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You Asked: Am I Intimidating to Men?




DearSugar --
My friends tell me because I am successful, have my own money, etc., that I am intimidating to men, and thus why I can't find a date. I don't believe this! I am cool, very approachable and easy to talk to. I have several guy friends that at one time or another have wanted to "couple" but we never did. My point is, I am putting myself out there, available to date, but men seem to not be interested. Is this because I am successful? ~Confident Cassie

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Dear Confident Cassie --

Unfortunately, Confident Cassie, it's possible you're meeting men who are, indeed, intimidated by a successful woman. That said, the world is plenty full of men who find a woman's success and independence extremely attractive and desirable. It sounds as if you have some close male friends; perhaps it would make sense to ask them what they think. How do they feel about your success or successful women in general? How about their friends?

Sometimes, we're not aware of how we're experienced by others; in fact, we can be downright unapproachable without even know it. Ask your guy friends how you come across when first meeting people. Are you projecting openness and curiosity? I'm not super warm and fuzzy at first glance: I'm an introvert, a bit shy, and a little reserved until I know you. It takes a particular kind of person, man or woman, to observe these initial qualities without misinterpreting them. Luckily, I'm also good at meeting and valuing that 'particular kind of person'. Know yourself this way, Cassie. Accept it and work with it.

What kind of man appeals to you? Are you going places where they hang out? If so, check in with yourself about conversation. Are you talking at length about your success or your job? Most of us don't dig this with the fellas, so be aware of how much you discuss your intelligence and success. I'm not suggesting you hide your light under a bushel, I'm just saying there are a lot of things that make you a valuable and interesting woman; be sure you don't minimize other qualities and virtues.

You might check out Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad. It's irreverent, illuminating, helpful and full of good, common sense. Co-written by a man and a woman, the alternating points of view make for very interesting reading. Check it out here.
It might also be worthwhile to put this question to Brad Sawyer, who offers relationship advice for women from a guy's point of view. You never know, he might have something very fresh to offer.

Practice patience, know what kind of man you're looking for, and reflect a little on the interpersonal stuff, Cassie. I feel quite confident that you just haven't met your match yet. Keep putting yourself out there and being open, and one day you'll have your confidence, your career, and a man who loves you for you.


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