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You Asked: Can I Stay Clean this Way?

Dear Sugar--
I dated a guy for a very long time and we met through extremely unrepeatable ways. Both of us had very serious drug addictions, his more so than mine, but we encouraged each other to get clean. We had an unfortunate falling out and took a break when he suddenly moved away clear across the country -- I had no contact with him whatsoever. I was devastated, but still, after our little "break" I didn't really care about him the way I used to. I no longer had a wild desire that I MUST be a part of his life, I felt more like very close friends with him.

Needless to say, we had been out of contact for such a long time that I was worried about him and his well being. I had talked to him only briefly in the past two years until recently, out of the blue, he called me and tells me he's back in town and he wants to catch up. When I saw him, I came to find that, unsurprisingly, he continues to struggle with his addiction, but he's certainly better off than he was before. We go out some more and soon enough I realize that he's basically living with me and we're spending every moment together. I really couldn't love him more, but I'm afraid that if I continue with this relationship I'll find myself more and more caught up int he torrent of drug life. Since being around him, I've almost relapsed 3 times. What's more is that he'll probably get up and move again when he finds out I'm fearful of his influence. Is he bad for my health? I know we love each other but there's always the lingering feeling that I don't care about him that way. Am I unintentionally leading him on? And if I stay, will i end up back at square one? -- Sober Sophie

To see DEARSUGAR' answer

Dear Sober Sophie --

Let me first start out my telling you how happy I am to hear you are staying clean and sober -- that is no small feat so you should be very proud of yourself. I also understand the connection you must feel with this man since you have clearly been through many ups and downs together, but your doubts about him are extremely valid and you should be wary of his influence on you. One major part of being sober is removing yourself from old habits and disruptive behavior. There is a reason why it is recommended that once people are sober, they change their friends and lifestyle completely -- the temptation is sometimes too much to handle.

Going from 0-60 after not speaking to this man in years just doesn't sound like a good idea. Your gut instincts are making you think twice so take a good hard listen to yourself and break away from this man before it's too late. Since he is still struggling with addiction, he is incapable of seeing how his behavior is potentially poisoning you and you have worked too hard on your sobriety to let him bring you down. I understand you care about him, but you need to care about yourself more right now. Until he can get a grasp on his life, I think you and I both know that the right thing to do is to sever your ties. Good luck to you and I wish you continued good health.


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