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You Asked: Am I Asking Too Much?


DearSugar --

I recently started seeing this man, and i'm really starting to like him. We have gone on 4 dates, and I am having a hard time because I only talk to him a couple of times a week. This is hard for me to deal with. In my last relationship, my boyfriend and I talked daily (multiple times, whether by text, phone, email).

I am 40 years old and have 3 children, so we both have baggage and responsibilities. But in a relationship so young, do you think it's too early to bring up the subject of how often we speak to each other? Do I need to be more patient and give it more time? ~ Hurried Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Hurried Heather --

You're asking yourself all the right questions. I know how exciting a new relationship can be, how much there is to say, and how much you just want to hear his voice. It's difficult to be patient, Heather, but it's healthy and it's wise. Given that you're not yet in a relationship and things are only in the dating phase, I think it's pretty great that you guys are talking a few times a week. That seems appropriate. If you two do build a relationship, more contact and conversation will evolve along with the romance.

You're right not to get too far ahead of yourself or too far ahead of him, Heather. It takes time to know someone, for them to know us, and it takes time to be clear about how new people will figure in our lives. In the meanwhile, I'd suggest talking with your girlfriends or family if you need extra support. Journaling is also a good way to manage anxiety or to meet the simple but intense need to get stuff out. Good luck, Hurried Heather. And enjoy these early days of your courtship!

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grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
Have fun, enjoy the time you DO spend together, and just let things evolve naturally. If this is going to turn into something long-term then you'll gradually start to see each other more and will start to communicate more often. I definitely wouldn't demand more from him at this stage, he might get freaked out and then you will have sabotaged something that could have been amazing.
Deba Deba 9 years
Umm something I learned the hard way is that every relationship is different and its a huge mistake when you start making comparisons....
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I agree with everyone else's comments. If at all possible, just relax and go with the flow. And if he has behavior you don't like, just make a mental note of it, don't bring it up (at first). Let him be who he is and then decide if you want to be with that person. I always make the mistake of trying to fix the things I'm not happy about with a person, and then they fix it for a while because it's LOVE and you can change to some degree in the short term. Then they invariably recidivate as the relationships moves past the honeymooon phase. And then I end up with someone who TOLD me who they were right up front but I just didn't want to listen. Sorry, I'm sort of digressing, but I think you wanting to "fix things" after 4 dates is kinda reminiscent of this behavior. Good luck!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I agree with everyone else's comments. If at all possible, just relax and go with the flow. And if he has behavior you don't like, just make a mental note of it, don't bring it up (at first). Let him be who he is and then decide if you want to be with that person. I always make the mistake of trying to fix the things I'm not happy about with a person, and then they fix it for a while because it's LOVE and you can change to some degree in the short term. Then they invariably recidivate as the relationships moves past the honeymooon phase. And then I end up with someone who TOLD me who they were right up front but I just didn't want to listen. Sorry, I'm sort of digressing, but I think you wanting to "fix things" after 4 dates is kinda reminiscent of this behavior.Good luck!
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
I absolutely love the journal idea, it has helped me so much and think it is a great idea! I agree take it slow good things will follow for you if you just relax!
Marci Marci 9 years
As is often the case, I agree with Dear and Valeri. Try to take it slow; a day at a time, and see where it leads. The fact that you're speaking several times a week is a lot for only 4 dates, I think. So I'd say, so far, so good! Just try to relax and enjoy things as they come. Hope it all works out for you.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
yes! at this point what you have is a "possible" relationship. anyone can be charming and interesting for 4 dates. perhaps you miss the company or just being in a relationship, but you need to take it slow if for no other reason than you have 3 children (more if he has any) involved. is this someone you would trust to be around them? is he someone you would give up time with them to be with? if it doesn't work ou how will you explain that to them? most men will be cautious about getting involved with a woman who has 3 children, so that might be why he is going slower than you would like. if it works out long term what does it matter if it took 6 months or 6 weeks to get to the contact level you wanted? good luck to you :)
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