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Would Saying Yes Sex — Every Time — Make You Happier?

Could Saying Yes to Sex — Every Time — Make Us Happier?

New York magazine asked 50 people who know a thing or 50 about making people happy what we can do to find the simple joy in life. From rabbis and professors to personal trainers and hairdressers, they gave advice as cynical as "don't leave your apartment" and as life-changing as "forget brown-rice sushi."

But tip #13 from cofounder of sex-toy shop Babeland, Claire Cavanah, caught my attention: "Just say yes every time your partner wants to have sex." It's definitely provocative, but is it useful? "It’s only 20 minutes out of your day," says Cavanah, "and it makes you both feel better."

It made me want to get all huffy at first, but she makes a solid case. Could you live up to it? Or wouldn't you want to?

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Girl101 Girl101 6 years
What I think is funny about this question is that I am the one who is more into sex in our relationship and he is the one turning me down! Now its not that he turns me down all the time, but sometimes he says he is just to tired from work or whatever. I don't think I have ever turned him down and no sex is not a twenty minute deal, at least its not if its done right. (To paraphrase Woody Allen).
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
suziryder - I agree with you 100%. Sex is not an obligation nor is it something you should use as a bargaining chip. If a person isn't in the mood, they should not feel like they have to give in just because they haven't done it in a while or to please their partner. I've tried this before (giving in while not in the mood) and ended up tears on more than one occasion. I think a person should said yes when they want it too.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
suziryder - I agree with you 100%. Sex is not an obligation nor is it something you should use as a bargaining chip. If a person isn't in the mood, they should not feel like they have to give in just because they haven't done it in a while or to please their partner. I've tried this before (giving in while not in the mood) and ended up tears on more than one occasion. I think a person should said yes when they want it too.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
b1uebunn says she would only say no if she was in pain or ill...which is totally fair, but i think that if your man is trying to get some action when he knows you're sick or in pain, well then he's a jerk...so i've never felt the need to say no...
redjupe44 redjupe44 6 years
I pretty much have so far, but this is a newer thing, I'm not married or living with the guy. I think it would be different if I was, but I might be able to handle it. Unless I really had to be somewhere and there wasn't any time, sure why not have more sex in your life? I think it's good for you and really fun.
Dyznny Dyznny 6 years
I say, say yes. all the times. its not only penetrative,is it? not unless you are talking about intercourse.well if that's how you sex each other, like our grannies did it, visit a sex therapist to help you spice things up. I tell you, you are bound to say " I want you Honey " all the times. But if his only interests are your physic,obviously he's lusting you. then say yes only when you want him.
Dyznny Dyznny 6 years
I say, say yes. all the times. its not only penetrative,is it? not unless you are talking about intercourse.well if that's how you sex each other, like our grannies did it, visit a sex therapist to help you spice things up. I tell you, you are bound to say " I want you Honey " all the times.But if his only interests are your physic,obviously he's lusting you. then say yes only when you want him.
Camarogirl67 Camarogirl67 6 years
Sometimes I'll initiate when I don't really feel like having sex at all. I figure, I know it's been a few days, we should probably do this...and of course I'm pleasantly surprised and wondering why I don't initiate more often. I also think about the reasons I don't feel like it - feeling down, unhappy with myself, stressed - and I realize that you know, ahem, if a certain reaction is there in front of me, obviously things aren't as bad as I think they are ;o)
suziryder suziryder 6 years
I think it's not a bad thing to say no. Sometimes I'm just not into it, I'm feeling unhappy or grumpy or just not sexy at all, and trying to make it happen when I'm really not into it usually results in uncomfortableness followed by giving up and bad feelings. I just can't get in the mood sometimes, and you know what, sometimes neither can he. And that's okay. We respect each other's desires and moods and it's much better when we're both into it. The majority of the time, I say yes with no problem, but on those rare occasions that I really don't want to, I have to agree with Pistil that I'd start to resent it. Plus, the idea of "you have to say yes to him every time to be a good wife" seems very 1950s to me, it's my body and I have the right to say no.
suziryder suziryder 6 years
I think it's not a bad thing to say no. Sometimes I'm just not into it, I'm feeling unhappy or grumpy or just not sexy at all, and trying to make it happen when I'm really not into it usually results in uncomfortableness followed by giving up and bad feelings. I just can't get in the mood sometimes, and you know what, sometimes neither can he. And that's okay. We respect each other's desires and moods and it's much better when we're both into it. The majority of the time, I say yes with no problem, but on those rare occasions that I really don't want to, I have to agree with Pistil that I'd start to resent it. Plus, the idea of "you have to say yes to him every time to be a good wife" seems very 1950s to me, it's my body and I have the right to say no.
b1uebunn b1uebunn 6 years
I've never said no. I already subscribe to this idea. Barring actually being in pain or illness, why say no? If I'm not into it right then, he'll get me there. Then we both have fun and have a nice experience together.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
i don't think i'v ever said no...?!?!?! except last saturday night when i was literally dead asleep and i didn't even realize
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
I would have to agree with the "i'd never get to leave the house" comment. I second that.
starbucks2 starbucks2 6 years
It works for me. I rarely ever feel like 'Oh I want sex now'. So the initiative most of the time comes from him. Even if I don't really feel like making love at the time as soon as we start kissing I get in the mood. It's not like I just let him bone me 5 minutes, I also enjoy it...alot. I just wouldn't have started anything myself.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
If I don't want to have sex theres usually an emotional reason behind it and just barreling ahead into sex will just make me feel worse, if I was cuddled a bit and spoiled with a hot bath or something then yeah sure, saying yes regardless may lift my mood a bit.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
I did this sometimes and I realized it really did work. I often wondered why I couldn't always have sex when I was down because it sure did help my mood afterwards, not to mention satisfy my partner's need in the same breath.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
"It’s only 20 minutes out of your day," says Cavanah, "and it makes you both feel better." LOL Wow! Well first of all this implies that sex is just physical and that's all this person needs to be happy with it. Not me brother. For me sex is so much more sensual than physical and should always get a good hour, lol. My partner just turned twenty five and I'm pushing forty. The honey moon phase as with most relationships was literally every night in fact we broke his futon the first week, lol, but of course I wasn't about to maintain nightly intercourse indefinitely. Yes, there was a period we went through were he would get a bit irritable if I didn't put out so I figured well I've got years of experience on this kid and then some. We don't have to have intercourse for this to be a satisfying experience for both of us. I pulled out every trick I had (no pun intended) and let him have it. Let's just say things smoothed over very quickly ;)
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
"It’s only 20 minutes out of your day," says Cavanah, "and it makes you both feel better."LOL Wow! Well first of all this implies that sex is just physical and that's all this person needs to be happy with it. Not me brother. For me sex is so much more sensual than physical and should always get a good hour, lol. My partner just turned twenty five and I'm pushing forty. The honey moon phase as with most relationships was literally every night in fact we broke his futon the first week, lol, but of course I wasn't about to maintain nightly intercourse indefinitely. Yes, there was a period we went through were he would get a bit irritable if I didn't put out so I figured well I've got years of experience on this kid and then some. We don't have to have intercourse for this to be a satisfying experience for both of us. I pulled out every trick I had (no pun intended) and let him have it. Let's just say things smoothed over very quickly ;)
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I have to disagree... In a previous relationship I never said no, even when I really didn't feel like it, and I really began to resent the guy for it. It was never about what I wanted, it was all about him.Anyway. That's not necessarily always going to be the case, but if you're not already happy, I don't think having more sex is going to solve your relationship problems (unless that problem is a lack of sex).
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I have to disagree... In a previous relationship I never said no, even when I really didn't feel like it, and I really began to resent the guy for it. It was never about what I wanted, it was all about him. Anyway. That's not necessarily always going to be the case, but if you're not already happy, I don't think having more sex is going to solve your relationship problems (unless that problem is a lack of sex).
mallorycurtis mallorycurtis 6 years
i have already made a concerted effort to doing this, and it really has made us both happier. i don't feel guilty for denying him and he doesn't feel frustrated that he's not getting any. now, he's not the type that wants it 10 times a day so it's not a huge time commitment, but even increasing the amount you do say yes would be good for any relationship.
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
lol, I kind of laugh about the whole its only 20 minutes of your day.. Depending on your needs, your likes, the type of relationship, the type of birth control. Even if the actual sexual session is only 20 minutes, there are specific hygiene needs that have to be met afterwards, and if you're a woman and a condom was not involved... mmhmm, yeah. I do agree that you should say yes even if you're more inclined to say no, but lets not kid around that its a quick process.
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
lol, I kind of laugh about the whole its only 20 minutes of your day.. Depending on your needs, your likes, the type of relationship, the type of birth control. Even if the actual sexual session is only 20 minutes, there are specific hygiene needs that have to be met afterwards, and if you're a woman and a condom was not involved... mmhmm, yeah. I do agree that you should say yes even if you're more inclined to say no, but lets not kid around that its a quick process.
Veka Veka 6 years
It's different for everyone, 30 seems like a good average. If one person is saying 'no' then it's obviously going to leave the other angry, hurt, annoyed, or frustrated. I think it's great advice. But also there should be a per day limit to avoid the never leaving the house problem! :-P
filmgirl81 filmgirl81 6 years
only takes 20 minutes out of your day? Yeah right! It takes at least 40 minutes for a decent experience.
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