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You Asked: Was Breaking Up the Right Move?

Dear Sugar,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of seven months. I found out that he was lying to me about something very big: stealing and addiction. What hurt even more was the fact that I gave him two chances to come clean, but he instead made me feel like a horrible girlfriend for doubting him. The reason I confronted him twice was because I knew the real story, unbeknownst to him. He finally confessed and I broke up with him.

Five days later we met up, talked, and I got back together with him. Pretty soon I realized I hadn't forgiven him for what he had done and told him that I had made a mistake and that we needed to break up once and for all. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing, but I know he's heartbroken. I really miss him and I'm confused, but most of my friends are telling me I did the right thing. What do you think? — Did I Jump the Gun Jenny

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Did I Jump the Gun Jenny,

Two of the main ingredients to make a relationship work are trust and honesty. Your boyfriend wasn't able to bring either of those traits to the table, so I agree with your friends — breaking up was the right decision. In my book, bold-face lying to the people you love is absolutely unacceptable. Being involved with someone who is an addict and a thief will only lead to a life of more dishonesty so I'm so glad you nipped this in the bud within the first seven months.

Breaking up is always hard, especially if you still love the person, but it's important to remember why you broke up with him in the first place. Of course you miss him, seven months is a long time to date someone, but you should be proud of yourself for standing your ground. Time is a great healer Jenny and in the meantime, do what makes you happy. Hang out with your friends, go shopping, exercise, read, anything to get your mind off the breakup. I hope I was able to help you realize that you did the right thing, and good luck to you.
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frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
You did the right thing and now STAND BY YOUR DECISIONS. You have to be strong and believe in your decisions. Don't let feelings blind you unless you're willing to deal with the consequences AGAIN and AGAIN.
tkoblondee tkoblondee 8 years
Yes, you most certainly did the right thing!! Be tough, you will work through it. I believe that everything happens for a reason, someone much better will come along!!
pinkroxmysox82 pinkroxmysox82 8 years
That was absoultly the right thing to do. He lied to your face again and again. There was a person my mom knew. She dated a guy that lied to her face to many times. He lied to her about his addiction to drugs and acholl and stealing. He was always drunk at parties that she never went to. He lied to her about those parties so that he could smoke all he wanted and get drunk. I don't want you to end that way. Plus when she found out. he found out that she found out and tried to hurt her. He was put away. i really don't want you to end like that. You guys weren't what you thought you were going to be. The guy also stole money out of her purse and bank account. You did the best thing. Best wishes and prayerspinkroxmysox82
pinkroxmysox82 pinkroxmysox82 8 years
That was absoultly the right thing to do. He lied to your face again and again. There was a person my mom knew. She dated a guy that lied to her face to many times. He lied to her about his addiction to drugs and acholl and stealing. He was always drunk at parties that she never went to. He lied to her about those parties so that he could smoke all he wanted and get drunk. I don't want you to end that way. Plus when she found out. he found out that she found out and tried to hurt her. He was put away. i really don't want you to end like that. You guys weren't what you thought you were going to be. The guy also stole money out of her purse and bank account. You did the best thing. Best wishes and prayers pinkroxmysox82
Marci Marci 8 years
I think you did the right thing. There is no future with someone you can't trust. And once someone lies or disappoints you, it's next to impossible to get back to where you were before that. We often try to get back with someone after a big issue, but it rarely works. It'll be rough for awhile, but stick to your guns and move on.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
I dont get it, why bother to break up with him and then just get back together with him? Was he suppose to change his ways on the drop of a hat? That's not the way things work.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
a bf with an addiction and stealing habits is a big ol' no-nodon't try to be the girl that *changed him* cuz it'll never happenlook ahead in teh future...do u REALLY see yourself with someone that does shit like this?breakupbreakupBREAKUP!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 8 years
a bf with an addiction and stealing habits is a big ol' no-no don't try to be the girl that *changed him* cuz it'll never happen look ahead in teh future...do u REALLY see yourself with someone that does shit like this? breakup breakup BREAKUP!
almost-famous almost-famous 8 years
If you wanna put yourself in a situation where the guy is gonna harm you whether he's clean or not, then go ahead. If he's not clean you're going to have to deal with his deadly addiction and if he does get clean you're gonna have to deal with a manipulator....
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I wish when people wanted advice they would give the WHOLE story and not just the parts they think will give the advice they want.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
There is nothing--nothing--more miserable than being in a relationship with an addict. As hard as it is right now, the pain you feel now will eventually fade, and now you have created the possibility for something better to come into your life. If you had stayed with him, you would just be guaranteeing yourself a future of unhappiness, doubt and misery.
clarapl clarapl 8 years
There is nothing--nothing--more miserable than being in a relationship with an addict.As hard as it is right now, the pain you feel now will eventually fade, and now you have created the possibility for something better to come into your life.If you had stayed with him, you would just be guaranteeing yourself a future of unhappiness, doubt and misery.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
Absolutely......Unless you care that much about him,and have the time and most of all the patience to deal with his drama, then there's no doubt, you did the right thing.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
You absolutely did the right thing. Something like this happened to me and unfortunately, I did not stay broken up with him. But I couldn't get the image of him looking me in the eyes and telling a bald faced lie out of my head-- it was like torture. I never trusted him and we eventually did break up. You wouldn't have been able to trust him at all after that-- believe me. He needs to learn that lying is disrespectful and can cost him relationships. I'm so glad you've moved on.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Was the stealing and addiction in the past? Did he lie to you maybe out of shame or fear to lose you, and not because he's a dishonest thieving junkie? I suppose if he were those things, you'd have noticed it over those 7 months... I don't know the story, what lies he told you, and the things he's either done or is still doing that he felt he should hide from you; but.... sometimes people need (and deserve!) a second chance. The truth is, if he is indeed a guy who lies and steals and does drugs (or either of those three!), you absolutely 100% made the right decision. If he just didn't want to admit to something he did in the past because he's incredibly ashamed of it, then I'd say you could give him a break.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Was the stealing and addiction in the past? Did he lie to you maybe out of shame or fear to lose you, and not because he's a dishonest thieving junkie? I suppose if he were those things, you'd have noticed it over those 7 months... I don't know the story, what lies he told you, and the things he's either done or is still doing that he felt he should hide from you; but.... sometimes people need (and deserve!) a second chance. The truth is, if he is indeed a guy who lies and steals and does drugs (or either of those three!), you absolutely 100% made the right decision. If he just didn't want to admit to something he did in the past because he's incredibly ashamed of it, then I'd say you could give him a break.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
Being a thief and an addict are 2 of the worst traits a person can have. Be glad your out of it and don't look back!
missyd missyd 8 years
Yeah, I agree w/ comment above....need to know more detials on the addiction before I can pass educated comment or opinion. It entirely depends on how bad it really is. Not cool with the fact he lies to you so easily, though.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
I'm not sure exactly what he lied to you about. Did he steal from you? Is he an addict of something now and has been hiding if from you, OR is he a recovering addict and never told you about his old habits? If he is a recovering addict and lied I think you can forgive him. This is probably a part of his life that he wanted to put behind him and feels really ashamed of. I can understand how something like that might be hard to tell someone that you want to love you. BUT he should have told you the truth once you started asking questions. Maybe he had every intention of telling you about that part of his life when HE was ready. Not when other people were ready to spill the beans to you for him. Seven months may seem like a long time to you, but maybe it's not enough time for him to feel like you should know his most personal secret. Anyway, if you decide to be back with him make sure you are really ready. If not maybe you can forgive him one day and continue to be friends. Good luck.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
I'm not sure exactly what he lied to you about. Did he steal from you? Is he an addict of something now and has been hiding if from you, OR is he a recovering addict and never told you about his old habits? If he is a recovering addict and lied I think you can forgive him. This is probably a part of his life that he wanted to put behind him and feels really ashamed of. I can understand how something like that might be hard to tell someone that you want to love you. BUT he should have told you the truth once you started asking questions. Maybe he had every intention of telling you about that part of his life when HE was ready. Not when other people were ready to spill the beans to you for him. Seven months may seem like a long time to you, but maybe it's not enough time for him to feel like you should know his most personal secret. Anyway, if you decide to be back with him make sure you are really ready. If not maybe you can forgive him one day and continue to be friends. Good luck.
aeschere aeschere 8 years
i think what you did was really, really the right thing to do. now it's going to be hard, but use strength to stick with it!
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
Sorry... You SHOULD NOT be with him. I just realized that I left out the "NOT" in line four above.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
You did the right thing. Hopefully, you will be able to forgive him someday. BUT, you will never forget that he lied to you. He obviously needs time to get his act together. And until he does, you should be with him. He's just looking for co-dependency. But he needs to become self-sufficient first, before he can have you.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
You did the right thing.Hopefully, you will be able to forgive him someday. BUT, you will never forget that he lied to you. He obviously needs time to get his act together. And until he does, you should be with him. He's just looking for co-dependency. But he needs to become self-sufficient first, before he can have you.
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