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You Asked: Can We Bounce Back?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for going on five months now and were best friends for a year before that. Recently we got into a fight that just kept opening up new topics to fight about. Finally, it got to the point where he said he wasn't sure if we were going to last. He tried to justify it by saying he thinks this because of watching his sister's relationships. He also told me how he's scared for the future and I basically insinuate too much about us being together.

The next day after I cried all night, he apologized for everything. He told me how he loves me and needs me. I'm not sure if I'm quite over that comment though. Is it wrong for me to be upset about what he said? He seems to be more affectionate than before the fight, but I haven't been returning it and I think he notices. Should I bring the whole thing up again or let the subject drop? — Still Upset Stella

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Still Upset Stella,

I'm sorry you're fighting with your boyfriend, that can't be much fun. Once you open the can of worms it's easy to continue fighting with one another. I've been there, but you must figure out a way to work through it or else it's going to destroy your relationship. There's a reason why you're together, so get back to what brought you together in the first place. Of course, you're upset that he questioned your relationship, so have a heart to heart with him, express how his words hurt you and how you're still a bit bruised, but let him know you want to work through it all and make it work.

The fact that he's being more affectionate and making an effort to let you know how much he needs you leads me to believe he was just speaking out of emotions, and he let his feelings get the best of him. Try not to get too hung up on the past and remember that fights are healthy. Real relationships are not all wine and roses. At the end of the day, if you love each other, you can get through this rocky road. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible and remember that you love each other so try to fight fairly. I wish you luck Stella.

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princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
cherika, I had the EXACT same experience with my boyfriend of three years. We also were drinking a lot more the first six months, before we moved, and that does NOT help anything. We have a very stable and understanding bond now.
glitterandgold glitterandgold 8 years
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and our first year was literally ALL fighting. It was rough because we knew we wanted to make it work and that we loved each other but for some reason the fights kept coming. I think after awhile of getting used to each other and the way we think, everything fell into place. I'm sure you will be fine and you both will learn how to communicate without getting on each other's nerves if you stick it out some more. Good luck!
taffetacupcakes taffetacupcakes 8 years
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and this reminds me so much of what we went through for awhile. My boyfriend was feeling very terrified by the thought of commitment (to the point that planning two weeks ahead was an ordeal), but every time he told me why he felt this way it was just because he read too far into some half-minded comment I had made. Let him know that you aren't trying to pressure him, and that if he feels that way in the future he needs to address things more appropriately. It's okay to let him know that that his approach was bad, but don't alienate him for sharing how he really feels. This will show your boyfriend that you care, but that he's not facing commitment pressure.
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
I think it is normal to fight. Once you start it is kind of hard to stop because it just continues. I would be very upset about the comments he made. Talk to him, tell him that you are upset. When my boyfriend and I fight after the fight he is very nice, sweet and affectionate. That lasts for couple of weeks if even that and then its back to normal self. If your boyfriend is already affectionate you have nothing to vory about. Couples fight, and he seems like he is sorry about what he said. All you need is to talk and work on the communication, make sure you are both calm and dont yell back and forth because that never works. Good luck.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
If he's at the point where he's looking or excuses not to be with you( who's in the relationship with his sister, you or him? neither.), don't let him waste your time. Ambivalence at someone else's expense is not cool.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think there are times in relationships where people have to sit back and ask themselves, "Will this last?" And I think that often times people are scared of the future. That is totally normal. I don't think that means your relationship is doomed. I think it means your relationship probably came to a breaking point and in the end, he decided it wanted to be with you more than he didn't. I wouldn't just let him get off that easy, without really asking him more about what his concerns are. What is the pattern that he sees in his sister's relationships that he thinks you are doomed to repeat? Constant fighting? Differing views on money? Sex? I actually think it's a good thing that he's trying to analyze your long-term compatibility. And although you can't compare relationships, you can certainly see why certain relationships fail and infer that yours might as well if you have the same issues. Make sure you approach him in a non-threatening way and just say you want to talk through some of the things he's concerned with. And just listen to what he says. Even if you think it's not fair what he says, just listen. Then take some time to think if you agree or disagree and go from there. Good luck!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think there are times in relationships where people have to sit back and ask themselves, "Will this last?" And I think that often times people are scared of the future. That is totally normal. I don't think that means your relationship is doomed. I think it means your relationship probably came to a breaking point and in the end, he decided it wanted to be with you more than he didn't.I wouldn't just let him get off that easy, without really asking him more about what his concerns are. What is the pattern that he sees in his sister's relationships that he thinks you are doomed to repeat? Constant fighting? Differing views on money? Sex?I actually think it's a good thing that he's trying to analyze your long-term compatibility. And although you can't compare relationships, you can certainly see why certain relationships fail and infer that yours might as well if you have the same issues.Make sure you approach him in a non-threatening way and just say you want to talk through some of the things he's concerned with. And just listen to what he says. Even if you think it's not fair what he says, just listen. Then take some time to think if you agree or disagree and go from there.Good luck!
nikkeeb nikkeeb 8 years
I wouldn't give up on him, but if it's seriously bothering you, I wouldn't just drop it and bury it, because we all know that what gets buried surfaces at some point. Be wise about when you bring it up though, of course.
hotstuff hotstuff 8 years
I think you should listen to what he said. I think he was being honest with you that he is afraid and unsure of the future, which is totally normal. I think you should be grateful that you two were friends first which is why he probably felt like he could tell you the truth. I don't think he said anything hateful at all. He's probably just saying sorry now because he see's how hurt you are! This is nothing to break up over you two just need to talk and set each other at ease. Of course he's wrong to compare things to his sister but at least he sounds like he's being honest. I don't think your in the right to be SO upset with him. He sounds like a good guy!
vmruby vmruby 8 years
He's putting in the effort to make things better between you guys and so should you.All of us(maybe even you?) are guilty at one time or another of saying something that hurts another person out of anger and then regretting it much later.Give him time and let your relationship go in the direction it's meant to,try to put all this in the past, and forgive him for being human for goodness sakes!
Awandner Awandner 8 years
Kristinh1012 is right on the money. I wouldn't give up on him if you think there's a real connection between you. Men often get scared of commitment, but he needs to figure out what he wants rather than focusing on what he doesn't want based on his sister's experiences. Sleep on it for a few nights, gather your thoughts, and rationally discuss your feelings and expectations. But certainly don't let them go unresolved, because if you don't feel better about the issue, it will get pushed under the rug and then you'll have problems trusting, feeling open and giving your all to the relationship. In talking to him you should find your answer: you both could realize that you have similar goals for the future and mutual feelings for each other or you may discover that what you want largely differs from your partner. Either way you will realize the right path to take to get what you want and deserve from love and life.
nicachica nicachica 8 years
I think that when you talk to him, you should also point out that he shouldn't base YOUR relationship on his sister's relationship because every relationship is different and has its own dynamic. He needs to concentrate on you two and just because things didn't work out with his sister and her boyfriends, doesn't mean the same thing is going to happen with you two. It might be useful for him to take lessons from his sister's failed relationships about what not to do but otherwise, he shouldn't use that in an argument. Also, try and ease up on the "future" talk, especially since its just been 5 months. Nothing brings about fear of commitment more than talking about it at such an early stage! Try and live in the moment and just enjoy the relationship for what it is, not what it could be or will be. That just adds unnecessary pressure when certain things don't live up to your expectations. Sooooo...to quote the Beatles: "let it be"...
nicachica nicachica 8 years
I think that when you talk to him, you should also point out that he shouldn't base YOUR relationship on his sister's relationship because every relationship is different and has its own dynamic. He needs to concentrate on you two and just because things didn't work out with his sister and her boyfriends, doesn't mean the same thing is going to happen with you two. It might be useful for him to take lessons from his sister's failed relationships about what not to do but otherwise, he shouldn't use that in an argument.Also, try and ease up on the "future" talk, especially since its just been 5 months. Nothing brings about fear of commitment more than talking about it at such an early stage! Try and live in the moment and just enjoy the relationship for what it is, not what it could be or will be. That just adds unnecessary pressure when certain things don't live up to your expectations. Sooooo...to quote the Beatles: "let it be"...
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
People say horrible stuff when they're angry. If he is remorseful then just put it behind you and move forwards.
acemonkey acemonkey 8 years
I wouldn't dwell on it. I believe he is sorry. I know your feelings are hurt, but it's best to forgive and forget.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
It sounds like he's really confused and a little scared. I wouldn't give up on him though. You have a right to be upset about anything that is said that hurts your feelings, but don't get overly ridiculous and blow things totally out of proportion to the point of no return. I'm sure you are hurt and disappointed by what he said, but maybe it was in the heat of the argument. I find that when I am really mad at my BF I can say things that I don't mean because at the time my emotions and feelings are WAY out of control. I would wait a bit and then let him know that you think maybe you should talk about what he said. I wouldn't push the subject too much right away though, it sounds like he's really nervous about commitment, but you need to know how he really feels.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 8 years
It sounds like he's really confused and a little scared. I wouldn't give up on him though. You have a right to be upset about anything that is said that hurts your feelings, but don't get overly ridiculous and blow things totally out of proportion to the point of no return. I'm sure you are hurt and disappointed by what he said, but maybe it was in the heat of the argument. I find that when I am really mad at my BF I can say things that I don't mean because at the time my emotions and feelings are WAY out of control.I would wait a bit and then let him know that you think maybe you should talk about what he said. I wouldn't push the subject too much right away though, it sounds like he's really nervous about commitment, but you need to know how he really feels.
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