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You Asked: Can I Tell My Boyfriend to Get a Job?

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years now, and it seems like everyone around us is getting engaged, married, having kids, and moving in together. I'm not in any rush to get married, but I do want us to live together. He is currently unemployed and we don't have the money to move in together. How can I get him to start looking for a new job without sounding like a nag?

--Ready To Move In Renee

To see DEAR SUGAR's answer

Dear Ready To Move In Renee--

I am wondering where your boyfriend is living now and how he's paying for it. As a matter of fact, how is he paying for anything? Is he living with friends or family? Is he charging all his expenses to his credit card? And how long has he been unemployed? These are great questions to answer, because they'll help you figure out how mature your man is, and if he is "living together" material.

I know you may be feeling bad that everyone around you is in relationships where they are either married, engaged or cohabitating, but even though you are ready for that next step, it doesn't sound like your man is. Living together may seem all fun and exciting, but it takes a degree of maturity and responsibility from both people to make it work.

If I were you, I'd definitely encourage him to go out and get a job - you're not being a nag, you're doing him a favor. Even if he does get one, I wouldn't move in with him just yet. He needs to prove to you that he can keep a job, have his own apartment, manage his money and pay his bills. If you move in with him before you know he can be responsible in that way, how can you be sure he can pull his weight when you're sharing an apartment together? Be patient, but don't be too patient. If you don't see him making any effort in the job search, I'd think about finding yourself the responsible and mature man you want and deserve.

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CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Warning! Warning! you still want to get married to a deadbeat?
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
First, find out if living together is something he wants. Perhaps he is comfortable in his current situation and preparing for moving isn't a priority? Then ask him if he is going to be working again or pursuing higher education or a grad/prof degree as his next move. Push for the higher degree, that will ultimately make for better future salary prospects.
onesong onesong 9 years
holy hell, no job, at the age where people are moving in together and getting married? not to put too fine a point on it, but this dude is a dud. if he's not mature enough to get some motivation and get out on his own, he's DEFINITELY not mature enough to move in with you. before you worry about him getting a job so you guys can move in together, worry about him getting a job so he can get a life. i guess im biased because i have been working nonstop for the past 10 years (i'm 26) and i have no patience for this kind of stuff. my boyfriend got laid off last year right after we started dating and relaxed on his parachute package for a whole summer, and by the end of it you better believe i was nagging. it was like we were in two totally different places...i was busting my butt every day at work and would see him at night and want to kill him when his day involved tennis and doing nothing. plus, he had no sense of "i have to go to bed at a reasonable hour because i have to get up in the morning," plus we couldn't take vacations or anything because although he had money and his savings, he didn't want to spend it on anything except the essentials. my advice, tell him he needs to get a job or he needs to get up on out your life...if he doesn't get one then it will tell you that you're not on the same page....or even in the same book.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
Whoa...there isn't enough information here to make a real judgment about the boyfriend. He could have just lost his job and needs some to figure out what he wants to do next. Or he could be lacking motivation at the moment. Or he could be a deadbeat. I think the first thing she has to do is just have a conversation about the lack of job to see where her boyfriend's mind is at. She should be encouraging, not forceful. She should ask questions, not provide negativity. That's how she can help push him in the right direction without coming across as a nag.
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
I agree with telewyo! Any guy who doesn't have a job needs to be axed! COME ON!
telewyo telewyo 9 years
I wouldn't be with a guy who wouldn't get a job on his own. You're asking for trouble if you stay with this one. Lose the loser!
barjar1122 barjar1122 9 years
No initiative, get ready for a long miserable life if you plan on staying with him.
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
Forget sounding like a nag and taking this very carefully..he needs a job!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Four years of relationship and you are afraid you will sound like a nag if you ask him to get a job? Why don't you live together? Are you like.. 17 and been together since you were 13 or something? This sounds like a very immature situation. If he cannot be bothered to get off his ass now, what would it be like in 10 years time? I know everybody around you is focused on getting married/co-habiting but that is probably because they are HAPPY together and can look after each other. Do you really want to stay with somebody for the sake of it?
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
My thing isn't about who is the breadwinner, but come on! If you can't afford things by yourself, then how can you take care of him??? you know what, i can't even comment any further . . .
Highball Highball 9 years
If your interested in a family life after 4 years of whatever, drop the bum and get somebody who is doing something with their life, without nagging.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I just want to say to be VERY CAREFUL. He might talk a lot about how much he loves you and wants to live with you and all that nonsense. He might tell you that he's been doing this elaborate (sp?) job searching just to tell you what you want to hear. And THEN...when you finally move in together, he'll quit his job and lay on the couch for a year or two. Been there, done that. If he doesn't have the motivation on his OWN to get up and get a job so you two can live together, then that's a major red flag.
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 9 years
You have to think about what you really want from this relationship. Is it ok with you that you may be the major breadwinner in the relationship? If you are ok with that, then is he willing to do the house work part of the deal? You don't have to have the normal, man has the job, woman does the cleaning, relationship. But, it is important that YOU step up and take the breadwinner responsibilities, if he's not going to get a job, and you enjoy working. At 4 years into the relationship, you should know whether you love him for who is, or if you love your idea of what he could be. If you love him for who he is, then you shouldn't have a problem making the decision. There have been many relationships that money was non existant at the beginnining. Men are NOT money machines. Love IS more important than money. As far as moving in together, if you still want to, you should be the one who gets an apartment, then invite him to move in. I'm sure I hit a nerve among a lot of people. But, I have several friends whose husbands stay at home, while they make the money. You just have to want it.
Nitrobezene Nitrobezene 9 years
I agree with Dear on this one. Good luck!
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