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You Asked: Did I Destroy Our Friendship?

Dear Sugar,

I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend for three months — we had been together for more than four years. After the breakup we talked occasionally and our friendship was pretty solid. She recently flew to another city for a job interview and we got into a fight. I had finally expressed my feelings to her for the first time so I had a lot of built up frustration. I did say things out of anger, but they were not insults, I simply told her that I felt she no longer took my needs into consideration. She became infuriated and told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I have called her multiple times asking her to listen to my explanation — that I was scared of losing her to a job faraway, but my attempts have been unsuccessful. I don't know how to keep the friendship together and although I am still in love with her, I am willing to just be friends so I don't lose her from my life altogether. I have told her that I will give her space, but I am scared that the space will make her forget about my great qualities and the good times we've had. Do you have any advice for how to keep the friendship together? — Holding on Henry

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Holding on Henry,

You say you're concerned with keeping your friendship with your ex, but it's pretty clear that you are still in love with her, so this quest could be a difficult one for many reasons. I don't know the details of your breakup, but if you're interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her, I'd be honest and tell her how you feel, as it's obviously affecting your current rapport.

Since you feel the need to explain yourself, try writing her an email. Let her know where your angry words came from and tell her exactly what you've told me. If it's space that she wants, you don't have much of a choice but to give it to her, but at least you'll know that she knows where you stand. Hopefully after she gets the breathing room she needs, you can work out your relationship and figure out where you fit into each other's lives. Good luck.

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Anneleah Anneleah 6 years
I think she does'nt like you anymore.Wake up!. Move on! If you need a proof, go check the 10 clues she's just not that into you.
ilanac13 ilanac13 7 years
i have to agree that it does sound to me like maybe there's more the the story on your end rather than just trying to keep a friendship intact. it does sound like you might still have feelings for her and that's why you felt the need to share all that with her. i agree that writing a letter or sending an email is going to be the best way for you to explain yourself to her since it's clear that she doesn't want to talk right now. see how that goes and hopefully you guys can figure out what your relationship really should be.
diazy diazy 7 years
You don't sound like a friend but a lover. Do yourself a favor move on if she wants you she'll let you know.
DDL DDL 7 years
Whoa brother, looks like all the ladies are cutting you down. As a guy in an almost identical situation, I completely empathize with you. So let me tell you how I'm dealing with it:She's not picking up your calls, so obviously she doesn't want to speak to you. In fact, the more you call, text, email, etc. the more she's going to get aggravated and dislike you more. Just play it cool and I promise you will feel better. Call your boys if you miss her too much and talk to any female friends if you feel like letting out some emotions.I've gone 2 months without speaking to my ex and its been hard, but I've gotten stronger each day. Who knows? Maybe this Christmas she'll say hi out of the blue. If not, wish her a happy New Year. And we'll see where it goes from there. Good luck bud.
DDL DDL 7 years
Whoa brother, looks like all the ladies are cutting you down. As a guy in an almost identical situation, I completely empathize with you. So let me tell you how I'm dealing with it: She's not picking up your calls, so obviously she doesn't want to speak to you. In fact, the more you call, text, email, etc. the more she's going to get aggravated and dislike you more. Just play it cool and I promise you will feel better. Call your boys if you miss her too much and talk to any female friends if you feel like letting out some emotions. I've gone 2 months without speaking to my ex and its been hard, but I've gotten stronger each day. Who knows? Maybe this Christmas she'll say hi out of the blue. If not, wish her a happy New Year. And we'll see where it goes from there. Good luck bud.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 7 years
If she can't be with you, you need to move on. I know it's hard, but you shouldn't be going after a girl who is not willing to be with you, even as a friend. You can't just remain friends. The tension and the feeling will always be there and it will never be a stable relationship.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
I forgot to add that I sincerely hope you're not trying to guilt-trip her into remaining friends and remaining in touch with you by invoking those past good times you had. Trying to guilt her into staying in touch with you will only push her away faster.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
You didn't want to lose her to a job? You're already broken up, deal with those issues.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 7 years
She doesn't have to consider your needs, you BROKE UP. You're kinda acting crazy and I would suggest letting her go and moving on before she changes her phone number and closes her email account.
Lele777 Lele777 7 years
Let her go. If she wants you she'll call. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
Jude-C Jude-C 7 years
You need to let her go. I had an ex like this, and the sad fact is that the more you demand her time and attention, the more you demand her "friendship," the less likely she is to give it to you. She wants to move on, and you need to as well.
bluestar bluestar 7 years
You need to let her go, stop contact.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
It sounds to me like you are maintaining a friendship with her because you are still in love with her and hoping for more. But if she wants to leave, there is nothing you can do. I agree with someone else who said that you are smothering her. If she was the one that ended the relationship, then you may have to accept the fact that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Honestly, there is no reason for her to take your needs into consideration if you guys are no longer in a relationship. I agree with sugar, that you should explain that you still have feelings to her. At least then you will know where you stand. If there is no chance of getting back together, then you need to take some time for yourself and try to move on from the relationship. Good luck to you and things will get easier, it just takes time. :)
cubadog cubadog 7 years
You need to let her go until you get over your feelings for her. Part of the problem is your still in love with her and you think deep down that someday it will work out. She is making an attempt to move on and now you need to do the same thing. It takes time to be friends after a long relationship, it doesn't happen over night!
Mesayme Mesayme 7 years
"how to keep the friendship together and although I am still in love with her, I am willing to just be friends so I don't lose her from my life altogether." can't be done dude. Love her enough to have a happy life without you involved. She's lucky to get a job offer in this economy...love doesn't build walls to enclose others...it opens doors and breaks glass ceiling...which are you doing to her?
MissJules5x MissJules5x 7 years
i completely agree with princess_eab
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
I don't get it - you guys broke up three months ago and you are acting like you're still in a relationship? You're not, and she knows that, but you don't. Let her go!! Why in the world would she cater to your needs? You're her ex! I recommend just chilling for awhile and not contacting her. You need to fall out of love with her, and fast. You're smothering both of you.
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