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First Is the Worst: The True Story of a Terrible Tinder Date

Jun 10 2015 - 2:30pm

I recently went out on my first Tinder date. I asked him out, mostly because he didn't open with "Can I spread Nutella all over your body," which yes, some other gentleman did propose. We had both right-swiped each other (Tinder speak for approving the person to contact you) and begun texting shortly after. He had two jobs, loved biking and burritos — hey, I like one of those things, too! — and he seemed really driven. There were small red flags, like when I suggested he look at something on Reddit, he said he wasn't interested because he didn't like wasting time on the Internet. That's literally all I do, but whatever, we could get past this.

To be perfectly honest, I'm flawed too: I don't drink alcohol (a deal-breaker for many young daters), sometimes I Febreze myself instead of showering, and I have no desire to go skydiving, ever. But I also have a great job, an OK sense of humor, and I've been told I'm cute by people other than my mother. So who's to say we couldn't be a match, right? Well, here's what happened. This is completely true.

When I Saw His Profile Pictures

This guy was cute. I confirmed it with my co-workers, who looked at his picture when I passed it around the office shortly before I left for the date. (What if I disappeared? They needed to know who I was last seen with. He was a stranger, after all.)

Source: MGM [1]

When He Showed Up Looking Homeless

Oh, goodness. His thinning hair was greasy, his sweatshirt was baggy, and his shoes were dirty. He looked like the poor man's version of the least flattering picture on his profile. I started to question my decision to wake up a half-hour early to do my hair up all cute.

When He Told Me He Says Yes to Every Girl on Tinder

He asked me how I Tinder, and I genuinely didn't even know what that meant. He went on to tell me his strategy is to say yes to every girl (he doesn't even look at the pictures) and strike up a conversation. That really made me feel special. But also, maybe I was the shallow one because I look at the pictures? Such internal conflict.

When I Started to Think Maybe He Was High

Why was he staring at me like he wanted to lick my face? Was there Nutella on it?

When He Told Me About the Time He Woke Up Bleeding

We started talking about the fact that I don't drink, and he goes, "Yeah, sometimes I think I should stop, too." When I ask why, he starts telling me about the time he woke up in an unfamiliar place with blood all over his hands. What do you even do with that?

Source: MGM [2]

When He Asked If I Wanted to Split the Cheese Plate

OK, I don't always need a guy to pay for me. Having said that, it's a nice gesture, especially on the first date. Usually I make a move for my wallet, and the guy will go, "No, this is on me," and I'll shyly put away my wallet and say, "Thank you," genuinely appreciating the free meal. Instead, we walked up to the counter and he says, "So we'll split this?" That's $6 I'll never get back.

When a Child Street Performer Started Singing Love Songs Next to Us

Look, it's enough pressure to go on a date with a stranger. I don't need some kid judging our chemistry.

Source: A24 Films [3]

When He Started Talking About His "Experimental Phase"

I know it's a double standard that girls get an experimental phase and guys don't, but I didn't make the rules. In fact, it didn't even bother me so much that he kissed a man, but it did bother me that he had a propensity to flirt with men just to get free drinks. His story about getting drunk with a male co-worker and making out with him (and "maybe more") only to tell him later that he was "totally straight" and doesn't want anything to do with the poor guy bothered me the most.

When He Said He Didn't Want a Full-Time Job Because It Would Be Selling His Soul

You're right, working part-time at CPK is way better.

When He Brought Up His Former Fiancée

At this point, bringing up his past relationship didn't even register on my radar of why this date was a fail. Though, in case you were wondering, they dated for five and a half years, he still loves her, and he let her keep the $4,000 Tiffany ring. Whatta guy.

When He Told Me What a "Good Guy" He Is For Not Sleeping With His "Slut" Boss

I can't even.

When I Said Goodbye and Thanks For the Cheese


When He Texted Me 10 Minutes Later

The most offensive part of this whole experience was him telling me, "For a Tinder date, you're someone that I really liked." Really? Because I hate you.

When I Got Home

I literally crawled into the fetal position. Then I checked my Tinder, where a new guy had messaged me asking if I was into "butt stuff." I'm starting to think this app isn't for me.

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