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Worried About Him Proposing Over the Holidays

Group Therapy: Worried About Him Proposing Over the Holidays

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Thanks to some not so subtle hints on my boyfriend's part and many conversations about marriage, I know that he has bought me an engagement ring and plans to propose over the holidays.

We have been together for about a year and a half and lived together for six months. Our relationship is great. We are truly best friends, have tons in common, communicate well, and generally have a blast together. Since I found out the proposal was coming, however, I have been feeling somewhat anxious. To summarize all my issues, my parents had a horrible relationship and when I was in elementary school my dad cheated on my mom with a much younger woman (now my stepmom) and I have had trust issues in all of my relationships. I also struggle with depression and insecurity.

For the first year of our relationship, my boyfriend and I were long distance. We made the decision that I would move to where he is because my career is very flexible in that I can find a job just about anywhere. About a month or so before we moved in together I felt like my boyfriend was pulling away and acting strange, I snooped in his email and found an email he had sent to an ex saying that he felt weird about moving in with me because he still thought about her all the time.

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HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Oh, and as far as addressing the email, just take the time to bring it up when the two of you are alone, and he's not stressed or distracted. Be calm, and tell him that you still think about it a lot and you still feel upset. He has done the biggest thing by cutting ties with her. Maybe all you need to do is talk it out, or make it clear to him you need to time to completely heal from the betrayal before you jump into an engagement.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I have no clue how old you are, but in my opinion, you two have not been together very long at all. He sounds great, but before you jump into marriage, you should give the two of you more time. Like someone said, getting married isn't going to get rid of your doubts. Before he proposes, maybe you should tell him that you're not ready to get married yet, or that you think you two should just continue "dating" one another for awhile, just because a lot has happened in your relationship (with the long distance and ex), and you also have personal issues you want to work out for yourself. You should talk to him about how you feel in regards to the ex.
emmabeebe emmabeebe 5 years
Aww sweetie. I can't say do it or don't do it, but I can tell you that just because he wants to marry you DOESN'T mean he has your best interests in mind, and that although you know that you and he are compatible, six months is not a long time at all- especially to be recovering from an ego blow like that. To me it sounds like your relationship didn't become real for him until then. Since you feel uncomfortable bringing it up again, it also sounds like you're being railroaded some. I can only imagine that he's reacting along the lines of "Don't you WANT to marry me?" Which is a heavy accusation emotionally. Bottom line: insist on couples counseling before announcing an engagement. If not couples, then go by yourself. But get to a place where you've learned some tools to evaluate situations like this and you feel solid and overjoyed about this decision. Niggling doubts are fine, but what you talk about seems not just valid but unresolved. Finally, you seem like a girl after my own heart. You're swayed easily by the people you care for. The most important thing I've learned in my life is that you have to put you first. Especially when you have trust issues, it's crucial to bolster your insistence on putting you as your first priority. And, the time to be critically evaluating your boyfriend for marriage material is now. Put aside all thoughts of "I couldn't start from scratch" or "he's done his best by me, he's trying!" What's in it for you? How well is he really meeting *your* needs? Does he dismiss your concerns? Do you ever feel like he gets what he wants and your wants are left in the dust? How reliable is he? If he were a business, would you buy him? It may go against the grain, but this is hands down the best advice you will get. Now's the time to look out for you- once you're married, you need to know that you're both looking out for each other. It gets complicated. Good luck, lovely- you can get through these fears and troubles, and feeling safe and content is the least you deserve!
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
So.. if you can have many conversations about marriage, as you said, it shouldn't be hard to just bring it up once more and tell him that you'd like more time. It shouldn't matter what day of the year he proposes. There's always next Christmas, or any random time in between. I'm sure he won't throw a fit or anything, and even if he is a little sad, because the holiday thing was something he had in mind, it's still not nearly as bad as rushing into things or creating an awkward situation by saying "not yet" when he proposes. I'm sure he'd rather know in advance if you're not quite sure about it at this point. It's very sweet of you to care so much about his feelings, and I'm sure he'll appreciate it. Waiting a bit longer sounds like it would make you much happier.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I think it sounds like you have a good but flawed guy on your hands. He should understand if you are not ready for an engagement just yet. Bring it up with him when you are both relaxed and don't have anywhere to go for a few hours. Maybe he'll agree to wait, or maybe you'll feel reassured enough to go through with it.
brindey brindey 5 years
Hi honey. It sounds like you have a really rough time trusting- with good reason. You are also with someone who hurt that trust- however small or large the issue, or however long ago. I do think you need to talk about it with your boyfriend, who clearly loves you. If he is committed enough to want to buy a ring and marry you, clearly he is committed enough to work through your insecurities together. And maybe, a few visits alone or together to see someone wouldn't hurt. You will probably have to do pre-marriage counseling anyway. Be gentle and patient with yourself and him. Also, recognize that the timing might not be right. In most relationships, the guy proposes. That means, that the guy determines the time table, what works in his head and in his schedule and plan. Girls, on the other hand, get to sit back and wait while there partner finds his right time, or, in your case, get it sprung on them without being ready. Neither is very fair. In either case, I have a blog for both you and intothewild. It is www.apracticalwedding.com. I think it will really, really help you. Good luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
You don't have to set a date any time soon. You can say yes and set a date in a year. I think if being engaged as a sort of pre-marriage test. Everyone knows you are "taken" and while it's fun, and exciting, it means a change in the relationship. You'll need to run just about everything by each other once you're engaged and you'll be planning for "us", not just you. Try and enjoy the moment. If you're one of the lucky ones, you'll be telling your engagement story at your 50th wedding aniversary part :cocktail:
GTCB GTCB 5 years
"I dont want to lose a relationship that I truly feel could lead to "happily ever after" but I just don't know what to do." I think you should relax. Wow... your boyfriend/possible fiancee is NOT perfect. What a revelation! You've lived together for six months, which is enough time to judge if you can live together long-term. It's also enough time to see if you're compatible and if things "work".
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 5 years
If you are this worried I think that everything is not as perfect as you are saying it is. You still have doubts as to whether he will be faithful. It seems like you guys may be more best friends and compatible that way than as married. Is there anything else asides from the email that is worrying you?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP et all, You and your guy need to sit down and talk about EVERY personality quirk both of you have, then up some strategies on how the both of you are going to handle them. You also need to talk about your emotional needs, and how well the other person does or does not help fufilll these emotional needs. (Most people are not not aware of their emotional needs, much less knowing how to ask for help with them.) A lot of work needs to get done. Get started on this as soon as possible.
intothewild intothewild 5 years
i would love to talk to you on msn or somewhere because i am EXACTLY in the same situation, same guy, same email incident, same proposal etc
Hiding55 Hiding55 5 years
When in doubt don't do it is my motto. Getting engaged (or married) won't stop your lingering doubts. It's best to work this all out to a point where you feel comfortable before moving forward.
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