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Would You End It If You Found Out Partner Cheated Years Ago?

Would You End It If You Found Out Partner Cheated Years Ago?

It's always heartbreaking to find out your partner cheated on you, but what if the episode of infidelity happened years ago? You might not want to walk away from years of a solid relationship, but on the other hand you could feel like the whole thing has been based on a lie. A TrèsSugar Community member recently shared her dilemma: she cheated on her husband years before they were married, and had what she calls "a small indiscretion" one month into their marriage. Years later her husband has found this all out at once, and they're trying to make it work through therapy. What would you do if you were in her husband's position?

Source: Flickr User egor.gribanov

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Sourie Sourie 5 years
Agreed with MissSushi, i couldn't continue neither. If he lie about cheating what else can he lie about? A relationship is based on trust and working together. The connection will be lost if any of those links are break.
MissSushi MissSushi 5 years
I couldn't continue. Even if the relationship was amazing and we had spent long hard years making sure we were a well working team, the minute I found out he cheated on me and had been lying by omission for years and years on end, I would never be able to trust, connect, or make an honest effort at the work a healthy marriage requires.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
The vote is split right now. I would try to work it out, but that would only be if the relationship had been great since.
missyd missyd 5 years
Anon #9: I don't think you're a 'horrible' person. Alot of people make this same mistake. You may be otherwise a lovely person with good values and morals who just made a really bad mistake.And you know what? Maybe you are completely right not to tell him in your case: I have no right to judge anyone really and I don't know you or your specific situation.I just know I wouldn't appreciate it, and overall I think it's a disrespectful thing to be hiding things like that from someone I love. But, on the other side of that coin, if you told him now, I guess the odds of him leaving are even higher cause not only would he be upset about the infidelity but probably also the duration of lying too.I don't know.
missyd missyd 5 years
Anon #9: I don't think you're a 'horrible' person. Alot of people make this same mistake. You may be otherwise a lovely person with good values and morals who just made a really bad mistake. And you know what? Maybe you are completely right not to tell him in your case: I have no right to judge anyone really and I don't know you or your specific situation. I just know I wouldn't appreciate it, and overall I think it's a disrespectful thing to be hiding things like that from someone I love. But, on the other side of that coin, if you told him now, I guess the odds of him leaving are even higher cause not only would he be upset about the infidelity but probably also the duration of lying too. I don't know.
missyd missyd 5 years
Anon #9: IMO, your fiance has every right in the world to know about your night with the ex.
missyd missyd 5 years
GlowingMoon, I couldnt have said it better myself. I have no tolerance for any of that sh*t. Plus, I would never fully recover. My heart would be broken and I dont think I'd ever feel the same way. I am nothing but faithful, even in the face of opportunity, and I expect/demand the same from him. I believe it is a big part of marriage, and if you break that rule, even just once with something as 'minor' (if you think it is?) as a kiss, then thats says enough right there. You dont have the commitment or dedication I need.
missyd missyd 5 years
GlowingMoon, I couldnt have said it better myself.I have no tolerance for any of that sh*t.Plus, I would never fully recover. My heart would be broken and I dont think I'd ever feel the same way.I am nothing but faithful, even in the face of opportunity, and I expect/demand the same from him. I believe it is a big part of marriage, and if you break that rule, even just once with something as 'minor' (if you think it is?) as a kiss, then thats says enough right there. You dont have the commitment or dedication I need.
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
Annon Poster 9; I support your view and think you have done EXACTLY the right thing. As for thinking you would never be a "cheater" I think that applies to most people who have had a little discreet time. The needs we all have for security and excitement sometimes clash and cannot easily be reconciled. I still think emotional, physical and mental abuse is worse than anything you can do sexual with a third person while in a relationship. While we are on the subject I think fantasising about pretending your lover/partner is someone else too is also worse; that is just plain rude! Amber, I admire your positive view.
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
Annon Poster 9; I support your view and think you have done EXACTLY the right thing. As for thinking you would never be a "cheater" I think that applies to most people who have had a little discreet time. The needs we all have for security and excitement sometimes clash and cannot easily be reconciled.I still think emotional, physical and mental abuse is worse than anything you can do sexual with a third person while in a relationship. While we are on the subject I think fantasising about pretending your lover/partner is someone else too is also worse; that is just plain rude!Amber, I admire your positive view.
amber512 amber512 5 years
I would try to make it work. I told my husband before we got married that we are together until death do us part. So he better be prepared for the long haul!
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
I would try hard to sort it out if the relationship was currently good. There are other things in a relationship that I would deem worse and totally unforgiving though. The sex thing is often thought as the big one. In my opinion (don't sheet me down on this, I'm entitled to a view that does not harm others) it is less than other major things.
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
I would try hard to sort it out if the relationship was currently good.There are other things in a relationship that I would deem worse and totally unforgiving though. The sex thing is often thought as the big one. In my opinion (don't sheet me down on this, I'm entitled to a view that does not harm others) it is less than other major things.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
I'm in the minority here. I would probably end it, as the marriage was based on a lie. He's not the (faithful) husband I thought he was. Incidentally, I'm a very faithful wife, and I've received (and still receive) offers. Needless to say, I declined all offers, following-through on my marriage vows to my husband, and remained faithful to him. I demand THE SAME from him. If he falls short of that, breaking his marriage vow to me, I'm walking away from the marriage.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
I'm in the minority here. I would probably end it, as the marriage was based on a lie. He's not the (faithful) husband I thought he was.Incidentally, I'm a very faithful wife, and I've received (and still receive) offers. Needless to say, I declined all offers, following-through on my marriage vows to my husband, and remained faithful to him.I demand THE SAME from him. If he falls short of that, breaking his marriage vow to me, I'm walking away from the marriage.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 5 years
For me it would depend on what was done and when in the relationship it happened. If it were early on when it wasn't serious and wasn't a huge indiscretion (say, kissing as opposed to sex), I would probably try to work through it.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
I don't know what my reaction will be.On one side, You have all these years of love and respect, but on the other , you doubt weather it was real. How do I know he only had that one "indiscretion"? I hope I never find myself in that situation.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
I don't know what my reaction will be.On one side, You have all these years of love and respect, but on the other , you doubt weather it was real. How do I know he only had that one "indiscretion"? I hope I never find myself in that situation.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
I think it would almost be worse if he went years without telling me. After a certain amount of time has gone by, why tell at all at that point? If a boyfriend cheated on me and told me soon after it happened, I think I would be less upset than if he lied for so long and then suddenly decided to tell me. Cheating is shady enough as it is, why make it that much shadier?
starbucks2 starbucks2 5 years
What Sugar & Spice said. If the cheating happened very early on in the relationshiip and it's been going strong since then, probably not...A few weeks ago we went to a wedding where I didn't know anyone, and my boyfriend only knew the groom. On the way home my bf told me about their partying ways back in the day and how his friend cheated on his then pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea she was marrying someone that cheated days before she gave birth to their child! I felt so bad for her....I just hope she never finds out...
starbucks2 starbucks2 5 years
What Sugar & Spice said. If the cheating happened very early on in the relationshiip and it's been going strong since then, probably not... A few weeks ago we went to a wedding where I didn't know anyone, and my boyfriend only knew the groom. On the way home my bf told me about their partying ways back in the day and how his friend cheated on his then pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea she was marrying someone that cheated days before she gave birth to their child! I felt so bad for her....I just hope she never finds out...
weffie weffie 5 years
I could forgive the cheating, just not the years of lying. Even having the capacity to lie like that is a dealbreaker for me... dishonesty is a personality trait, and it's an ugly one. I'd put money on it that she lied to him about tons of other things all along, not just about her "small indiscretion."
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