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You Asked: Did I Corrupt This Guy?


Dear Sugar--

I met this great guy online, and we started dating maybe a week and a half ago (but had been talking for about a week beforehand). We got along great, and he was the first "professional" I've really been attracted to. I am entering a professional career, and have had a hard time dating peers. Anyway, I fell hard--something I didn't know I was still capable of doing.

Early on I learned that he was religious and later figured out he was very religious (bordering fundamentalist). I didn't notice when we were together and on our third date, we got very very drunk, much more drunk than he has ever been before. He also bought cigarettes and entered a gay bar. These are all things I find acceptable, but he doesn't. The result of the evening was something I never do: unprotected sex.

Ever since, he has been very distant and meditating on the sin we engaged in. As the non-Christian, is this more my fault? Should I be apologizing or should I have been more careful? The unprotected sex aspect is horrible and that is the first time I have done so in 7 years, but everything else -- should I have tried to steer him away knowing it would cause him pain in the morning?

--Regretful Rayna

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Dear Regretful Rayna--

You did NOTHING wrong as far as he's concerned. It's good that you realize that unprotected sex is a bad idea (hello STIs and pregnancy), but he is in charge of his own actions. If he knows he doesn't want to get himself into certain situations, than he should never have had even one sip of alcohol to impair his senses. It was his decision to drink, and to get drunk. He walked into that gay bar, and he also had sex with you. I wouldn't be hard on yourself at all. None of this was your fault.

If these things were so important to him, he should have been honest from the start and set guidelines about what he was comfortable with. I'm sure he's very upset because he feels like he is the one who made the mistake (we are our own worst critic), and he probably feels awful about it. It really stinks that he's putting distance between you as a form of punishment, so I don't blame you for feeling the heat.

He owes you a good conversation about this. Since you were getting along so well, and you loved being together, maybe you guys can come up with a list of boundaries for the future. These should be "rules" that you both agree upon, like no more drinking alcohol, or no more unprotected sex. He has to realize that you can't change the past, you can only learn from your mistakes and try not to make them in the future. I hope things work out!

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