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Working Day and Night

Dear Sugar
I am married to a wonderful man, he is my Mr. Right but I do all of the cooking, 98% of the cleaning, all of the child raising, and work part-time. Everyday he comes home to a home cooked meal, to a clean house, and to a child that thinks he's a superhero. The rule at my house is if it hasn't been done, it's because I haven't done it yet.

Dishes not done, toilet not scrubbed, homework not handled, dog not walked, only because I haven't done it yet. Is this normal? I'm not even 30 but I feel like I am having a mid-"wife" crisis. Are there any men out there that cook a meal and wash a load? Most of the time I don't mind taking up the role of a house wife, but other times I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

I get up early every morning to get the kid off to school while he sleeps in late. I go to bed early so I can get up early, he stays up late then comes crashing into the bed, turning the lights on and making all sorts of noise in the middle of the night. Is this normal, or is my guy the jerk I think he is. Sick and Tired Sally

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

You certainly have your hands full don't you. Every family is different, and finding the right balance takes some trial and error, but you sound fed up. Before you got married, did you discuss your ideal family dynamic? Who was going to play what role so you could live happily ever after?

There are many men out there who do cook and clean, but it sounds like you automatically took the role as the caretaker, and your husband has gotten quite comfortable. Have you spoken up? Does he ever chip in around the house on the weekends? Do you ever have time for yourself or alone time with your husband?
Does he at least acknowledge everything you do to provide a nice home for the three of you?

Until you let him know you want help, chances are he won't take the initiative of picking up some of the slack. If you feel taken advantage of in your own home, something needs to change. Being a full time parent and wife, not to mention having a job outside the home is no small feat, so let yourself be heard and hopefully your husband will prove you wrong. Good luck.

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Daisy6264 Daisy6264 9 years
I would have a long talk with my husband.
kittycat kittycat 9 years
i think your husband is a selfish spoiled person. he probably grew up in the same environment where his family does all the things you are doing for him. you need to sit down and talk to him. split up the chores because you won't be able to keep up this routine much longer. family chores are to be performed by husband and wife. if he doesn't cook, he MUST do the dishes. there is no IFs or BUTs. he needs to show you some respect, no noise or light on when you sleep. you are too easy on him. if i were in your case he'd be sleeping on the couch...i wouldn't marry a man like that in the first place. if he doesn't want to help, tell him to get you a nanny
getstinko getstinko 9 years
I'm a man who has been happily married for 10 year. I am disgusted when I hear and see men who act like this. I am not allowed to do laundry because of a pink sock incident, but dinner, all cleaning, everything with the kids, everything else is shared if not in my court. Any man who defaults these tasks to his wife is a LAZYASS. Because a man is the breadwinner (as I am) does not mean he shouldn't share in the responsibilities at home (especially with the kids), and be respectful of his wife's needs (sleep, respect, freedom etc). You need to have a chat with your husband, his behavior is common, but not acceptable in this day and age. The disrespectful turning on lights, crashing into bed is just ignorant.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I think he's just used to you doing everything. Sometimes women want to do everything because they like the house cleaned their way when a guy might just do it to get the job done not to be perfectly clean and organized. But if you need his help you gotta speak up and also tell him he needs to be home early he's a father and both of you need to share that responsability. But do this when you're both calm not when you're angry at him because then it might just be a big fight and that won't solve anything.
liliblu liliblu 9 years
I grew up in a home where my parents shared the responsibilities. My father cooks. He may not cook as much as my mother but he doesn't mind preparing a meal. They often cook together. They have always shared the cleaning duties. The only thing my mother doesn't want my father to touch is the laundry. He's just not that good at it. But he's great at everything else. My mother will even help him with the yard work. My mother has always said that you start out the way plan to go on. My parents have always comprimised and shared the household duties. You have to speak up for yourself. I know you feel that he should notice that you could use some help. But people are good at ignoring or not noticing things they don't want to see.
Marci Marci 9 years
I think that sometimes we set ourselves up for this kind of exhaustion and resentment. When we first marry or move in together, we want to make everything really nice for the guy we love. We want to please them and make them love coming home so we take care of everything. A the years go by, the novelty of doing all that wears off, kids arrive, the workload gets bigger and bigger, but we keep doing it - with silent resentment. Unfortunately, the guys don't know that unless we tell them, and that usually happens in a fight; all the frustration comes out. I did everythign in my house, and still do about 60% of it, but it gets better and better. My boyfriend told me to just tell him what I'd like him to do and he's happy to do it. For awhile I got hung up on having to *ask* him to do things that seem so obvious, but they weren't obvious to him, and besides, who cares if I have to ask as long as he's willing and it's another thing less I have to take care of. So maybe you just have to ask?? I was surprised to find out that was all I had to do! Good Luck!
3Sweeties 3Sweeties 9 years
yikes- typos!
3Sweeties 3Sweeties 9 years
Good advice Valeri! I think a lot of women think "I will relax after I do one more load of laundry/cook dinner/mop the floor/etc." But, the fact is that the work will never end! The same jobs have to get done over and over, every day. You jave to tell him "I am getting overwhelmed with this, and I need you to help me." I think the worst part of this is that he is loud when you are trying to sleep, that is just plain rude. It might take a couple of meltdowns before he gets the message. And if you say "I need you to help woth the laundry," don't go in there and do his load, remind him again. And he definetly needs to pick up the slack with the kids. Maybe he can help with homework while you walk the dog, that way you get some alone time too, even only a few minutes.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
lol, do we have the same husband? this is pretty much the way it goes for moms. the dads always find time for their workouts and "me time" and the moms make due. here's the thing. moms as a whole would rather do without something than have their kids go without. dads, not so much. you might try having sunday be dad's day with the kid (try not to make it sound like a punishment) and you sleep in, relax, etc. if you can hire help with the house do so. if the dog is not something you want to deal with and you aren;t getting the help you need with it; find a new home for it. buy premade dinners, or don't make dinner except for the child. everyone has their line in the sand and you need to not only let your husband know where yours is, you need to tell yourself that it's fine that you have one. when you are doing chores ask yourself "what will happen if i don't do this" if the answer is not a big deal then skip it for the day. go to the movies, go to lunch with a friend. i was raised with the notion that it was "work before pleasure". but with kids that could mean you never get to the pleasure, there's always more you could be doing, it's a matter of deciding when enough is enough.
rkdub rkdub 9 years
ok... few things 1) take a vacation by yourself or with a friend... not only will YOU feel better when you get back, but he will have to realize the work that you do because he will have to do it! 2) Men are like puppies.... although I trained my dog a hell of a lot quicker than my boyfriend, positive reinforcement is key. If he does something good, REWARD him... ahem ahem... trust me, give it a week or so, he'll be Mr. Clean. Just tell him how much you appreciate his help while you are rewarding....
hrhdiana hrhdiana 9 years
I might have missed this, but how is he Mr. Right? He sounds like Mr. Pampered. And you are doing the pampering. It may be your behavior, as much as his, that needs a change so you can feel like you don't do every single thing around the house.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
He probably has no clue as to what's going on, so speak up. and... Stop doing everything. he doesn't get it done because you get to it first. -the ceeg
Miggs0708 Miggs0708 9 years
This is how it was in my house as well. I even cut the grass and take out the trash. Until my mom gave me very good words of advice, if you don't want to do it for the rest of your life, then start asking him to do it now. I did not want to have to be responsible for everything for the rest of my life so I started asking. Nicely, of course, but I did. And when it is time to cut the grass, I ask him to do it. When it is time to pooper scoop, I ask him to do it. And I have asked him to do all his own laundry. I must say so far so good. I think as your husband has it very easy now and he is just assuming that there is no problem. Guys have no clue, and I can say that honestly. They can't seem to tell when the grass is high, when the trash is full, or when the dishwasher needs run. The only way to get them to help is to ask and then hopefully, after asking enough times, they will finally figure out how to do it on their own - its training ladies!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
It sounds like YOU'RE the superhero. You've taken on a lot of responsability and along with that comes a lot of pressure. You really do need to talk to your husband before you start to feel really burned out. Can you imagine how exhausted you'll be once you've kept up this pace for a few more years? He needs to chip in around the house and you need time alone. He also should be spending some bonding time with your child, (time you can spend alone reading or going out with family or friends). Also, if you have parents, or aunts uncles, friends etc... willing to care for your child for a few hours here and there, take them up on it. Being a good wife and mother means you need to take care of yourself first and you sound like you are last on your list of priorities. What about going away with a girlfriend for a weekend and leaving hubby at home to look after things? Maybe he'll appreciate you more when you get back.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
talk to your husband and let him know you feel like you have been doing the lion's share of the housework and childcare. it's very possible that he doesn't know that you feel like you're being taken advantage of like this. relationships are supposed to be 50/50, it's not fair to put most of the burden on one person.
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