem? Tell him that you would like to discuss the problem and you want to know what symptoms he's been experiencing. Does he have any desire? Has he lost interest in other hobbies? Print off symptoms of issues like depression for him to see.
CupCakeDilemma CupCakeDilemma 4 years
My advice would be different if it had been slow from the start (as mine was), but yours is a different situation. For me, starting birth control got us up to 1 - 2 times a week. Is he depressed? Has your appearance changed (weight gain/loss)? I'll disagree with the last person who commented - it CAN play a role. He may well be saying it's not you when, if you've gained 20 pounds or something, it may be. Men have the tendency to either clam up about physical changes and not say anything, or be overly critical. If your appearance has changed, try to get it back to where it was. You moved in together recently, so maybe it's stress. Is he stressed about work? Depressed? Consider what variables may be at play here. Are there other problems in the relationship? Are you fighting? Is there a possibility that he has developed an erectile problem? Tell him that you would like to discuss the problem and you want to know what symptoms he's been experiencing. Does he have any desire? Has he lost interest in other hobbies? Print off symptoms of issues like depression for him to see.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I have been having a similar problem with my boyfriend, and he finally broke down and told me the truth. That it has nothing to do with me. That he has been having problems working up an interest or motivation in anything. He loves basketball, yet he has even been having to MAKE himself go play. Which leads me to believe that he's having problems with depression. That might be what is wrong with your boyfriend as well.And ignore Joe's #1, please. He's sometimes an @ss.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I have been having a similar problem with my boyfriend, and he finally broke down and told me the truth. That it has nothing to do with me. That he has been having problems working up an interest or motivation in anything. He loves basketball, yet he has even been having to MAKE himself go play. Which leads me to believe that he's having problems with depression. That might be what is wrong with your boyfriend as well. And ignore Joe's #1, please. He's sometimes an @ss.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, three things.1. Have you gained weight or become physically unattractive in any way?2. Short-term. He may want to be satisfied sexually in ways that you do not know about. Feel free to ask for ideas. 3. Long-term. There may be other issues (problems) in the relationship that are totally unrelated to sex. You need to start finding out what is going on. Feel free to ask for ideas.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, three things. 1. Have you gained weight or become physically unattractive in any way? 2. Short-term. He may want to be satisfied sexually in ways that you do not know about. Feel free to ask for ideas. 3. Long-term. There may be other issues (problems) in the relationship that are totally unrelated to sex. You need to start finding out what is going on. Feel free to ask for ideas.
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