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You Asked: Am I Intimidating to Men?



DearSugar --
My friends tell me because I am successful, have my own money, etc., that I am intimidating to men, and thus why I can't find a date. I don't believe this! I am cool, very approachable and easy to talk to. I have several guy friends that at one time or another have wanted to "couple" but we never did. My point is, I am putting myself out there, available to date, but men seem to not be interested. Is this because I am successful? ~Confident Cassie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Confident Cassie --

Unfortunately, Confident Cassie, it's possible you're meeting men who are, indeed, intimidated by a successful woman. That said, the world is plenty full of men who find a woman's success and independence extremely attractive and desirable. It sounds as if you have some close male friends; perhaps it would make sense to ask them what they think. How do they feel about your success or successful women in general? How about their friends?

Sometimes, we're not aware of how we're experienced by others; in fact, we can be downright unapproachable without even know it. Ask your guy friends how you come across when first meeting people. Are you projecting openness and curiosity? I'm not super warm and fuzzy at first glance: I'm an introvert, a bit shy, and a little reserved until I know you. It takes a particular kind of person, man or woman, to observe these initial qualities without misinterpreting them. Luckily, I'm also good at meeting and valuing that 'particular kind of person'. Know yourself this way, Cassie. Accept it and work with it.

What kind of man appeals to you? Are you going places where they hang out? If so, check in with yourself about conversation. Are you talking at length about your success or your job? Most of us don't dig this with the fellas, so be aware of how much you discuss your intelligence and success. I'm not suggesting you hide your light under a bushel, I'm just saying there are a lot of things that make you a valuable and interesting woman; be sure you don't minimize other qualities and virtues.

You might check out Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad. It's irreverent, illuminating, helpful and full of good, common sense. Co-written by a man and a woman, the alternating points of view make for very interesting reading. Check it out here.
It might also be worthwhile to put this question to Brad Sawyer, who offers relationship advice for women from a guy's point of view. You never know, he might have something very fresh to offer.

Practice patience, know what kind of man you're looking for, and reflect a little on the interpersonal stuff, Cassie. I feel quite confident that you just haven't met your match yet. Keep putting yourself out there and being open, and one day you'll have your confidence, your career, and a man who loves you for you.


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popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Like I said, I pretty much agree with everything people wrote about it being the guys' issues and not hers. I was just confused about how these men could be intimidated by her success and money before even going on a date (which was what the premise of the letter seemed to be to me). I agree, if she has designer handbags, that might tip people off, but I don't know too many guys that have a clue about that stuff anyway lol. And having self-confidence is NOT tied to being financially successful so I'm not sure that "air" is really relevant. I would never say that someone should hide their success or money. I'm just cautioning against making it too important. And as I stated before, I'm not saying that she is doing that. It was a "just in case" type thing. Like have you ever had a guy come up to you and start telling you what kind of nice car he drives? No doubt he's carrying a nice man purse and exudes confidence. We wouldn't be telling him: "Yeah, don't worry about hiding your success!" We'd tell him to tone it down. Anyway, let me repeat one more time that I was not accusing her of being like that. It was just cautionary advice based on my experience with people who can be too over the top talking about their money.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Like I said, I pretty much agree with everything people wrote about it being the guys' issues and not hers. I was just confused about how these men could be intimidated by her success and money before even going on a date (which was what the premise of the letter seemed to be to me). I agree, if she has designer handbags, that might tip people off, but I don't know too many guys that have a clue about that stuff anyway lol. And having self-confidence is NOT tied to being financially successful so I'm not sure that "air" is really relevant. I would never say that someone should hide their success or money. I'm just cautioning against making it too important. And as I stated before, I'm not saying that she is doing that. It was a "just in case" type thing. Like have you ever had a guy come up to you and start telling you what kind of nice car he drives? No doubt he's carrying a nice man purse and exudes confidence. We wouldn't be telling him: "Yeah, don't worry about hiding your success!" We'd tell him to tone it down. Anyway, let me repeat one more time that I was not accusing her of being like that. It was just cautionary advice based on my experience with people who can be too over the top talking about their money.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
I hear the same thing. But consider the source: many of the men who tell me this are either slackers or super-competitive. The slacker is too lazy or broke to treat you right and the ambitious one's ego's so small he can't handle you making more money than him. Men who find any woman intimidating are not the type of man a together woman is looking for anyway. And to POP, re: how these guys know we're successful? Well on a date, what do you talk about: What do you do? Where do you work? If you say you are the Vice President of X company, then they know you make a good living. If he asks where you live, it might indicate your success too. They may see you pull up in your car or notice the designer handbag you carry. You don't have to brag for people to notice you've got it going on. It's a air of confidence you have that people can sense. Don't apologize for being successful and having your stuff together. consider the alternative: if you were just on the hunt for a man with money they'd call you a golddigging man-trap. You can't win for losing... -the ceeg
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
I hear the same thing. But consider the source: many of the men who tell me this are either slackers or super-competitive. The slacker is too lazy or broke to treat you right and the ambitious one's ego's so small he can't handle you making more money than him. Men who find any woman intimidating are not the type of man a together woman is looking for anyway.And to POP, re: how these guys know we're successful? Well on a date, what do you talk about: What do you do? Where do you work? If you say you are the Vice President of X company, then they know you make a good living. If he asks where you live, it might indicate your success too. They may see you pull up in your car or notice the designer handbag you carry. You don't have to brag for people to notice you've got it going on. It's a air of confidence you have that people can sense. Don't apologize for being successful and having your stuff together. consider the alternative: if you were just on the hunt for a man with money they'd call you a golddigging man-trap. You can't win for losing...-the ceeg
Jinx Jinx 9 years
You say you are "putting yourself out there", and you said you've had interest, but you turned them down, for whatever reason. Just not the right one maybe, because the fact that men are interested kind of makes the independant woman excuse null and void. ------------------------------------------------------ "If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate" Elbert Hubbard
Jinx Jinx 9 years
You say you are "putting yourself out there", and you said you've had interest, but you turned them down, for whatever reason. Just not the right one maybe, because the fact that men are interested kind of makes the independant woman excuse null and void.------------------------------------------------------"If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate" Elbert Hubbard
JessNess JessNess 9 years
Don't apologize for your success and independence!!!!! If a guy can't handle you because you are successful then that is his lost. He needs to reevaluate his low self-esteem. Just keep being you and have fun. You will meet your equal one day
JessNess JessNess 9 years
<b>Don't apologize for your success and independence!!!!!</b> If a guy can't handle you because you are successful then that is his lost. He needs to reevaluate his low self-esteem. Just keep being you and have fun. You will meet your equal one day
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I basically agree with the others that you just haven't met your match. But, I'm a bit confused. You are asking if the reason you can't get a date is that you are successful. But how do these guys you just met already know that you are successful and have your own money? To me, that means that you have plenty of guys to talk to, but they never turn into actual dates. And to me, that means maybe you shouldn't talk about how successful you are right away. Not because being successful is a bad thing, but for the reason that it might come off as being braggy? For example, if a guy tries to impress me with being successful, I think it's a huge turn off. I'm not saying you are doing this. But in the off chance you are, you might not want to bring up money or success right away in conversation. I write guys off immediately who do that to me so I imagine men might do the same.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I basically agree with the others that you just haven't met your match. But, I'm a bit confused. You are asking if the reason you can't get a date is that you are successful. But how do these guys you just met already know that you are successful and have your own money? To me, that means that you have plenty of guys to talk to, but they never turn into actual dates. And to me, that means maybe you shouldn't talk about how successful you are right away. Not because being successful is a bad thing, but for the reason that it might come off as being braggy? For example, if a guy tries to impress me with being successful, I think it's a huge turn off. I'm not saying you are doing this. But in the off chance you are, you might not want to bring up money or success right away in conversation. I write guys off immediately who do that to me so I imagine men might do the same.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Date around till you meet the right one. You seem like a great catch! It won't be like before you are taken. Good luck.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Date around till you meet the right one.You seem like a great catch! It won't be like before you are taken.Good luck.
andaman andaman 9 years
they aren't right for you anyway is what i meant!
andaman andaman 9 years
A lot of men I know love successful women! But I know loving the idea and having to live with someone earning more is completely different! Well if they find you intitmidating then they're right for you anyway. No I don't think you intimidate men. I think some men feel insecure when girls earn more (but that shouldn't be your problem, it's their problem). I would date a lot of different people if I were you.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
might be true, but i don't think i'd worry about it. i'm guessing the ones that are scared away wouldn't interesting to you anyway. look at the bf's and dh's your friends have, see any you would want? i wouldn't go about meeting people the way you have been, maybe in something where the men are more accomplished and more confident. what about toastmasters, a wine tasting class or a rock climbing group? you don't need lots of men, just the right one. if you have to screen through fewer weirdo's lucky you :)
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