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You Asked: Do I Have to Choose Between My Boyfriend and My Friends?

DearSugar --
I am 24 years old and I'm in a great relationship with a man I hope to marry. We can't get enough of each other, and I love spending all my free time with him. Everything really is great, except I know my friends are feeling neglected.

They are still in party mode and they go out every weekend and a lot of times during the week. I am just more settled and enjoy spending time at home with my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose my friends, but I have no interest in going out to bars and getting drunk when I could be home cuddling on the couch with my man. What should I do? --Torn Tanya

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Torn Tanya --

It's wonderful that you've found a good man whose company you enjoy, and you shouldn't feel guilty for being happy and contented at home. The early stages of a romance are an important bonding period for couples; it is natural and expected that more time is devoted to being with each other and exploring the relationship. Although your friends may miss you, I'm sure they're happy for you as well. It's a change for them, and there might be a little adjustment period. Mature friendships will weather this period, and soon you'll find a happy balance between tending your friendships and nurturing your relationship.

It might help to let your friends know how important this man is to you, while also letting them know how much you need and value their friendships. Since the bar scene isn't your scene anymore, maybe suggest a movie, lunch or a girls' night at home? What about a mani/pedi trip together? Change is inevitable and change is necessary. Finding new ways to be together with your friends might be good for everyone.

Good luck, and try not to spread yourself too thin. Most of all, do what makes you happy, Torn Tanya, and be with those who share your happiness.

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jaxon jaxon 9 years
I think the key is balance. Once you guys become engaged and married then yeah you should choose that person over your friends. BUt until then don't ditch your support system because it MIGHT not last and you'll need them!! Holla Back!
lilprincess lilprincess 9 years
I went through (and am still going through) the exact same situation. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and I stopped going out to bars when we got together. I was sick of it anyway, and I am so much happier and grounded now. Unfortunately, I have lost some friends over this because all they want to do is party and cannot understand why I have no desire to do that anymore. But I now realize that they weren't good friends to begin with, and the few who were have stuck by me and we have girl time and go shopping, get our nails done, watch Sex & the City, etc. Stick with your gut. I did and I am moving in with my boyfriend this summer!
Brittany14706805 Brittany14706805 9 years
i agree invite them over to do something with u like a lunch. And if they dont want to do that and only want to go out and party still then maybe u need to think about how much they are really your friends. Im the same way though i never was much for the out all night getting drunk partying. I am only 20 but i still could care less for that sort of thing. Ive been with my bf for 5 yrs now and im much more grounded than most ppl my age. Id rather stay at home or go out to a movie and dinner with my bf then go out and party.
XDeexDeeX XDeexDeeX 9 years
tat's th hard thing in life...I would try to do other things to do with my friends that they would remember, like going to Disney land with just them or going to a big day in the town or going on vacation. Make it big so it'll be a lifetime to remember and then when they think that you're not spending enough time with them they can remember that big vacation you all went on.
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
Yea I like the lunch idea thing and stuff like that. Although it might not be your "scence" to go to a bar and get drunk, do make it a point to do things that your friends still enjoy because you do want them to do things you enjoy as well. If you are not into getting drunk maybe you can still go out with your friends and be the DD?
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
I definitely agree with suggesting alternative ideas for hanging out. Whether you are in a relationship or not, a person's idea of a "good time" can change. What about planning a brunch/lunch/dinner at least once a month to catch up? If you all like to read, what about doing a book club? Planning a re-occuring activity makes it easier to keep in touch. I think a couple needs to have time apart to nuture a successful relationship. My husband and I make sure that we each have time along , time with friends together and apart, and time as a couple. Now is the perfect time to start this trend. :)
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
*comfortable (oops, that's what happens when I don't spell-check!)
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
I like Dear's alternate ideas for maintaining your friendships. You shouldn't have to hang out with them at the bars if it's not your scene. Invite them over for a BBQ or dinner hosted by you and your boyfriend. I'm sure when they see how happy and comfprtable you two are together they'll see why you've been going out with them less. In the next few years most of them will settle down too and then you'll have other "couples" to hang out with.
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