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You Asked: Can He Be Trusted?

DearSugar --

I have been dating this guy for a year now. He has been married twice and is 31 years old; I have been married once and I am 26. With that said, I really think I have found my soul mate. He is everything I ever wanted in a man and there is only one catch; I found out recently that my man cheated on me when we first got together.

He admitted it, and explained that he felt we could see other people when we first got together. I, however, didn't think the same thing so I broke up with him. I was so unsure if I could trust him that I had my friend pretend she was interested in him to see if he would cheat again. Unfortunately, he did agree to hook up with my friend until she told him what she was doing.

When I confronted him, he said he figured he had lost me forever so he was trying to move on with his life. Some of his explanations I understand, but I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. What should I do? -- Betrayed Becky

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Betrayed Becky --

I know you have strong feelings for this man, but your own anxiety and behavior leads me to think you don't trust him. I'm also concerned you have good reason to doubt his respect and faithfulness. I wonder what you hope for in a soul mate, Betrayed Becky? What qualities are you looking for in a man? And how do you expect to be loved and treated? I'd like you to shift your focus from your boyfriend momentarily and focus on your future, the quality of your daily life, and how you would describe to yourself or someone else a good, solid relationship?

I'm concerned about the combination of his age and marital history. I'm concerned that he was willing to even entertain the idea of sleeping with someone he knows to be your friend. I'm concerned he slept with someone when you were 'dating' instead of clarifying with you first the outline of the relationship. And I'm concerned that you set him up in order to test his honesty and his regard for you, and yet, with the answer, you don't trust yourself to walk away and find or build a more stable relationship.

If every day in front of you were to be like the ones behind you with him, is this what would you want? This much hesitation, distrust and turmoil after a year is something to take very seriously. Trust yourself, Betrayed Becky, and be an advocate for your own happiness and security.

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